


Your Very Own Doctor Sexy

by words_reign_here



Series: Your Very Own Doctor Sexy [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Doctor Castiel, F/M, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-01-19 01:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1450519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_reign_here/pseuds/words_reign_here
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's an easy and average life for Dean Winchester. He worked hard, helped Sam and Ruby through law school while helping Bobby expand his garage. There isn't much to want until a car crash changes Dean down to the very core of who he thought he was. Working closely with the Novak brothers, all doctors, changes his life in a way he can't account for. </p><p>Written as a small ficlet prompt, it got away from as every. Single. Fic. Does. I update first on my tumblr but will try to update more regularly from here on out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Wreck That Changed It All

If Dean was inclined to blame someone, it would have been Bobby’s fault. It was supposed to be his day off but there was some kind of crazy mix up at the garage and Bobby called in a favor and asked him to come in as soon as possible because “some idiot with some foreign fucking car fucked up his transmission and boy you better get your ass here if you want that overtime for Christmas.”

And as it was, Dean was falling behind in present buying for Sam. Sure, he might be second in command at the garage, he might be bringing in some serious cash these days, but goddamn if after seven years of school, it was paying off in a big way for Sam. He got the engagement ring he had been eyeing for Ruby (Dean still shuddered at the thought) and the presents underneath the behemoth Christmas tree in their living room were mostly marked for Dean.

So Dean scrambled around for his work clothes, inhaled some breakfast, and jumped into the old Ford he had been restoring for past year. The roads were too slick this time of year for him to risk taking Baby out.

That was probably his saving grace. That old Ford was almost solid steel. So as Dean carefully pulled out in the highway on that stupid corner that his and Sam’s house sat on and hid a dangerous amount of traffic, he couldn’t say that he was entirely surprised that he was hit. And hit several times over as not one, not two, but three separate cars smashed into his old Ford and flipped it into a nearby field.

 

~*~

 

The wreck itself was pretty bad. The Ford was totaled and Sam knew that would piss Dean off more than anything. It was an old piece of junk he had taken off Bobby’s hands earlier in the year, but it wasn’t the make or model or year that mattered to Dean. It was the sweat and time he had put into it. It wouldn’t even matter that his hand was broken, or that he had a concussion or even that Dr. Novak had put him into a medically induced coma for three days. He would wake up, ask about the others in the wreck and ask about his truck.

But for now, his brother lay on his back, almost totally dead to the world. Ruby sat next to him, both of her small hands wrapped around one of his much larger ones.

“He’ll be fine.” She said. “He will be.” She insisted. “He’s too mean and stubborn to have anything really happen to him.”

“Yeah, I know, but the doctor-”

“Looks like he got out of medical school five minutes ago.” Ruby interrupted. “And those guys get it wrong all the time.”

What the doctor had said was that there was no way to tell if there was any brain damage until Dean woke up. Which sounded about right to Sam, but who was he kidding? His area of expertise was the law, not medicine.

But Ruby also had a point. This guy looked younger than Dean and barely older than Sam.

“Actually, I can reassure you that I am quite capable. They would not have made me head of neurology for being mediocre.” Dr. Novak said coolly as he entered the room. “I may be only 33, but I have been practicing for fifteen years.”

“Wait- no, that would mean,” Ruby started.

“I entered medical school at fifteen. By no means the youngest person having done so.” Dr. Novak replied, placing a hand on Dean’s forehead, a strangely parental gesture for a man who had been nothing but cool towards both Sam and Ruby.

“Doctor, it’s been three days, when do you think he’ll wake up?” Sam asked. He stood and went to the other side of the bed to catch the man’s eye.

“Tomorrow.” Dr. Novak said confidently. There was a glint in his eye. He was sure. “We’ll wake him up tomorrow.” His tone gentled for a moment. “Have a seat, please. We need to speak about what will occur.”

Sam returned to his seat next to Ruby who leaned into his comforting warmth. Despite their anger and snappish comments, Dean and Ruby shared an interesting sort of bond.

“When Mr. Winchester-”

“Dean.” Ruby and Sam said at once.

“Mr. Winchester was our father.” Sam said.

“Don’t call him that.” Ruby added, shaking her head slowly, letting her dark hair drop in front of her face.

“And your parents are where?” Dr. Novak asked.

“Mary is on her way.” Ruby replied. “Mr. Winchester is…” She shrugged helplessly.

“Probably drunk, somewhere, honestly.” Sam said. “Anyway, you were saying?”

“When Dean wakes, he will be disorientated. He will have lost four days.” Dr. Novak said. His forehead creased in concern, however momentary. Then that doctor-look returned, the one that Sam was intimately familiar with. “He might not make sense, his language might be confused, but it will straighten itself out in time. That’s the thing to remember here, ok? Is that Dean is young, healthy and we have all the time in the world.”

Sam ducked his head and Ruby squeezed his hand. “Sure thing, doc. Not a problem.”

“The next thing I’m going to tell you is not as a doctor but as a person. Someone who knows what its like to be in a situation like this.” Sam raised his too-bright eyes to Dr. Novak and he settled his blue eyes on Sam. “Go home. Eat. Get some sleep. You’ll need it for tomorrow.”     

“I can’t- I can’t leave him alone.” Sam said. “What if he wakes up on his own? What if no one is here when he wakes up?”

Dr. Novak looked conflicted. The chances were low that Dean Winchester would wake up without medical assistance but this man had just survived a car crash that killed two others. Odds didn’t seem to apply to him.

“I’ll stay.” Ruby said. “You’ll be here all day tomorrow. We can do it in shifts, like when we were at school.”

Sam still hesitated. “Go.” Ruby said. “Doc is right. You look like shit.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You did, just very politely. The Winchesters here appreciate a no-bullshit approach from time to time.” Ruby turned back to Sam. “Go. I’ll read up on the deposition tonight and get the ball rolling for Monday.”

“You’ll call me?” Sam asked once more.

“The minute anything happens. If anything happens.” Ruby promised. Between her and Dr. Novak, Sam was ushered out the door. One last look over his shoulder and Sam saw Ruby curled up in the chair he had just vacated, his Stanford sweater over her shoulders and a blanket across her legs. She was watching Dean, chewing on her lower lip. Then Dr. Novak closed the door.

“Really, Sam, there is no need to worry. He’s got everything in his favor.” Dr. Novak promised before he left to heed a call to the ER.

Sam drove home but it was too quiet and there was a certain emptiness there that gnawed at him without Ruby and Dean there. He considered briefly going to Ruby’s but dismissed it just as quickly.

So that’s how he ended up on Bobby’s porch at eleven o’clock at night with a pillow tucked under one arm and a backpack slung around his arm. Bobby pulled the door open.

“Kicked you out of the hospital, did they?” Bobby asked gruffly. Sam shrugged. “Well, come on. Your bedroom upstairs is ready. When does Mary get in?”

“Day after tomorrow. Soonest she could get in from France.” Sam said, rubbing his face and dropping his bag in the doorway. He clutched his pillow and Bobby marvelled at the fact that this six foot five behemoth could still look like the five year old he used to be.

“What in the hell is she doing out there?” Ellen asked, ushering Sam into the kitchen and pushing him into a chair. She began pouring a healthy serving of chili and cut a large piece of cornbread.

“I don’t know. Some lecture or something. I didn’t really listen. Dean, ya know.” Jo shuffled into the kitchen at his words and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders.

“How’s the big guy?” Jo asked, words muffled in Sam’s hair.

“Dr. Novak says he will wake him up tomorrow.” Ellen placed the chili down in front of him. Bobby popped the lid of a beer and even if it was just after eleven, Sam took a healthy swig. “He also said that we won’t know if there is any-” Sam blinked away a sudden rush of tears and wiped at his eyes hastily. “Any damage till he wakes up. Everything else- Everything else is- um,” Sam’s voice cracked and he looked down at the cornbread in front of him, now a honey golden blur.

“Oh, honey.” Ellen said and Jo’s arms tightened around his shoulders and Ellen hugged him and Bobby placed a hand on his shoulder roughly. Sam cried a little bit then, for his big, strong, older brother. The only person who cared enough about him until Bobby and Ellen came along to feed him and clothe him. After Mary had left quite abruptly right after Sam was born, John fell hard into the bottle. Dean, though, Dean never faltered. He did what he could as a child, looking after Sam, raising him as best as he could. And when Sam had been old enough to figure out what was wrong, how very broken their family was, he tried just as hard as Dean. He tried to be good, to be the best for him. Brought home the best grades, won the best trophies, got the best scholarships. John and Mary’s congratulations had paled in compare to Dean’s whoop of delight when he had gotten into Stanford.

But now he took a deep breath, and steadied himself. He spoke out loud to them all. “Dr. Novak is entirely confident that he’ll be fine. He’s young and healthy and strong. Ruby also pointed out that he’s just too damn stubborn to come out of this anything but fine.”

Jo laughed out loud and then clapped a hand over her mouth. “No, it’s fine. Dean would probably agree with her.” Sam reassured her.

“Go on and eat,” Ellen said. “You are going to need your rest for the next couple of days.”

Sam did as he was told and if Jo slipped him a painkiller from when she broke her ankle a few months earlier to ease his way into sleep, he wasn’t anything but grateful.

 

~*~

 

The next morning, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Ruby and Sam all waited in Dean’s room expectantly. Jo tapped her foot impatiently and Ruby bounced her knee next to Sam. Bobby paced and Ellen chewed on her nail. When a shorter man with golden brown hair walked in and smiled at them warmly, Sam felt his stomach drop.

“Who are you?” Sam asked.

“Dr. Novak.” The man answered without dropping his smile.

“No, you aren’t.” Ruby said. “You aren’t our Dr. Novak.”

At that, their Dr. Novak, dark hair and blue eyes, walked in. He eyed the other doctor, dressed in the white lab coat with the golden hair and mischievous smile.

“Today is your day off. I saw the schedule.” The newcomer said.

“I switched with Balthazar. I believe the Winchester family is more at ease with some intimately familiar with their relative.” Dr. Novak said coolly. “May I introduce my brother, Gabriel Novak. Also a neurologist, also works in this hospital.” As Dr. Novak passed by Sam to get to the other side of Dean’s bed he muttered, “Also my own personal pain in the ass.”

Ruby laughed and Sam managed a smile. A nurse came in and handed Dr. Novak three syringes and then fell back behind Ellen and Bobby. Bobby reached out for Ellen’s hand as Dr. Novak quickly unwrapped the first needle. Dr. Gabriel watched solemnly, the smile dropping from his face. Dr. Novak pushed the first needle into a juncture in the IV, quickly followed by the second. As he unwrapped the third, he turned to Sam.

“He won’t wake right away. It will take at least an hour, probably closer to two, for him to wake up. And when he does, be gentle. He’ll be confused. Maybe frightened. So, remember, just-” Dr. Novak stopped and looked over at Gabriel. Gabriel met his eyes and the two seemed to have an entire conversation in less than ten seconds. “Just go easy.” Dr. Novak finished.

Sam nodded. Dr. Novak inserted the last needle into Dean’s IV and then took a seat by the window. “Now, we wait.” He said and leaned back to watch Dean.

 

 


	2. Waking Up Is The Hardest Thing To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's done a lot of stuff in his life. Nothing like this though.

_Pain_.

That was the first sensation that Dean was aware of. There wasn’t anything that didn’t hurt. His head, his arm, his chest, his right ankle. Everything hurt. Breathing hurt. Thinking hurt. Dean scrunched his eyes even though they were still closed and could feel the familiar tug of stitches in his forehead.

_Thirst_.

That was the second thing Dean knew. He wanted water so badly he might have sold Sammy’s vintage collection of Lord of the Rings toys. He wanted babbling brooks, waterfalls, gallons and gallons of the stuff. Wherever he was, they better have a lot of it.

_Blue_.

That was the first thing Dean saw when he opened his eyes. An impossible blue. Blue like his favorite pair of jeans, blue like a spring sky during a picnic with Sam and Jo when he was thirteen, blue like the sea after a storm, blue like nothing else Dean had ever seen.

“Dean?” The owner of those impossible blue eyes asked softly.

Dean nodded. The owner smiled.

“Dean, I’m Dr. Novak. Here. It’s a straw.” The owner said softly.

I know it’s a straw, dumbass. Dean thought gently. He opened his mouth obediently and began to drink greedily. The water washed down his throat like silk over gravel and he sighed.

“Sam?” Was the first thing he asked.

“I’m here, Dean.” A voice came from behind the doctor and Sam shuffled into view, eyes bright and tear tracks evident.

“Look, Sam. Doctor Sexy.” Dean gritted out.

“Oh my god.” He heard from three separate people in the room.

“Yeah, doc.” Ruby said. “He’s fine.”

Dr. Novak nodded. “I, uh, I see.” He cleared his throat and nudged Sam back a step. “Excuse me.” He said gently and pulled a penlight out of his pocket. “Dean, I’m going to need you to follow the pen with your eyes, ok?”

Dean nodded and did as he was asked. His pupils and eyes dilated properly and his eyes were coordinated in their movements.

Dr. Novak rocked back on his heels and paused for a moment. “How do you feel?”

“Hurts.” Dean growled.

Dr. Novak furrowed his eyebrow. “What does?”

Dean paused for a moment and cleared his throat. “Water?”

There was a mad scramble as everyone in the room looked around for water but Dr. Gabriel, Dr. Novak and the nurse stayed put. “Not just yet, Dean. Too much, too soon, you know?”

“Thirsty, though.” Dean protested and Dr. Novak nodded.

“You’ll get enough fluids from the IV. I promise.”

Dean frowned.

“I’ll order some more tests. We’ll let you know more later on. Dr. Novak.” He said, inclining his head towards Dr. Gabriel before leaving swiftly. Gabriel nodded back at him and stepped forward.

“We’ll get you some more pain meds after the nurse here takes your vitals. Sound good?” Dr. Gabriel offered. Dean nodded. “Listen to Castiel about the water thing, ok? The kid is a jerk sometimes but he knows what he’s talking about.” Dr. Gabriel turned on his heel, winked at Jo and headed for the door.

“Sam, water or-” Dean started but Sam was already there with a cup.

“You guys-” Ruby started.

But it was already too late. Dean was drinking and holding an unsteady hand to Sam’s arm. They both turned to look at her and she sighed.

“Come on, ladies.” Ellen said. “Let’s leave them to it.”

Jo, Ruby and Ellen headed for the door, but Ellen paused to look back at Sam and Dean. Dean had a hand on Sam’s forearm and Sam watched Dean attentively. He’ll be just fine, she thought and turned back to the girls. Bobby closed the door behind them and they all headed down to the cafeteria.

 

~*~

 

“You feelin ok?” Sam asked, watching Dean.

Dean reclined back but nodded. His vision was a little fuzzy and he was so goddamn tired, but hey, he was alive, right? Suddenly his stomach rolled nervously and he recalled Dr. Novak’s last words. He must have paled right in front of Sam because Sam was there with one of those pink bucket things and Dean heaved up all the water he had just downed. Sam sighed and regretted his actions immediately. He hit the call button for the nurse who rushed in immediately. A woman with a round, dark face walked in and spied the two of them.

“You let him have too much water didn’t you?” She scolded.

“I-” Sam started.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. He’s going to heave it up and you better pray he doesn’t pull any stitches or you’re going to need stitches.”

Dean finally leaned back and gulped in some air. “Giraffe.” He said regrettably.

Sam snorted. It was so out of sorts. “What’d you say, man?”

Dean looked at him as if he were an idiot. “Giraffe.” He insisted.

The nurse, Missouri her nametag read, approached the bed and there was a soft look in her eyes. “What do you want, honey?” She asked gently.

“More.” Dean replied immediately. He hesitated and looked over at Sam. His eyes widened and Sam saw unspeakable and blank panic there. There was a long pause where the two brothers just stared at each other. “Water.” Dean finally gritted.

“That’s the last thing you are getting, man.” Sam said.

“I’ll be right back.” Missouri said to the two of them. She left the room and she closed the door behind her. Over the intercom they heard Dr. Novak paged to room 303. Dean’s room. Sam tried to hide the sinking feeling in his gut but it didn’t pass Dean by.

“Matter?” He asked. Sam filled in the rest of the sentence in his head. What’s the matter?

“Nothing, man. Probably some of those tests Dr. Novak was talking about. Man, you aren’t gonna get out of here easy.” Sam said with a weak smile, regretting his words almost immediately.

Dean’s eyes narrowed almost immediately. “Mean?”

Sam was saved from trying to answer that very vague question when a man entered the room, blonde and blue eyed, a smile already on his face. He was followed by Dr. Gabriel, Dean’s Dr. Novak and Missouri. Behind them, Sam saw the rest of his family. Missouri turned and spoke to them quickly and Bobby nodded and herded everyone else back. Ruby caught Sam’s eye and raised her eyebrows Everything ok? Sam could only watch her. He couldn’t give a yes or no because what was happening wasn’t making any sense.

“Balthazar, it’s your day off. What are you doing here?” Gabriel asked.

“Technically, no it’s not my day off. It’s his day off,” The new-er newcomer said, nodding to Dr. Novak. “And I traded Samandriel. I had to see what patient brought Cassy in on his day off.” He said.

“Ok, Dr. Novak,” Sam said, and three heads turned to him. “Wait, no. You aren’t all Novaks?” Sam asked.

“Fraid so, French Alps.” Gabriel asked. “Neurology and ER medicine.” He said nodding to Balthazar.

“Dean.” Dr. Novak said. He approached the bed and sat down next to Dean. “You can call me Castiel. Too many Novaks here. Although, in my opinion, you got the best of us. Luck of the draw, huh?” Castiel said.

“Just because you happened to be the genius-” Balthazar started.

“Doesn’t make you better looking.” Gabriel finished.

“Pay no attention to them, Dean.” Castiel said, keeping his eyes on Dean. “Now. Can you tell me your name?”

Dean scoffed. Just out of  a coma and he was still cocky. “Dean rifle.”

Cas nodded as though this was a perfectly acceptable answer. “And who’s that?”  He asked, gesturing to Sam.

“Picnic.” Dean replied immediately. He shook his head and looked at Sam. Sam watched him desperately.

“Look here, Dean.” Castiel said, pulling his attention back to him. “Who is that?”    

Dean turned back to Sam. “Picnic.” He insisted  and looked over at Sam. He tried to sit up but was surrounded by doctors right away. Balthazar pushed him back gently and Gabriel looked up at his vitals. Cas smiled at him warmly. “All right, Dean. It’s good. You’re doing great.”

Dean shook his head. “No. Not.” He said. He growled in between his teeth and Sam was worried he might hit Balthazar who was gently insisting that he lay down.

“Dr. Novak.” Sam started and the three of them turned back to him. Sam cleared his throat. “Can you tell us why he’s misappropriating his words?”

“Without tests, Sam-” Dr. Castiel started.

“Castiel.” Sam said.

Gabriel and Balthazar looked at Sam and then turned to Castiel. He was the youngest of the three but he commanded their respect easily. He sighed and patted Dean’s shoulder. He held his hand there and Dean looked up at him.

“When Dean wrecked, he hit his head. A few times, from what I could tell. Now, I was expecting something along these lines but when he spoke that first clear sentence, my fears were allayed. But this is common. And treatable. Without tests-” Castiel hesitated here and looked down at Dean. “Without tests, I cannot make an educated guess if this is permanent or not, ok Dean? It probably isn’t. You are young, strong and resilient. What you went through should have killed you.” Castiel paused once again. He looked up at Gabriel and they had another wordless exchange. Castiel turned his eyes to Balthazar who raised his eyebrows and nodded. Finally, he turned back to Dean. “Transient aphasia. You’re going to mix up words, names. It’ll come back, albeit slowly. But, like I said earlier, time is on our side. You will get past this, Dean.” Castiel said confidently. “You will just need to show a little patience.”

Dean looked at Sam who looked back for a moment. “How long until we know more?”

“I’ll get the tests ordered now.” Dr. Gabriel said. He threw an arm around Balthazar and said, “Come on. I’ll show you how real doctors work.”

They left amid murmured words that Sam did not understand and Castiel stood, looked down at Dean and said, “Anything else I can do for you?”

Dean closed his eyes and said haltingly, “Let- her.”

“Who?” Castiel asked, never looking up at Sam for an explanation. He waited patiently for Dean to finish and never once looked anywhere but Dean’s face, even as he began to panic and the beeping at the edge of Sam’s consciousness began to sound louder. Castiel took a seat next to Dean once more. “Remember to breathe Dean. The words will come to you. They will. But you have to relax.” Dean clenched his jaw and shut his eyes. “Now think of who you are talking about. Think about her. Her characteristics. What is she like?”

“Snaps.” Dean said.

“Ok. What else?”

“Smart.” Dean managed.

“Good. Anything more?” Castiel pestered.

“Sam.”  The beeping slowed and Dean’s jaw unclenched. “Ruby.” He said. “Let her. Ruby.”

“You want us to let Ruby in?” Castiel asked, seeing any remaining energy drain from Dean’s face. He nodded. “All right, we can do that.” Castiel stood but Dean shook his head. “Stay.” He sighed. He was tired but it was something he was desperately trying to get across. “Talk. Ruby.”

“I can do that.” Castiel said. Sam stood and let Ruby in who at once took charge of the situation.

Sam was smart, this was a given fact. But a fact that was also acknowledged among the Winchesters was that Ruby was smarter. She had a memory that was unparalleled which made her a vicious shark in the courtroom. Dean waved weakly at her and much to Sam’s surprise, Ruby walked right over and kissed him hard on his forehead. “You asshole.” She whispered. “You scared me.”

“Talk.” Dean said, waving his one good hand at Castiel. “Listen.”

Ruby’s brow knitted and she looked over at Sam. Sam, learning as much as he could at that very moment, could only nod. Dean knew, partially drugged and just out of a coma, that Sam was at his limit. If the doctors told him something important now, he would not remember it. Ruby, on the other hand, would. Castiel watched her warily as she turned, standing sentry-like in front of Dean, crossed her arms over her chest and nodded to him.

“Start from the very beginning. I need to know everything.” She said.

Castiel sighed. He spread his hands. “From what I can garner from the police report, Dean’s truck flipped three times. Because of the icy conditions, three cars impacted him.” Dr. Gabriel and Dr. Balthazar slipped in quietly, another syringe in Balthazar’s hand. He walked over and slid this also into the IV and Dean sighed. His eyes began to droop and close almost immediately. Within moments, he was asleep. Castiel took the other side of Dean’s bed, next to Ruby. “He broke his left forearm, several of the fingers on his right hand, his left ankle, dislocated his left shoulder and the left side of his clavicle.” Each body part that he talked about, he would lay a hand on gently, pointing it out to Ruby who nodded.

“Continue.” Ruby encouraged as Castiel hesitated.

“He had a skull fracture here,” Castiel said, touching Dean’s forehead, “And also here.” Touching the left side of his skull. “The forehead is the thickest part of the head, it can handle the most damage. When tests are run, I will not be at all surprised for us to find that there was a small stroke or broken blood vessel here.” He said, returning his fingers to the left side of Dean’s brain. “Or even here.” He said, touching the exact opposite side. “A contrecoup injury.”

“Got it.” Ruby said.

“The symptoms that Dean is displaying, employing the wrong words, or losing them all together are not surprising. This is what we call aphasia. It happens after a stroke, seizure or brain injury.”

“Is it treatable?” Ruby asked, eyes never leaving Castiel.

“Of course.” Castiel replied immediately.

“The thing you have to understand about this is that it going to take time.” Gabriel slid into the conversation smoothly. “Dean will have to have therapy to learn new ways to function around what has happened to him. He understands everything, if he were conscious, and that only intensifies the feelings of eventual anger and helplessness that his brain won’t behave in the way that he is used to.”

“But he is young.” Balthazar added. “You must keep that in mind as well. And the younger the patient is, the easier it is for him to bounce back. This might also be transient aphasia as well, something that will pass in time with little to no effect on Dean in the long run.”

“Explain to me what the difference is.” Ruby said, looking at Balthazar now.

“Transient aphasia is just a way of the brain recuperating from a trauma. It will go away, eventually, and Dean will return back to being the same Dean he was pre-accident.” Gabriel said.

“Aphasia is a condition he will have to live with for the rest of his life. A condition that will force him to live in an entirely different way.” Castiel finished.

Ruby nodded and lowered her head. Sam had seen this very same look of concentration before but instead of staring at a courtroom floor she was staring at a hospital tile. She reached out and hooked her ring finger and pinky finger around Dean’s corresponding ones. She didn’t say anything and the Novaks paused in their talk for a moment. Dean and Ruby were less likely to show physical affection than a hungry lioness chasing a zebra but this was twice in less than half an hour. Near death did funny things to people.   

“He’s, um, smart, ya know? Not like you guys. Or Sam and I. We wouldn’t have survived without him.” She said, slowly. “He’s smart in a better way. I can’t explain it. Sam and I, we worked our asses off in law school. And he put us up. Never complained about it, never said a word. Not once. Every day, he got up, went to that dirty old garage and worked his ass off. Now Singer’s Auto is a chain statewide and he is second in charge there. Nothing happens without Dean knowing. He’s- we don’t always get along, but he’s the big brother I never had. And always needed.” Ruby took a deep breath and Sam was amazed to see her trembling. “He’ll get better.” She said and looked up right at Castiel and the other doctors. “He will.”

“Personally, I have no doubt.” Castiel reassured her. “But he has to do this at his own pace.”

Ruby nodded. “Which has never been anything short of full speed ahead.”


	3. An Adjustment Period

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes time, after all.

Dean woke the next night to an almost empty room. He listened to the steady beat of his heart monitor and sighed. “Mom?” He asked. One word sentences were fine, but beyond that it got fuzzy and harder to string words together. Castiel had made it seem ok, but without someone there who offered him their full attention and an ocean’s worth of patience, he stumbled and forgot the simplest things.

“I’m here.” Mary said, leaning forward and catching Dean’s eye. He nodded. “How are you feeling?”

Dean looked up at the ceiling. There was a water stain up there that looked like a rabbit. He shrugged in response to Mary’s question. He hurt, but he’d been hurt before. His thoughts were all contained inside his head without a way out, but that was a different kind of hurt. That was a hurt that not many people knew about.

“Come on, baby. Talk to me.” Mary encouraged. “I know you can.” She stood and walked over to his bedside and curled her fingers around his. She was cold and Dean lacked the strength to pull away. The things that Mary knew about Dean could fit inside of a thimble.

“Fine.” Dean whispered, throat still sandpaper dry.

“You’re fine or fine, you can talk?” Mary encouraged, talking to him as if he were three years old again and she was trying to explain how sometimes people needed to have space on their own. How space was sometimes good and healthy and not to worry because John was there and he would see to them. Him and Sammy.

Dean gathered what strength he could and managed to jerk his hand away. He might have been thirty four years old, but thirty one years of anger still bubbled close to the surface.

“Out.” He said.

Mary went stock still and folded her arms across her chest. “Dean, this is ridiculous. I know you have your brother fooled and that girl he is shaking up with, but come on now. The tests are fine. One little spot-”

“Girl he is shaking up with?” He heard from the door. For once, he breathed a little easier now that Ruby was in the room. If there was a match for Mary, someone to stick up for Dean, it would be Ruby. “Sorry, Mrs. Winchester. But I think I know these boys a little better than you. Sam, for sure. Since I’ve been shaking up with him for the last ten years or so. Seems I’ve spent more time with your sons than you.”

“You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t know about.” Mary retorted barely glancing up at Ruby.

“By that same logic, you shouldn’t be talking about what you do or do not know what Dean can do.” Ruby hissed, turning that famous temper on. She shrugged off a backpack near Dean’s head with a hollow thump and turned on her heel. She faced Mary and her hands clenched at her sides. The anger that Sam never showed, Ruby had on full display now. One thing about Dean and Ruby; they were never sparse when it came to showing their animosity. “Maybe if you were here for a couple of birthdays, or to you know, raise them, it would be a different story. But you weren’t. Dean is supposed to avoid stress for the next week or so. I suggest you leave.”

“I will not have-” Mary started, raising a finger to Ruby. She was interrupted by someone walking into Dean’s room, clipboard in hand, smirk on his face.

“Hey there, Dean-o. How’s it hanging? The nurses report just a little bit to your right.” Dr. Gabe said. Dean glowered. Dr. Gabe sidled around Mary and smiled up at Ruby. “Excuse me, Miss Ruby. Gotta check the patient’s vitals and all that doctor-y stuff they pay me a stupid amount of money to do.”

Ruby, for her part, spared him a glance but walked to the foot of Dean’s bed where, between Dr. Gabe and herself, they were able to effectively block any view of Mary.

“You need to leave.” Ruby said. Her voice and tone were low and Dean could tell that Mary’s presence was beginning to grate on her in ways she had yet to imagine.

“That is my son.” Mary replied with only the slightest tremble in her voice. “I have just as much right as anyone else here. More so, if you can imagine giving up your body for nine months to give him a life.”

“That’s about all you did. The rest was always poor woe-as-me crap.” Ruby snapped. Dr. Gabe turned and spared them a glance over his shoulder.

“Ladies, I don’t mean to intrude, but Dr. Castiel ordered that the patient be under as little stress as possible. If you are going to continue this conversation, I must insist that you do so outside of this room.” He said calmly. Ruby folded her arms over her chest and remained silent and still. Mary continued to stand there, watching all three of them carefully. Finally she reached over and snatched her purse from the chair.

Ruby didn’t miss the stormy look on Dr. Gabe’s face. He said nothing however and the look passed as he turned back to Dean.

“Can you tell me how you are feeling today?”

Dean pursed his lips and looked down. Gabe was almost as good as Cas about the whole waiting thing. He had this trick, where if it looked like Dean was becoming frustrated too quickly, he would pull out a piece of candy and hand it off to Dean. It was childish to be sure, but it was also enough to distract Dean from the mounting anger he would begin to feel along his shoulders and neck and he usually managed to spit out an answer a moment later. So as Dean searched for the words and Ruby picked up the backpack she had so unceremoniously dropped earlier, Gabe plopped down on the bed beside Dean. He waited quietly and only lost his attention once when he heard a soft “Excuse me” and turned to see Ruby clutching her phone and heading for the exit.

“What’s up with her?” Dr. Gabe asked, pulling a small square of caramel from his jacket pocket and pressing it into Dean’s hand. Dean slowly unwrapped it, concentrating hard on not ripping the plastic wrapping.

“Dunno.” He finally replied.

“I’m starting to wonder if your horrendous mother is on to a theory. I think that if we just continue to give you candy, you’ll be reciting War and Peace by the end of the week.” Dr. Gabe smiled at him beatifically and added, “I don’t mean that, of course. Unless it’s true.” Dean smiled gently but remained stoically silent, still staring at his hands. He popped the candy into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. The two of them shared a quiet moment.

“Hey, man. Do you draw or anything? I know Ruby and your hulking little brother are always going on about how great you are with cars and stuff, but I’ve seen you with a pencil doodling.” Dean raised his eyes to Dr. Gabe, surprise written all over his face. “Yeah, we’re trained to notice the little things. So tell me, if I was able to sneak some paper and maybe some decent pencils in here-” Dean reached forward and grasped Dr. Gabe’s hands.

“Please.” He said softly, urgency painting his words.

Dr. Gabe was startled at the naked need that lay evident there. Had no one noticed that this young man needed art supplies like he needed Dr. Sexy on demand, like he needed bubblegum, like he needed Zeppelin on his iPod, like he needed air?

“Sure thing, buddy.” Dr. Gabe said. “As soon as I can.”  Dean leaned back and nodded. “Is there anything else that you need that you aren’t telling anyone else about?”

Dean shook his head.

“Alright, well I’ve got some rounds to finish up. But I’ll get them to you as soon as I can.” Dr. Gabe said.

Dean nodded.

On his way out of the room, he spotted Castiel headed in his direction. “Your patient, Frank Devereaux? He’s been wanting to speak with you. I believe he wants to leave the hospital.”

“AMA.” Gabe said, shaking his head.

“I attempted to explain what ‘against medical advice’ means but he said he was not going to listen to some whipper snapper. I leave it in your capable hands.” Castiel said evenly.

They had paused several doors down from Dean’s room.

“So, I don’t mean to stick my nose in your patient’s business either, but I think it would be best if we encourage Mrs. Winchester to spend a little more time away from Dean’s room.”

“In regards to what?” Castiel said, as they stopped in front of a closed door.

“It seems that Mrs. Winchester-” Gabe stopped and they both turned their eyes to the bathroom where it sounded like someone was being violently sick. Gabe waited for a second after the retching stopped and continued “-believes that Dean is faking to some degree or another.”

Castiel groaned. “Not one of those.”

“Fraid so, little bro. Also, Dean is dying to get his hands on some paper and pencils. Did you know he drew?”

Castiel’s eyebrows drew together in interest. “I did not.”

“Interesting, don’t you think? How they were both artists, to some extent?” Gabe said casually, offering Castiel the same kind of caramel he had offered Dean. Castiel took it and began to unwrap it in the same exacting manner Dean had.

“A lot of people like to draw, Gabe.” Castiel said, frowning at the candy that was now neatly in the palm of his hand.

“But those two-” Gabe started. He was interrupted again by the person in the bathroom, who still seemed to be trying to maintain some sense of privacy. Their conversation paused long enough for the person’s sickness to pass and the water faucet turn on. They did not pick up their conversation until the door cracked open and Ruby tried to slip out, only to be confronted by not just one, but two doctors. She opened her mouth to say something but Gabe was already there, a hand around her waist and was ushering her into a nearby room. Castiel caught Missouri’s eye who was already standing and making her way around to them.

To say that Ruby was a favorite of the hospital staff would be an understatement. The clear and utter devotion she had shown to Sam and Dean was undeniable. Her ability to pick up medical jargon was astonishing and she was, in Dr. Gabe’s words, kind of a bad ass. Castiel and Balthazar were inclined to agree with him after they watched her go toe to toe with an orthopedic surgeon by the name of Dr. Alastair. She did not budge when she heard the man talk down to Dean and demanded a second opinion and a different doctor. When he attempted to threaten Ruby as well, she had only laughed and said, “Wait until my boyfriend, his brother and best goddamn attorney in the state hear about how you have treated not only him but his girlfriend as well. In front of witnesses, nonetheless.” And nodded towards Castiel and Balthazar. Alastair had left without another word. The fourth and final Novak brother had been brought in, a soft spoken young man, as brilliant as Castiel (“And prettier too,” Ruby added), with a bedside manner exceeding those of most mothers and Ruby had been satisfied. Samandriel had even stopped to talk specifically to Ruby after he was done talking with Dean and Ruby might have developed maternal instincts towards the soft spoken surgeon.  

So, now, Ruby was treasured above most other visitors, given an extra jello and Castiel had caught Missouri more than once sneaking her a Sprite from the fridge.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Ruby said, attempting to shake Gabe off.

Castiel slipped a blood pressure cuff onto her arm as Gabe took her temperature.

“How long have you been feeling ill?” Castiel asked, checking her pupils for dilation. She ruined it by rolling her eyes at him.

“About a week now.” She said.

“Did you fall? Hit your head?” Dr. Gabe asked, scribbling down her vitals.

“No.” She replied.

“Were you hit? Do you feel safe at home?” Castiel asked, attempting to check her eyes once more.

“Mary is the only who shouldn’t feel safe at home.” Ruby muttered.

“Ruby.” Castiel chided, his fingers on her pulse and his eyes on his watch.

She pushed them away gently and cast a glance at Missouri. Missouri shrugged in an off handed way and Castiel watched as they had an entire conversation through shared looks and raised eyebrows.

“I’m pregnant.” She finally said. “And I am trusting you two, as medical professionals, to not say a damn word to either Dean or Sam.” She raised a finger at both of them. Dr. Gabe raised his own hands in a mock surrender but Castiel furrowed his eyebrow.

“Why would you not tell them?”

“Because Dean needs everything we are giving him. Believe me. And if he sees someone as more deserving of any amount of attention he is getting, you can bet your sweet ass that he will guilt everyone into giving it to them.”

Castiel pondered her words for a long moment. “Have you seen a doctor?”

“I was going through the phone book earlier. Don’t know who to look for though.” Ruby shrugged.

Castiel pulled out his script pad and scribbled something on it. “Take that to 483 Walnut Street. Dr. Bradbury is the finest OB I’ve ever worked with.” He paused. “She is… eccentric but I believe that you and her will get along just fine.” Ruby took the piece of paper and stuffed it into her pocket.

“Not a word.” She said one more time, pointedly at Gabe. He smirked but nodded. She left the room without a single glance back and the three remaining in the room didn’t say a word.

“I will tell you both, I love that Winchester family,” Missouri said, “But they need to work on their communication skills.”

Gabe and Castiel nodded.

“I will check on Dean.” Castiel said. He pulled a pen from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

“Funny you mention Dean and then stick something in your mouth.” Gabe said. Cas glared at him but Gabe just waved as he walked out the room. Missouri tried to hide her smirk but failed miserably. Cas pulled the pen from his mouth and stomped out of the room.

Ruby was tucked into her usual chair, her hair pinned up high on her head and a book in her lap. Dean had the remote in his hand and twirled it listlessly.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel said pleasantly. It was be a bold faced lie if he tried to say that Dean, despite his tendency to be obstinate, was not easily his favorite patient. “I hear that my brother played interference earlier.”

Dean shrugged and winced when he remembered his injured shoulder.

“Well, be that as it may, I want you to take it under serious advisement that I can bar or at the very least, limit certain visitors from seeing my patients.” This was an absolute lie and not the first time Castiel had told it, if only for the patient’s reaction to such news. “If I believe that they are doing more harm than good, that is.”

Dean looked up at Castiel, his eyes questioning. “Is there someone you would like me to put on a ‘no visiting’ list?”

Dean chewed on his lip but eventually shook his head no. Parents had a hold on their children, for good or worse, like nothing else Cas had ever seen. But Cas knew and he understood. So he nodded. “Ok, that’s fine.”

Castiel pulled up a Dean’s chart on his tablet and began scribbling down notes. Dean remained silent for a moment before he sighed. Cas glanced up at him.

“All right, Dean?” Cas asked. Dean glanced over at Ruby who pretended not to see it but stood right then.

“I’m going to the cafeteria. Dean, can I get you anything?”

“Pie.” Dean said with a charming grin.

“I’ll see what they have.” She promised. She tucked her phone into her pocket and plucked her book out of the chair. She pulled the door closed and Cas turned his tablet off and tossed it on the chair Ruby had so recently vacated.

“Talk to me.” Cas said gently.

Dean hesitated. Then he took a deep breath and said, “Surgery. Thursday.”

Cas nodded. “Yes, Samandriel will be doing that.”

There was another long pause and Dean worried at the edge of his sweatpants. “Will,” There was another long pause and Cas watched Dean’s fingers pulling at a stray thread before he continued. “It hurt?” He finally asked.

“No.” Cas replied immediately. “You will be completely out before they start. Samandriel will make sure of that. You will have some discomfort after surgery but we will manage that pain as well, when we get there.”

Dean still plucked at his sweatpants and didn’t look up. “I-” Dean cleared his throat and finally raised his eyes to Castiel. They stared at one another for a long second until Dean finally choked out, “Will wake up?”

There are times when a doctor needs a nurse. Nurses are known for their ability to know a patient’s mood, when to comfort, how to comfort. In this case, it was just Dean and Cas in the room when he asked that soft question, that question that had been grinding away at his brain for the past day or so. So Castiel leaned across the small space, grasped Dean’s hand and said, “Yes, Dean. You will wake up. And you’ll get better. Your shoulder, your ankle, all of it.” Cas didn’t drop his eyes until he saw the same resolve in Dean. “I’ll be there when you wake.” He stood and finally dropped Dean’s hand, his own fingers already aching for the warmth. He nodded once to Dean and left. He didn’t notice Dean curling his fingers, looking for the lost warmth.  

 


	4. It's Time To Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean leaves the hospital but it feels like he left something behind.

To say that the following three days of Dean and Sam’s relationship were the rockiest thus far would not be an understatement. Between the demands of the office and Dean still being unable to communicate, Sam was close to losing his mind. His mother and her strange silences and judgemental looks when she even glanced at Ruby were definitely not helping either. So when he ended up in Castiel’s overly large office in an equally large leather chair that was designed to make him sleep he did just that. He only woke up later when he jerked himself awake from a dream of Dean tumbling away from him in a fiery wreckage.

Castiel sat at his desk, signing papers in front of him, Beethoven playing on speakers around the office.

“Sorry, doc. I must have dozed off for a second while I was waiting for you.”

“It’s six thirty, Sam.” Castiel said, glancing up at the clock on the wall.

Their appointment had been for eleven thirty.

“Your phone was ringing nonstop, so I took the liberty of telling Ruby where you are. She agreed with me that you have been under an extraordinary amount of stress and that we should let you sleep.” Castiel stacked some papers and placed them neatly next to him. Then he turned his full attention to Sam. “Talk to me.” He offered.

“Dean-”

“No, not about Dean. About you. How are you?”

Sam opened his mouth and closed it. He was confused. “I’m- I feel fine.”

Castiel snorted. “No you don’t. I don’t even need a medical degree to see that.”  He watched Sam with those inscrutable blue eyes for a moment. “Ruby tells me that you and her are planning on suing the city and state and also plan to represent the deceased’s families as well. She also informed me that you and her will be getting married in the next one to three years as well as having opened your own law firm recently. Your reputation precedes you and you feel you must maintain your high level of defense for your clients even at a time like this. Your brother almost died and might be diagnosed with a mental defect tomorrow. Your father is nowhere to be found and you treat your mother, at best, with a level of acrimony that few people display to their enemies, let alone their mothers. Now tell me again, Sam,” Castiel leaned back, “How very well you are dealing with this amount of stress.”   

Sam opened his mouth to say once again that he was dealing the hand he had been dealt. There was no other way around it, he had to just handle what he could and ask for help where he could get it. Instead, he slumped back against the chair.

“Mom left us when I was six months old. Ellen once told me that having small children does that to some women. They feel trapped by their kids and just up and leave. Except mom didn’t just up and leave. No, she left us with an alcoholic war vet who had serious mental issues. PTSD was the worst of it. We grew up with shotguns laying around like most families had magazines. Mom went back to school, got her degree in French history and left the country. She’s a teacher somewhere in France and we see her only when we have to. If it weren’t for Ellen pressuring me, I would have never called her. Now she has it in her head that Dean is faking and I’m not sure you could tell, but Ruby takes no one’s shit. And that’s all my mom has been giving her. Shit. Ruby is to the point where she won’t even cook for my mom because my mom just complains about it. Ellen and Bobby offered her a room at their house but she won’t take it. Says she needs to be near us in case something happens to Dean.” Sam took a deep breath. “And then there is Dean. I don’t even know what to say about what’s happening with him.”

Castiel let that last sentence hang and then turned his eyes to the window next to them. There was a long pause before he said, “Don’t say you are fine again when you are not, Sam. That’s what doctors are here for. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of my colleagues are assholes, but I would like to humbly excuse myself from that club. Now listen to me.” Sam raised his eyes to Castiel who looked at him. “Kick your mom out. Tell her to get a hotel room. Something. The last thing you need to deal with, as you put it, is her shit. Once she is gone, you and Ruby will be able to maintain an equilibrium for Dean and that is where I can help the most.” Castiel leaned forward and said, “It is transient aphasia. It will go away. Maybe in a year, but no more than five. He will have to deal with it. And he’s going to be pissed. The last thing I want, as his doctor, is a woman who thinks that he is faking his condition.” It took that last line and a stony look in Castiel’s eyes for Sam to realize he was probably feeling a pretty high level of acrimony at their mother as well.

“You really think that?” Sam asked, holding his breath.

“Yesterday, when I left him, Dean was able to answer yes/no and true/false questions with ease. When I walked in it looked like Ruby was about to take the nearest sharp object to your mother and Dean couldn’t answer any questions at all. I’ve seen these symptoms before. They will cause him to backslide and we can’t have that. Are we clear?” Castiel asked.

“Crystal.” Sam said, jaw clenched at the thought of whatever his mother said to his, basically, defenseless brother. Sometimes Sam wondered if he got off easy being raised by his brother than her. “But that’s your official diagnosis?”

Castiel nodded. “Between spending time with your brother, my own extensive knowledge of the subject and seeing the tests today, yes. That is my official diagnosis. I wanted to talk to you today about it, but sometimes other demands arise.” Castiel stood and shrugged off his white coat and pulled on a navy blue sports coat that was hanging behind his closed door. “I have other matters I have to tend to tonight.” Nonetheless, Cas offered him a small smile. “It’s good news, Sam. As the old saying goes, this too shall pass.”  

Cas stood and Sam did as well. He gathered his coat in his arms and said, “Thank you, Cas. For everything.”

“We aren’t done yet, Sam. Not by a long shot.”

Cas and Sam walked a short way down the hall, parting ways so that Sam could go see his brother and Cas could finally go home. The drive was quiet and Cas was grateful, letting his thoughts wander. He passed through the middle of town, still lit up with shops open late for the Christmas season. He pulled into a hobby store that he used to frequent so often, the owner knew him by name.

“Castiel!” Pam said, delighted.

“Hello, Pamela.” Cas said. Pam hugged him as tight as she could and held on for a second too long. He knew what she was saying.

“How have you been?” She asked.

“Well.” Cas said softly, the smell of wood and paint assailing him and bringing back some memories he thought he had long left behind.

“And the family?” She asked. He looped an arm through hers.

“They are all well. Samandriel is finally done with his residency. Balthazar and Gabe are still around and being general pains in the ass.”

“Sounds about right.” Pam said with a grin.

They retraced steps that were long familiar to the both of them, ending up in the aisle where there were rows upon rows of pens, pencils and artistic necessities that made Castiel a little more melancholy than he would like to admit.

“Are you here for the same old stuff?” Pam asked carefully.

“No. Well, yes. Same stuff, different person. I think-” Castiel was troubled when his eyes clouded over and Pam tightened her hold on him and he leaned against her for a moment. She was strong, this one. “I think he deserves something different. He’s the same as her, but still different.” He paused and looked down at his shoes. “Can you help me pick something out?”

“Of course, honey.” She said, stepping down the aisle and plucking things out of the shelves and then heading down another aisle for paper. He paid and kissed Pamela goodbye on the cheek.

When he finally got home, he was in a much more hopeful mood. Things were turning around for his favorite patient and his support system was strong. He pulled into his favorite spot, between Balthazar and Samandriel, and headed up the steps. The groundskeeper had been thoughtful enough to spread salt on the steps for the evening’s coming snow and Cas was grateful. He opened the door and stepped in, dropping his briefcase beside Samandriel’s ratty backpack and Balthazar’s leather satchel and somewhere near the mess of papers that Gabriel was somehow able to keep organized. There was a fire going in the living room and Gabe and Kali were there, Kali curled next to Gabe and the two of them speaking quietly. Kali raised her eyes to Cas and smiled warmly.

“Hey, Cas.” She said. Gabe held a hand out behind his head for a highfive. Cas greeted them both in return.

“Samandriel waited to eat with you. I think he’s in the den.” Gabe said.

“Thank you.” Cas said, turning on his heel, heading down another hall to find Samandriel and Balthazar engaged in a war against zombies on the overly large TV.

“Damn.” Balthazar muttered as he died horribly.

“Real life, give me a fifth of whiskey, some dental floss and about fifteen minutes and you would be up on your feet.” Samandriel said with a grin.

“That is why you are sticking with me in the zombie apocalypse, little brother.” Balthazar said.

“Hello.” Cas said.

Both brothers jumped and Balthazar muttered something about buying Cas a bell. Samandriel smiled. “I waited for you to eat dinner. Jenny left ours in the oven.”

Cas smiled at his younger brother. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”

“Well, when you spend an unnecessary amount of time with the Winchesters, you do mess up your eating schedule.” Samandriel said. Balthazar cuffed him over the head.

“Leave Cassy alone. He hasn’t has this much fun in ages.” Balthazar winked. Cas did his best to ignore his brothers.

The three of them headed down the hallway and past the huge formal dining room and into the kitchen. Samandriel pulled a roast out of the oven and began to slice and serve both him and Castiel. He spooned a generous amount of vegetables on their plates as well. Castiel plucked silverware from the drawer while Balthazar poured an ample serving of red wine for himself and a much smaller amount for both Castiel and Samandriel. They gathered around the bar in silence, casting glances into the living room where Kali and Gabriel lay.

“They are awfully quiet tonight.” Cas remarked.

“Kali had a tough one today. One of her patients didn’t make it.” Samandriel said softly. Kali was a child psychologist and often worked with her patients for years, forming a deep rapport with them. She was one of the most highly regarded people in her field. When she lost a patient, while not often, it affected her deeply. And while her and Gabriel had a tumultuous relationship at best sometimes, he was always careful to pamper her in smaller but more intimate ways on days and sometimes weeks afterwards. He was a different person for her, something Castiel only saw with patients. He was softer, more caring and often more vulnerable for both Kali and his patients.

“That’s terrible.” Balthazar remarked, swirling his wine around the glass and watching it fade back into the bottom. “Shall I make her cookies?”

Samandriel considered this for a moment. “She enjoys your pineapple upside down cake more.”

Balthazar nodded and turned to fridge, pulling ingredients out, and began earnestly. Castiel watched Balthazar with mild interest. He often believed his older brother to be destined for the kitchen but emergency medicine called to him, and as was tradition with their family, he followed in their father’s footsteps. While their father had been a cardiologist, he had encouraged his children to go into their own fields and find their own ways. He was proud at each and every one of their graduations, their pictures with their dad at each of their ceremonies mounted in the living room that Gabe and Kali now occupied.

Samandriel took his plate away and slid them both into the dishwasher. Castiel turned to his brothers and asked, “Do you think we are inordinately lucky?”

Balthazar frowned at his cake batter before looking up. “What do you mean?”

Castiel gestured around them. “The house, the maids, the groundskeepers. The money, the cars. The education. Dad. Mom. The way they raised us. The culture. The esteem. Even now, how many brothers live and work together in such peace?”

“All of that was worked for.” Samandriel said. “No one handed dad his degree. No one handed us ours. And we have to put a great deal of work into the so called ‘peace’ around this house.”

“But without dad getting his degree, without the economic security-” Cas argued.

“Winchesters plaguing your thoughts, brother? I heard what Sam said about their father. Gabe filled me in on what a piece of work his mom is.” Balthazar replied.

Castiel frowned and scratched at the granite countertop. “Dean draws.” He said softly.

Balthazar and Samandriel shared a pointed look. “That’s what this is about.” Balthazar said softly.

“A lot of people draw, Cassy.” Samandriel said gently.

“The car wrecks. On that road-”

“Coincidence. Uncanny, to be sure, but coincidence nonetheless.” Balthazar said.

There was a long silence and Balthazar turned the mixer on and Cas finally raised his eyes to Samandriel. “I’m sure you are right.” He said. He nodded at them both, headed upstairs and passed by an old silver mirror, ran his fingers along the gilded edge and closed his bedroom door behind him. He turned to his room, filled to the rim with books, movies, another tv, an overly large bed, expensive rugs and lamps. He couldn’t help himself. It still felt empty.

~*~

The next day dawned cold and cloudy. The promised snow had been dumped overnight and Castiel stayed in bed longer than was prudent, warm and safe in his bed and his house. It was a hollow comfort. Serious dark eyes and charcoal sketches had plagued his dreams all night.

Eventually Castiel pulled himself out of bed and into the shower. He didn’t have time for his morning run on the treadmill and for that he was regretful. Running often cleared his head and he needed it more than ever that morning. Gabriel greeted him at the door, his usual stack of papers in his arms and a thick jacket around his shoulders. A new scarf wound itself around his neck and he gave Cas a small smile.

“Holidays suck, bro. But we’ve got through them before. We’ll do it again.”

Gabriel knew the sticky sadness that had overrun Castiel’s thoughts the night before. He was closer to Gabriel than his other brothers and knew that Gabe felt Anna’s loss as keenly as he did. All Castiel could do was nod at his words and Gabe snatched his keys up.

“I’ll drive.” He said.

The ride into work was quiet.

Once there, Castiel threw himself into his work. Missouri knew this time of year was especially hard for the Novak brothers, all four of them, and did not miss a beat. She was there when he needed her help with an especially difficult patient, providing support before he asked for it and all around babied him that day. He was grateful and was able to avoid Dean for the better part of the day, sending Gabriel in to check on him every once in awhile.

After sitting with another family for close to an hour, explaining the conditions of a newly diagnosed epileptic child, Gabe finally cornered him.

“Don’t get me wrong, the Winchesters love me. They do. They don’t say so in so many words but I can feel their admiration from afar. If Sam didn’t have Ruby and I didn’t have Kali, there would be a serious love connection. But they are asking for their Dr. Novak. So if you would be so kind as to look in on them before you leave for the day, I would appreciate it.” Gabe all but shoved Dean’s chart into his chest before walking down the hall.

Castiel knew that he did have to look in on Dean that day and it was nearing the end of his shift. It was now or never. He just needed to duck into his office for a moment to gather himself and slow his breathing, put on the doctor mask he so often hid behind and be a professional. So that’s what he did. And if he happened to grab the pencils and paper he had bought the night before, it was also a distraction.

The similarities were often too much, even for one as calm and collected as Cas.

He walked down the hall and passed Missouri behind the nurses station. She tapped her watch. “You were supposed to have left half an hour ago, Castiel. I don’t need you stressed out and in a bed down the hall.”

Cas forced a smile. “Almost done, ma’am.”

She glared at him. “Don’t ‘ma’am’ me. Those pretty blue eyes can’t get you everywhere you know. You aren’t too big for me to throw you out of my hospital.”

“I just have to check on Dean and I’m out. I promise.” Cas said, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Damn right you’re out. Put you on your behind, if I have to.” She muttered as he stepped into Dean’s room. This time, Castiel’s smile was not forced.

Dean’s room was dark and the tv was on. He appeared to be dozing and Sam was tucked into the couch next to him, dead to the world. The man needed more restful sleep, Cas noted. He frowned at him and then stepped up next to Dean. He pulled out his tablet, bringing up Dean’s file, having deposited the physical one with Missouri moments earlier. Everything was on par, his healing was exemplary and his head injury was progressing nicely. Samandriel’s notes on the surgery were neat and to the point, Gabriel’s notes from the day far less so. When Cas looked back up at Dean, he found those wide green eyes staring up at him.

“Heya, Cas.” Dean said roughly.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel replied, immediately placing a hand to his forehead. He could have checked the numerous machines around him for Dean’s temperature but more people seemed comforted like this, and frankly, it had become a habit of Castiel’s years previously. “You seem to be doing well.”

“Doing ok.” Dean agreed, barely hesitating on the second word. Castiel felt triumph bloom in his chest. Ruby was right, this boy would not stay laid up for long.

“Dr. Gabriel filled me in on something you’ve been holding out on.” Castiel said, sliding the paper and pencils out from underneath his tablet. “Seems you have a little bit of an artist in you.”

Dean grasped the package in his good hand, the other one still bound to his chest from surgery. “Thank you.” He whispered, stuttering a little more over the second word.

“My pleasure. But I do have one request from you.” Cas said.

“Yes.” Dean replied immediately.

Castiel smiled and swallowed past a lump in his throat. He could clearly hear his a little girl making promises she could not keep in his mind. “You don’t even know what it is.” He said.

“Doesn’t matter.” Dean said, looking up at him with those big green eyes.

Cas glanced down at his tablet and took a seat next to Dean. “Draw me a masterpiece. All the words you are missing, put them in there,” He nodded at the journal of paper. “And give me something to hang on to.”

Dean watched him with a certain weight behind his eyes he could not yet express. He pursed his lips and nodded. Cas nodded back and glanced down at Dean’s wrist, tanned and nicked with scars that he wanted to know the story behind. The silence was thick and heavy before Castiel nodded once more and crossed back to the door.

He had his hand on the doorknob when he heard it.

“Hope.” Dean said.

Castiel looked back at him. The tears were there, he knew it. That had been her middle name. “You already gave that to me.”  

Dean was released into Ruby and Sam’s care a few days later. As Cas sat in the room and shared the stresses and conditions of Dean’s upcoming care he spoke primarily to Ruby and Sam but also to Bobby and Ellen. Jo was there as well, helping to pack up Dean’s things and get him dressed. He winced as they pulled his clothes on but gritted his teeth instead of attempting to say something. Whenever he opened his mouth to say something, anything, everyone turned and gave him their undivided attention until he was finally able to spit out what he wanted to say. It unnerved him to be so much at the center of everyone’s world.

Cas introduced them to Tessa and Victor before they left the hospital, his speech and physical therapists, respectively. Ruby immediately liked Tessa and they exchanged numbers within moments of knowing each other. Tessa promised to be in contact as soon as she had her week’s schedule worked out and hugged Dean fiercely before she left. Victor was a little more reserved and talked to both Sam and Dean in a low tone. They sat with him for a few moments in his office, Sam leaning forward and Dean occasionally rubbing his collarbone gently. It caught Castiel’s eye and at one point he gently moved Dean’s hand from his collarbone. “Let it heal.” He murmured. Dean cast him a fiery glance but refrained from reaching anymore. Victor went through briefly what their schedule would be like and handed them some information on exercises Dean could start at home before they left.

Castiel walked them to the entrance of the hospital where Bobby and Ellen waited in Ellen’s sleek new SUV. Bobby looked unhappy but that was his reserved look for anything made after 1975 that he had to ride around in.

Before they left, Castiel place a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “If you need anything, please do not hesitate to contact me. My office and cell phone number are on the card I gave Ruby.”

Ruby turned and hugged Castiel hard. “I like you, Dr. Novak, but I hope we don’t see you before the next appointment.”

Castiel smiled faintly and patted Ruby on the back. “If you need me, though-” He paused and caught her eye. She had yet to tell Sam. “For anything, please call.”

“It’s already in my cell phone.” She hesitated and pulled back for a second. “I’m sure you are aware, but we plan to bring a suit against the city-”

“Call me.” Castiel said. “I will clear my schedule. Or make Gabriel handle my schedule.”

Sam took the wheelchair from their volunteer and helped Dean out to the SUV. Dean glanced back at the automatic doors but all he saw was Castiel (Dr. Novak, goddamnit, Dean. His name is Dr. Novak.) turn and head back inside.

“Ok, honey?” Ellen asked. Dean turned back to her and smiled and nodded. She put the truck in drive and they left the hospital.

Dean couldn’t help but feel that he had left something behind.

 


	5. His Place To Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions run high and Dean needs help.

At home, Sam helped Dean upstairs and into bed. Dean didn’t want to admit it, not that he could, not articulately, but he was so tired. Ruby followed behind while Ellen, Bobby and Jo began puttering around the kitchen, pulling together sandwiches for everyone. In Dean’s bedroom, Ruby pulled the blankets down so that he could climb in. He leaned against Sam heavily while she worked quickly and swiftly. Mary stood in the doorway, watching her. When she was done, Sam half carried Dean to the bed. He sat down and watched while Sam knelt and took off his shoes and Ruby gently began to work his jacket and overshirt off of him. He winced a few times but did not protest. Sam laid him down gently and Ruby pulled the blankets up around him.

“Do you want another pain pill?” Sam asked, leaning close. From the other side, Ruby placed a hand on his forehead and then cheek. Dean shook his head and then held up a hand with his fingers a little ways apart.

“In a little bit?” Ruby asked. Dean nodded.

“You need anything else?” Sam asked.

Dean opened his eyes and stared up at his little brother. He nodded slowly and Sam waited him out, waited for his brain to catch up with his wants. The pauses and half starts were always worse when he was tired. “Water.” He said slowly.

Ruby was there a second later with a glass and a straw that Jo had brought to him. He drank deeply and sighed. He closed his eyes and everyone left the room then. Sam was the last to leave, closing the door partway.

“That should have been me.” Mary said softly, looking at the partially closed door.

“Yeah. It should have been you and dad. But you weren’t there for me when I needed you and I’m not going to expect you to be here for him when he needs you.” Sam said, tossing the comment over his shoulder as casually as Dean taught him to throw a football. No one turned to see the stricken look on Mary’s face.

Dinner was subdued and for once, Mary did not stay. After a very short and terse talk the night before, she had gotten a hotel room. Ellen, Bobby and Jo cleaned up and left shortly after as well. Ruby was practically falling asleep at the table so Sam scooped her up in his arms and hauled her off to bed. He pulled her boots off, tugged off her jeans and when she muttered something about her makeup still being on, he handed her one of the makeup remover thingies that she kept near her side of the bed. He threw it away after she was done and tugged the blankets up around her shoulders.

Sam was worried about her. She became more and more tired lately and with an alarming frequency. He had seen the looks Cas, Missouri and even Ellen casting her and wondered if they knew something he didn’t. He made it a point to remind himself to get home earlier, get to work later and be around more often.

They did, after all, have a wedding to plan yet.

Sam stood and began to get ready for bed as well. He pulled on flannel pajama bottoms and a tshirt before heading down to Dean’s room. He knocked softly before opening the door and Dean turned his head to him.

“Hey, man. You ready for that pill yet?”

Dean considered and nodded. Sam shook it out and handed it over and then gave Dean more water. Dean looked at him expectantly as though to ask Why are you still here? I took my meds like a good little boy. You can go.

“Remember when I was little? Dad had got us evicted and took off with some of his buddies and left us with the Impala that you could barely drive?” Dean nodded. It had been hot that summer and Sam had been particularly whiny. “We found some of Dad’s money stashed away in wheel well and we got some food and then spent the rest of it on fireworks. I’m pretty sure we almost lit that field on fire.” Sam paused and pulled at a stray thread on the drawstring of his pajamas. “What I remember the most isn’t the landlord throwing us out or Dad taking off or being hungry and worried. What I remember is that you were there, Dean. You took care of me. Now, it’s my turn.” Sam stood and chuckled as Dean rolled his eyes. “Good night Dean.”

“Night, Sammy.” Dean replied, his words still guttural from the lack of use.

Sam paused just down the hall and let those words sink in.

Sometimes a simple goodnight was the best thing in the world.

 

~*~

 

Ruby, in all her glory and wisdom, had worked out a schedule for Dean. She put calls into Tessa and Victor, used a calendar and all the help she could get. Sam would still be at the office and Ruby would be there as much as possible but saw no reason to leave Dean alone all that much. Jo, Ellen and Bobby were able to help as well, when the time ran a little long or short. It worked well.

For about a week.

That was all that Dean could stand. When everyone jumped up to help him or white knuckled a five minute conversation with him, he felt like he was drowning in all the words that were trapped inside of him, felt like everyone else was flaunting their ability to talk, felt like he was trapped in a dark well with no other way out. He began to withdraw more and more, preferring to only speak to Sam and Ruby. Sam saw the hurt in Jo’s eyes but saw the understanding in Ellen’s. When he didn’t go with Sam to take their mom to their airport, he didn’t even try caring to see if Mary knew.

Strangely enough, Ruby was the only one that didn’t annoy the ever living shit out of him on a daily basis. She took care of him, yes. More so than Sam and was around more than anyone else. With his shoulder still immobile, she made his meals, helped him get his shirts on and drove him to all his appointments. She never made comments or wearied underneath the tasks laid before her. In fact, she seemed to revel in it. She whistled while she cooked for him and Sam and there was more color in her cheeks. She watched him like a hawk and had all the patience of Castiel when they held halting conversations so it never felt like a chore when he sat down to attempt his speech therapy exercises.

So when Sam came home, about two weeks after Dean’s release from the hospital, he was surprised at the ruckus that greeted him when he opened the door. It smelled delicious, just like it had every day for the past two weeks. But the music from the kitchen was blaring and it sounded like a fight had broken out in there as well.

Sam approached cautiously. He wouldn’t have been totally surprised to see Dean and Ruby actually going at it. The peace, however fleeting, was destined not to last. Sam had been thankful, hell he wanted to fall on his knees every night in gratitude to whatever deity that had allowed that relationship to bloom. Instead, however, when he stepped around the corner he watched his brother take a plate from Ruby’s proffered hand and throw it as hard as he could against the opposing wall. It shattered and Ruby handed him another one, calm as could be. She caught Sam’s eye and smiled. He frowned at her and stepped back as Dean hurled another dinner plate and a string of obscenities. Ruby already had another plate in her hand. Dean was clearly upset at something and lacking the words to articulate whatever was bothering him. Ruby had been witness to Dean’s outbursts before, slamming doors and kicking holes in the occasional wall. They were almost always in frustration at his speech and Ruby had told Sam when they were getting ready for bed that she would much prefer that he take the anger out on the house than on himself. On this count, Sam agreed.  

Unsure of what to do, Sam palmed his phone before bringing up Castiel’s number. It was late, later than what he would normally call a polite hour, but Ruby and Dean’s behavior warranted a call, in Sam’s opinion.

The phone rang once before Castiel picked up. “Dr, Novak speaking.” He said crisply.

“Dr. Novak, this is Sam. Uh, Sam Winchester.”

“Sam. What can I do for you?” Castiel asked seriously.

“Um. Well.” Sam cleared his throat. “I’m not sure?” He said.

“Start at the beginning.” Castiel encouraged.

Sam ran through his relatively short story and then another almighty crash came from the kitchen that made him jump followed by Dean screaming, “Fuck!”

“I’ll be over.” Castiel said.

By the time that Cas did finally make it over, Ruby and Dean had run through all the dinner plates, salad plates, dessert plates and had begun on the glasses. Ruby, the picture of calm, would occasionally reach out and stir a pot on the stove and check the oven. Sam watched but said nothing from the doorway.

Castiel drove up the drive and parked behind Sam’s Challenger and Dean’s Impala. His economical sedan looked out of place amongst the muscle cars of the last century. The wind nipped at the back of his neck as he stepped out of his car and whipped his trench coat around his knees. He raised his hand to knock but heard a similar crash to that of what he heard on the phone earlier and decided to enter anyway.

Cas joined Sam in the doorway to watch Dean hurl four more glasses at the wall that was now dented and scratched. Despite the chill outside, the kitchen was warm and Ruby wore jersey shorts and a tshirt. Dean wore jeans and an undershirt and Sam had taken off his button up and jacket. Castiel shrugged off his trench coat and laid it off to the side, pushing up the sleeves of his blue henley. He toed his shoes off as well, not wanting to track mud and dirty snow in Ruby’s clean home. Cas watched silently as well while Dean hurled more glasses and Ruby nonchalantly hand him another. Ruby held out one more glass, and Dean took it, before clutching it in his hand as hard as he could and then setting it back down on the counter. He turned his back on Sam and Cas, raising a hand to his face. His face was already wet with tears but Cas would bet that he had just noticed that. This was not the first time that a patient would express frustration in a display of anger. Ruby placed a hand on his back and rubbed circles there, standing close to him but not saying a word. He leaned into her, his new best friend, this woman who was a rock in his life. Sam knew, whatever issues they had in the past, whatever angry words or fights that might have occurred between the two of them, Ruby’s place in Dean’s life had climbed up somewhere beside Sam.  

“Useless.” He muttered.

“No, you aren’t.” She argued.

He tried to level her with a glare but she was having none of it. “Shut up.” She snapped at him. “You aren’t. Sam needs you. I need you. Jo needs you. We all need you desperately. You’ll get this thing off your shoulder soon enough and you’ll get back to your dirty disgusting cars. You’ll get back to what you had and then some.”

“Dean you’ve been home two weeks.” Sam argued. “If it’s getting that bad, we can find something for you. I’m sure Bobby has something for you-”

Dean shook his head, “No. Look.” He said, gesturing to first his arm and then his head.

“Dean, your head is fine. Your cognitive process-” Castiel started.

“You can think just fine. Numbers are nothing to you-” Sam picked up.

“Cas?” Dean asked, noticing him for the first time.

“I’m pregnant.” Ruby practically yelled, making everyone jump.

Dean, Sam and Cas turned their eyes to her and for once the silence wasn’t loaded with unsaid words.

“What?” Dean and Sam asked at the same time.

“I’m pregnant. I wanted to wait until Dean got a little more steady on his feet but, I mean, we’re going to need a nursery. We have stuff to do-” Ruby gulped in some air, unable to contain her own words. “I have a doctor and there’s vitamins and sleep and stuff I can and can’t eat and should eat and I’m getting a little overwhelmed and I need help-”

“We’ll help you.” Cas volunteered loudly. “We’ll help you.” Cas repeated after a moment, his eyes on Dean now. “But for now, may I speak to Dean alone?”

Dean huffed out a breath and nodded, crossed the kitchen as quickly as he could and barely missed getting sideswiped by Sam who was on his way to Ruby. Their excited laughter followed Dean and Cas to the living room. Cas cleared his throat.

“Is there somewhere we can be alone?” He asked.

Dean looked around for a moment, pursed his lips and seemed to come to a decision. He marched them both up the creaky stairs and down the hall and into his bedroom. He pushed open the door and let Cas walk in first. He was immediately assailed by all things purely Dean before stepping all the way through.

When John had left, really left, the house fell to Dean. It had been in an appalling state of disrepair that he had to set to fixing immediately, working almost nonstop the spring of his senior year. It had continued for a year after that, fixing the banister that was a little shaky, the stairs that creaked horribly, the doors that had holes from alcoholic rages, the roof that was very questionable, the pipes when they burst, anything and everything that came up.

So when he got around to fixing up the master and ensuite bathroom, Dean felt more than ok about fixing it up to his very discerning tastes. The bed was a captain’s bed, low and the same rich dark color as the floor.The comforter was a dark red, inviting and warm. The dresser was the same rich color and brought to Castiel’s mind thoughts that were altogether very unprofessional of him (but Jesus, Dean laid out in the bed-) and in the corner was a small table next to chair. A lamp stood next to the chair and the pencils and paper he had bought Dean were there. The bathroom was in the corner opposite Dean’s drawing area and Cas got a glimpse of expensive tile work and what had to be an amazing shower stall (why, dear god, does this man have two shower heads-). But it wasn’t just the amazing floor and breathtaking shower that made this warm room so very Dean. It was the pink iPod playing Sweet Home Alabama in the corner softly. It was the change in a mason jar on his dresser. It was the pictures of Bobby, Sam and Ruby that lay scattered around the room. Cat’s Cradle on the small table next to the his journal and pencils. There was a closet filled with tshirts and long sleeved flannel shirts that Cas would bet his last dollar were as soft-

Dean slumped down and sat on his bed. Cas took the chair underneath the lamp directly across from him.

“You’re angry.” Cas said. He cleared his throat and leaned forward so that his forearms rested on his thighs.  “I wouldn’t expect anything less, either. What happened to you was unfair and now you are paying for someone else’s mistake or lack of foresight on that godforsaken road.”

“I can’t-” Dean stopped and swallowed hard. “Help it-” Another pause, “Anymore.”

“Not yet, Dean. It’s been three weeks. You haven’t given your body a chance to heal. What you went through was traumatic-”

“No-” Dean started.

“Yes, Dean. Please, listen. It’s not an excuse or a crutch or whatever it is you are calling it in your thick skull. It is scientific, medical fact. Give yourself time. Let yourself enjoy things again. Let it come back to and it will come back to you. Relax. Spend time with your brother. Start drawing up plans for the nursery. See if you can help at the garage.”

“I need-” Dean stared down at his hand and clenched his fist. “Help.”

“Of course.” Castiel said earnestly. “Name it. I’ll get it for you.”

“From you.” Dean said, finally meeting his eyes.

Castiel let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Yes.” Was all he said. “But first, rest. Relax. I will be here for you.”

Against his better judgement, Cas stood and sat next to Dean. Everything that had been ingrained to him since the beginning of his education screamed at him to get some distance because this was unprofessional and could cost him everything.

But the look on Dean’s face, the look that begged him for help, begged him to give him back just a little bit of who he was before broke a piece of Castiel that had barely been mended years before. Castiel could still clearly remember Anna, how she smelled of sandalwood all the time and had a smile for everyone. Older than Samandriel, fourth child to the Novaks and their lost artist.

“I had a sister.” Castiel said after a long moment of silence. “Anna.”

“Anna?” Dean said, quirking an eyebrow. The thought was clear on his face: Gabriel, Balthazar, Castiel, Samandriel and she got Anna?

“It was easier to say than Anael.” Cas said with a smile. “Anyway, Anna was the only girl in our family. Our parents adored her. Everyone did, honestly. Her and I were close, born less than a year apart. While our father demanded the best of us, graduate early, go to the best colleges, work our asses off, he let Anna choose her own path. He adored her. She was no less a genius than the rest of us though. She played the piano like an angel. She painted, oils mostly. When she drew, it was always with charcoal that she would get everywhere.” Cas paused here. “The thing you have to understand about Anna was that she should have been a spoiled brat. But she wasn’t. When I was struggling with anatomy, she would paint me pictures of anatomically correct people so I could label and label and label until I got everything right. She used to bring Gabe warm milk when he had trouble sleeping so he wouldn’t drink so much. Her and Balthazar would spend hours in the kitchen, trying new recipes and laughing, god I would hear them laughing for hours. After our parents passed away, she spent all of her time with Samandriel, studying with him, cooking for him, making sure he had all the best tips to pick up girls.” Cas cleared his throat. “Samandriel was sick one night. Nothing serious but Anna was adamant about getting fresh ingredients for his soup. Gabe was on a date with Kali, Samandriel was home, Balthazar and I were both at the hospital. She took her car, this stupid little sports car, and when she was coming around a curve,” Cas stopped. He looked over at Dean and placed a hand on his forearm. “She wasn’t as strong as you. She had always been fragile, even as a child. She would cry when she got papercut. She passed away shortly after they brought her in. Balthazar and I were both there, though. That’s a comfort. She died with two of her big brothers holding her hand.”

Dean ached to lay his own hand over the one that was on his forearm, but it was still tied up in his sling. Castiel cleared his throat and continued, “So when I’m asking you to be strong and to try, I guess I’m being selfish and not just asking for your sake but for my own too.” He stood then, smiled down at Dean and said, “We’ll start on Thursday. I’ll come over after my shift is done and we’ll work on this together, ok?”

Before Dean could nod, Cas had stepped out of his room and started down the hall. He offered his congratulations to Ruby and Sam before he left but he paused at the door of his own car. The light in Dean’s room was still on.

He wished he could offer more comfort than what he had. Instead he drove home, charcoal sketches and green eyes on his mind.

 

~*~

 

Dean made his way downstairs and when he saw Sam cleaning up his mess, he grimaced. “Sorry.” He said. He got the broom in a vain attempt to help Sam. Ruby placed a hand on Sam as he knelt on the floor and headed upstairs.   

Sam looked up, eyes glazed and distant. Frankly, he looked high. “No, man. It’s ok. Everything is good to go. I got this.”

Dean paused. “You sure?”

Sam looked down at the shattered plates and glasses that still remained at his feet and the dented and scratched wall in front of him. He stood suddenly and swept Dean up in a hug. Startled, it threw Dean off balance for a second and then, using his only good arm, he wrapped it around his brother who was now in tears and slobbering all over his neck. Dean stiffened for a second, remembering all the times that Sam would beg Dean to call their mom and Dean never had so much as a phone number. Dean tightened his hold on his brother, the words sticking in the back of his throat. What’s wrong? Where does it hurt? Are you bleeding? Let me fix it.

“I’m so happy.” Sam finally choked out. Dean cocked an eyebrow, waiting for the punchline. “You’re alive. A little damaged, but we’ll fix you up. Ruby is pregnant and we’re gonna have a baby, Dean. A baby! You’re going to be an uncle!” Sam grasped the back of his neck and said, “An uncle, Dean.”

And Dean finally got a hit of what Sam was smoking. Dean was alive. There was going to be another small Winchester running around the place. Dean would get better. There would be a baby.

“Uncle.” Dean muttered and smirked. Then they laughed. They laughed so hard and so long, Dean slid to the floor.  Sam sat down in a chair and put his head between his legs while he gasped for breath. Ruby came in and slid between the two of them and began to serve dinner. She couldn’t help the small smirk in the corner of her own mouth. It had been so long since she had seen Sam smile and to see him like this, helpless against the laughter he shared with his brother in this family setting that they had all designed was something that she could not deny.  


	6. The Rule of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything has to change. That's just the way life is, man.

Dean began to work a lot harder after that. Gone were the self doubts and the self loathing he had been letting himself wallow in for far too long. He put a little more effort in with Victor and Tessa, spitting out the words when he thought he couldn’t, pushing himself to work a little harder on that shoulder. He finally got the sling off and Victor and he worked gingerly at first, discovering his range of movements and then working out from there.

Cas would come over every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. He would sit for hours with Dean, using flashcards or sometimes just sitting and talking for hours and hours. The first time they started this whole routine, Sam watched Dean’s face go dark when Castiel held up a picture showing a chair.

“Chariot.” Dean said and then shook his head. Took a deep breath. Looked up. “Chance.” Cas remained steady, not looking away from Dean or getting exasperated. Sam would have told him the word by now and he even opened his mouth to do so before Cas held up one finger to hush him. “Change.”

“Try, Dean. What did Tessa teach you? Think around it. Don’t pressure. Think around it.”

Dean huffed out a sigh and glared at Cas for a long moment. “Chair.”

Sam stood, fist raised high in the air.  Dean rolled his eyes but smiled anyway. Cas nodded and held up another card. Cas had to bite back a smile as both Winchesters frowned at the picture.

“I didn’t suffer a traumatic brain injury and I don’t know what the hell that is.” Sam said, tilting his head and frowning.

“Shush, Sam. Or I’m kicking you out.” Cas threatened.

“What the fuck is that?” Dean asked, frowning.

“Good!” Cas practically shouted, startling both Sam and Dean into jumping. “I have no idea either,” Cas said, tilting the card back and frowning at it. It had too many wings and several faces of different animals to be anything of this planet really. “An angel, maybe? I think they were supposed to have three faces and thirty wings or something like that. Not the point!” Cas said. He pointed at Dean. “You asked a question without hesitation or misusing a word.  That’s my point!”

Dean grinned, pleased with the compliment. Sam nudged Dean after a moment. “Did you tell him?”

“Not yet.” Dean said.

“Tell me what?” Cas as he glanced over at the clock and began to gather up the cards and notebook and pens into his bag. Dean used drawing as the occasional distraction to help think  his way around a word until it finally came to him.

“I start work-” Dean paused, focusing on his thick silver ring for a moment. “Tomorrow.”

“What? That’s great Dean!” Cas said, one of those rare wide grins on his face.

“Yeah. No big deal.” He paused once more and began to twist the ring around on his finger. It was one of his tells. He was nervous. It was  a big deal. Castiel caught Sam’s eye and flicked a look towards the door. A not so subtle Get out.

“Gotta remind Ruby to take her vitamins before she falls asleep.” Sam said, standing. He looped an arm around Dean’s neck, giving him a rough hug and clapped Castiel on the shoulder.

“So how are you feeling about returning to work?”

Dean shrugged.

Cas sighed.

Silence.

Cas knew better to try and shove sentences where they didn’t belong. So he waited for a moment before Dean finally said, “I’m worried-” He frowned down at his hands for a long moment, “I’m going to-” He sighed and spread his hands out on the table top and ran his palms along the flat of it, a simple gesture turned strangely erotic for a moment. “Fail.” Dean finally finished and Cas barely caught the edge of the word before frowning up at him.

“You know it’s only your language, your spoken language that is impaired Dean. Everything else, your math and reading and writing skills are what they were before the accident. If Bobby has you on a desk job, you will be just fine. If you are working on engines… Well, if Victor signed off on it, he’s the expert but I would like to bring Samandriel over to test your range of motion and strength-”

“Desk job, Cas.” Dean said. He rolled his eyes when Cas got too “mother hen” on him.

“Then I see no reason for you to be worried then. You are incredibly intelligent and I’m sure any job that Bobby will give you will be beneath your understanding.”

Dean rolled his eyes and stood. He handed Cas a stray pencil from the table. Castiel’s long fingers rolled over Dean’s work roughened ones and Dean caught Castiel’s eye.

“Thank you- for all of this.” Dean said softly.

“It’s my pleasure.” Castiel said equally soft but earnest.

They might have stood there for a moment longer if not for Sam’s steps from the hallway. Dean dropped his hand and Cas stuffed the spare pencil in his bag. They turned to Sam at the same time.

“Hey, Ruby has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow right after court. Do you think you can ask Bobby to give you a ride?” Sam asked.

“I can pick him up.” Cas said immediately. Sam opened his mouth to protest but Cas beat him to it. “The garage is on the way home from the hospital and so is your house. Not a big deal. My shift is over tomorrow at four, if that is a good time?” Cas said, turning to Dean.

Dean was already nodding. “If you don’t mind.” He said.

Cas smiled down at his bag that he was still trying to open and managed to shove the spare pencil in. “I don’t mind.”

“All right, great. Thanks Cas.” Sam said. He sidestepped the two of them to grab a couple of bottles of water for Ruby and a bottle of ibuprofen. On his back to the hallway, Cas deftly plucked the bottle from his hand and read the bottle.

“Nope.” He said flatly. “Stick with acetaminophen.”

“Really?” Sam asked.

“Yes.” Cas said.

“Shit.” Sam said, turned on his heel and went back to the medicine cabinet. “I guess it pays to have a doctor on the payroll.”

Dean only rolled his eyes as his brother left the room once more. He rolled his shoulder back and winced.

“Are the muscles tightening up?” Cas asked.

“Think so.” Dean replied, trying to shrug off the pain. Cas stepped forward and slipped his cool fingers underneath the collar of Dean’s shirt to the muscles that joined his shoulder and neck. He applied a significant amount of pressure to the muscles that were bunching just to the right of Dean’s left shoulder. They were hard and he could feel how tense and still-

Castiel’s eyes flew to Dean’s face who was frozen underneath his touch. They stopped for a long moment and Dean dragged his eyes away from Castiel’s big blue eyes down to his lips and then further down to where the top button of Castiel’s shirt was open. He flicked his eyes back up to Castiel’s lips before meeting his gaze once more and they both remained frozen for a long moment.

“I should go.” Cas finally muttered. He didn’t pull away. His fingers stayed where they were, lightly resting on Dean’s warm skin.

Dean nodded. He didn’t pull away either. Finally, Dean felt Castiel’s fingers flex once more against his skin before Castiel dragged his hand away. Cas nodded once and turned on his heel and Dean stood still in the kitchen, the weight of what had almost happened heavy in the air surrounding him. He didn’t have the words and for once, it wasn’t because of his recovering injury.

It was because Castiel, his presence, his touch, that left Dean breathless and clear headed and unsteady and with a strange pressure on his chest that was only matched by the lightheaded feeling he could only barely contain. After a long moment, Dean reached for the light switch, turned it off and headed upstairs.

 

~*~

 

The next day, Dean sat at Bobby’s desk, pulling up numbers and frowning at them. He could hear the music playing from the garage and Jo shout occasionally at Ash and Garth and the comforting clang of tools.

“You frown any harder at that screen your face is going to stay that way.” Bobby scolded from the door. He plopped a cold can of soda in front of Dean. Dean reached for it and thought of Castiel’s frown when he saw a can of the sugary stuff in Dean’s hand.

“It’s a mess.” Dean said.

“I didn’t have anyone here to tell me how to run the damn thing, Dean.”

“Jo?” Dean asked, vaguely recalling teaching her how to run the program that created invoices for each store, that billed each customer and ordered parts.

“She was too busy running this store when I had to head up north for the new store opening.”

“Well, shit.” Dean said and frowned again.

“Do you need help?” Bobby asked. “I can hire a secretary.”

“No. I can,” Dean sighed and rolled the soda can between his palms. The cool droplets distracted him for a moment while he sorted through his words. “I can do this.” He finally got out.

“You sure, son? There ain’t no shame in asking for help.”

Dean shot him a brief smiled that walked a fine line between sarcasm and bitterness. “I know.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to it. Call if you need me.”

“Go away, old man.” Dean said with a softer smile, something closer to affection.

Bobby paused at the door, his hand gripping the frame. He turned to look at Dean. “It sure is good to have you back, boy.”

Dean ducked his head and when he looked up, Bobby was gone. He turned back to the computer, the numbers clear and understandable in his head and began to sort through the mess that had been left in the wake of his accident.

Midday, Jo pulled his rolling chair away from the desk and wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind. “We missed you.” She said. “Mom is here with food. Come on. You don’t want her coming in here to get you.”

Dean stood and crossed over the yard with Jo, her hand swinging in his. “Remember when we were little and we used to play in all these old cars? I’m surprised that Sam was the only one who had to get a tetanus shot. Or when we would go have picnics in the field behind the yard? Man, those were the days.”

Dean squeezed her hand. “You wanted to be a superhero.”

Jo smiled up at him. “You’re my superhero.”

“Cheeseball.” He scoffed back.

As they neared the house, Bobby’s voice could be heard through the door. “You aren’t paying for anything, you moron! If I have to say it again, I’m going to kick your ass, your brother’s ass and the other brother who is snooping around in my kitchen!”

Dean and Jo paused at the foot of the stairs leading to the porch and looked up. Dean wasn’t sure about Jo, but he felt like he was twelve years old again and John was here one more time, to get the boys back from Ellen and Bobby. He could hear the echoing shouts of his father and Bobby arguing about what should be done with the boys, who knew better and threats of calling Child Protective Services.

Instead of John fumbling through the door, half drunk, it was Gabriel and Castiel, the latter sporting an impressive bruise on the right side of  his face and small bandages on his forehead. Castiel and Dean’s eyes met and then Cas’s eyes fell to where Jo and Dean held hands. Jo tugged away and stepped forward.

“Dr. Novak? What happened?” She asked, staring at him intently.

“I was rear ended. Gabriel informed me that there were many competent mechanics here.” Cas said. Gabe raised a hand and waved. Jo leapt forward and took his hand.

“I’m just going to, uh-” Jo said, tugging at Gabriel’s hand.

“Show me around.” Gabe provided and Jo smiled gratefully. They walked away back towards the garage, hands swinging like Dean and Jo had done moments earlier.

“Does Joanna hold hands with everyone?” Cas asked, fingers tracing the delicate bruise that marred the better half of his face.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Dean said, stepping forward as Cas stepped down on the stairs. He huffed and sat down. “Even Bobby, when she can get away with it.” Dean finished, stepping closer to Cas to inspect the bruise on his face. The small bandages held together what was probably a gash that had bled mightily.

“So you and Joanna…?” Cas started.

“Call her Jo.” Dean muttered, stepping into Castiel’s personal bubble of space, and tipping his chin back to see what his face looked like. “And no, we are not. I’m her brother, same as Sam.” He raised his fingers to the delicate cut across Castiel’s face, and the bruise on his face. He traced the edges of it gently and Castiel held so still that Dean had to glance up at him to make sure he hadn’t spontaneously fallen asleep. He traced it back to his jaw and watched Cas close his eyes underneath his touch. A small smile crossed his face and he looked up at Dean. “How’s it look, Doc?” He asked, his tone gentle and mocking.

“I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle and a fifth of whiskey.”

Castiel arched an eyebrow and it would have been cute and cocky and all manner of appealing if it hadn’t pulled on the bandages on his face and caused him to wince. “I don’t know if I am more astounded at your speech or your needed supplies.” He replied. Dean didn’t drop his hand and Cas didn’t move away. In fact, he inched forward a little bit on the seat and Dean steadied himself, expecting Castiel to lean into him. Instead he continued to stare up at him. “I am not going to be able to drive you home. Bobby informed me that my car is untrustworthy. He also informed me that my money is not a usable currency at this establishment and that if I tried to pay him or anyone that works here, he will end my family’s bloodline.”

Dean smiled. “He likes you.”

“I fail to see how a threat of death is a show of affection.” Cas said, and Dean felt the familiar weight of Castiel’s hand on his hip, right at his belt loop. Dean tugged gently at the edges of Castiel’s hair on the nape of his neck. It felt right, being in the soft sunshine on Bobby’s porch with him. Bruised and banged up as he was, Castiel was still too beautiful for Dean to fully realize with his lacking vocabulary. But he could feel it in his chest, a sense of lightness, almost unbearable, but still so right that it hurt.

He opened his mouth to say something smart ass back to Castiel but Bobby was suddenly there, “Because you helped my boy, you idjit. Ellen has food inside. Don’t make her come out and get you.”

Dean tugged Cas up by his elbow and they walked inside. Ellen was doling out burgers and fries on plates and gestured to the small butcher block, “Cheese and veggies are right there boys. Where on earth is your sister, Dean?” Ellen asked, looking out the window for Jo. Right then the front door banged open and Dean heard Sam’s voice muttering and then Ruby strode in, all smiles and good cheer. She took her spot next to Ellen at the counter and began to help her chop up vegetables. Sam came in and Castiel watched as he hung up his jacket on a peg near the door and loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. He carefully placed his tie over his jacket, on the same peg. Castiel caught sight of a small plaque above the peg that was labeled, Sam’s Peg, Not Dean’s. Cas smirked.

“Sam, go out there and get your sister. Tell Ash and Garth to get their skinny asses up here too. I made this food and it’s not going to go to waste.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Sam said before he caught sight of Cas. “Cas, holy shit, man. What happened?”

“Car accident.” Cas said simply.

“Were you rear ended?” Sam said, using his “lawyer” voice, as Dean called it. Ruby glanced over her shoulder and winced when she saw the bruise.

“I was.” Castiel confirmed.

“Perfect!” Sam said, scurrying back to his jacket while everyone watched him. He pulled his phone out of a pocket and began dialing and speaking. “Well, I don’t mean, perfect perfect. I have a junior partner, just brought him on board. I want to try him out, Castiel, if that’s ok with you. Kid is smart, he’s a little bit of a shark, but he’ll take care of you. Yeah?”

“Sure, Sam.” Cas said.

Sam pumped one fist in the air, made his way out to the yard as they all heard him say, “Hey Kevin, you busy?”

There was a soft silence before Bobby stood up from his chair at the head of the table and nodded to Balthazar who had just exited Bobby’s pantry. “You. The other other Dr. Novak. We’re going to need some extra chairs, if you wouldn’t mind being a bit of a help.”

Balthazar grinned broadly at Castiel. “Yes, sir. And might I add, you keep a beautiful pantry.”

“That’s all Ellen, young man.” Bobby said.

That left Castiel and Dean leaning against the kitchen cabinets, watching Ellen and Ruby finish up the salad.

“How are you feeling, Cas? Your face hurting?” Ruby asked, looking over her shoulder.

“No, Balthazar gave me something for the pain at the ER.” Cas said.

“Do you need to sit down?” Ellen asked, also looking over her shoulder. It would have been easy to mistake the two for mother and daughter, the same quirked eyebrow and probing eyes.

“No, it was only a little morphine.” Cas said, shaking his head.

Ellen pointed at a chair. “Sit. I won’t have you falling on your face and messing up my clean floor.”

Balthazar came in just then, lugging extra chairs. “Not to worry. Cassie here is no lightweight. And it really was only a little bit.”

Ellen eyed them both warily but turned her attention to the window once more where Jo was getting a piggyback ride from Ash and Gabriel and Sam were laughing at something Garth was saying.

“Samandriel would love this.” Castiel murmured out loud.

“The one who worked on Dean’s shoulder?” Bobby asked.

Castiel nodded.

“Call him!” Ellen said. “We have plenty.”

Balthazar and Castiel exchanged a look.

“Oh, call him.” Ellen insisted. She still had a knife in her hand.

Samandriel showed up fifteen minutes later, a large pie in his hands, smiling shyly. Ellen had decided to make everyone wait until Samandriel showed up and when he did, everyone began serving themselves. Sam reached over everyone, pulling Ellen’s homemade macaroni and cheese closer to Ruby. She rewarded him with a smile. Dean reached for the peach tea and poured some for himself and held out the pitcher for Cas, wordlessly offering him some.

“Please.” Castiel said softly. He looked up at Dean right then and Dean shivered, the word conveying more than could possibly be meant. Dean’s world shrank down to just the two of them and he had to lower his eyes to Castiel’s glass. He passed the pitcher off to Gabe who was animatedly speaking with Ash about a video game. Ellen passed around more food and Balthazar leaned over to Dean and asked, “Where on earth did this heavenly woman learn to cook? I must have her recipes.”

Dean smirked. “You’ll have to complete the three trials, first.”

Balathazar clapped his hands together. “I’ll do it!” He declared and turned to Ellen, gesturing to the food in front of them. The spread in front of them was so wide and varied that the table was practically groaning underneath the weight. Castiel took the macaroni and cheese from Ruby and hid it by his elbow. He placed the vegetables closer to her along with the burgers and the fresh fruit that Jo had finally helped cut up. Sam smirked at Castiel’s efforts and when Balthazar saw Ruby reach for her second burger, he pulled it away out of her reach. He pushed the macaroni and cheese back towards her. Cas glared at him.

“Carbs.” Balthazar said helpfully.

“Sodium.”

“Body needs both.”

“Not in such large quantities.”

Ruby cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows at them both. “Dean will you pass the salsa, please?”

Dean knew better than to deny Ruby much of anything these days. He snaked an arm past Cas and grabbed the small glass dish and handed it off to Sam. Castiel and Balthazar seemed to be locked in some kind of wordless argument, with raised eyebrows, medical jargon and death threats being tossed around the table. Samandriel smiled contentedly between the two of them.

Dean began to build his burger, layering three kinds of cheese, bacon, avocado and salsa onto his toasted bun. Gabriel watched him, mouth open. Ellen tapped his chin lightly, where he snapped it shut.

“Jesus, Dean. You are almost as disgusting as Castiel.” Gabe said and Dean’s eyes slid over to Castiel’s plate where he carefully layered jalapeno, a single pineapple slice, avocado and cilantro on his burger.

“The man’s got taste.” Dean complimented, memorizing the ingredients that Cas used so that he could try the combination later. They both piled fries on their plate and the conversation continued around them, unabated. Towards the end of the meal, Sam cleared his throat.

“Ruby and I had a doctor’s appointment earlier today. And we just wanted to let everyone know that everything,” He eyed the four doctors at the table in turn, “Is fine. Great, actually. The doctor said that she hasn’t seen a more textbook pregnancy in years. But we do have some other news.”

“Twins?” Dean squeaked.

Ruby hit him on the arm. “No. Bite your tongue.”

“We found out the sex of the baby today.” Sam said. “And we can not tell you guys if you don’t want to know-” This was met with a loud chorus of boos and hisses and evidence to the contrary.

“Or we can let you know.” Ruby said.

Everyone shut up at that, practically leaning over their plates to hear the next words.

“We’re having a girl.” Sam said, a grin lighting up his face.

Ash pumped his fist in the air, Garth cheered as he pulled his wallet out and handed a twenty over to Ash, Jo and Ellen hugged each other and Bobby wiped away a tear as he leaned back in his chair. Dean leaned his face into his hands, propped up on the table. Ruby laughed and fell into Sam and Cas nudged Dean. “How does that sound, Uncle Dean?”

The room fell silent and Dean didn’t want to look up. His face was wet with tears. “It sounds amazing.” He whispered, his voice caught in his throat. Sam stood, his chair scraping on the floor.

“You big baby.” He said, hauling Dean to his feet and hugging him tightly to him. “Good thing I learned from the best how to be a dad.” He muttered and only Ruby and Castiel could hear those few last words. The two of them exchanged a barely there smile before the brothers sat down. The rest of lunch passed in a discussion of names and nursery colors.

 

~*~

 

That afternoon, Bobby asked Castiel to stick around to talk about his car. He waved the other brothers off, saying he would loan Cas a car to drive home later on. Bobby and Castiel disappeared in the office to discuss his car, a BMW sedan. While the two of them talked about a timetable, Ruby came into Dean’s office and sat down on the couch. Her bump was barely visible underneath her flowing shirt and Sam leaned against the door frame.

“Kevin is already working on Castiel’s accident.” Sam said.

“That’s good.” Dean said, scrolling through parts and bills on his screen.

“We are thinking about putting the nursery in the room next to ours.” Ruby said.

Dean frowned and shook his head. “No. That won’t work.”

“What?” Ruby asked. “Why not?”

“It’s too small.” Dean stood and pulled some blueprints from overhead. “I was thinking,” Dean smoothed the blueprints out on a nearby table and paused for a moment, “That the bedroom across.” Dean sighed and rubbed at his throat, willing the words to come faster and more naturally. “From you guys,” He cleared his throat and drummed his fingers on the table top. “Would be a better idea.”

Sam wandered over to Ruby and helped her up and they both came over to the table where Dean stood. “There is more sun and the tree.” Dean took a deep breath this time, trying to steady his head and his pounding heart. He felt Ruby place a hand on his back. “Is right outside the window. It’s nicer.”

Sam and Ruby leaned over the plans that Dean had drawn up and Ruby traced the plans with one finger.

“I like it.” She declared and sat back down.

Sam leaned over it and studied the layout. He and Dean began to discuss baby proofing their childhood home and Ruby resumed her place on the couch. When Sam glanced over at Ruby she was nodding off. He caught movement at the doorway and said softly, “Cas?”

He stuck his head in and said, “Sorry to interrupt.”

“No, we aren’t busy. Come in.” Sam said. He returned to the blueprints in front of him again. Dean nodded to the sofa where Ruby was curled up on the couch now. Castiel sat down and settled back. He pulled a small blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over Ruby. He smiled at Dean and gestured back to what he was doing before Cas had entered the small office. Dean smiled and turned back to listen to what Sam was saying. Staring at the two of them pouring over their plans was the last thing Castiel recalled before nodding off to sleep himself.

 

~*~

 

“Cas? Hey buddy.” Dean’s hand was on his knee, gently shaking Castiel awake. He blinked his eyes open at Dean and smiled. Dean’s hair was crazy, probably from running his hands through it.

“What time is it?” Cas asked, yawning and stretching and remembering all at once the accident he was just in when his face stung and his neck ached.

“Four.” Dean said, glancing at the clock.

“Are my brothers still here?”

“No. Back to work.” Dean said.

“Are you ready to go?” Castiel asked, scrubbing at his face with hands.

“Yeah. You?” Dean stood and reached for his jacket.

“What’s the matter, Dean?” Castiel asked, reaching a hand out to snag his jacket cuff.

“Nothin’.” Dean muttered.

“You’re reverting back to one word sentences.” Castiel noted and reached up to straighten out Dean’s hair. He stood still and looked up as if he could see what Castiel was doing with his hands. Cas dropped his hand down to the hair behind Dean’s ear that had a crazy strange patch sticking up and let his fingers linger lightly over his pulse point. He looked in Dean’s eyes and noted that his pupils were dilating correctly.

“Stop.” Dean said, batting his hand away before reaching back for his fingers.

“It is very contradictory of you to push me away only to pull me back.” Castiel said.

“You were,” Dean gestured with his free hand.

“I was what?” Castiel asked, searching his face for the answer.

“Doing the doctor thing.”

“Ah.” Cas said, reaching once more for Dean. “But honestly, what is the difference between this,” He traced his eyebrow and the shell of his ear and the line of his jaw and noted that Dean’s pupils dilated at the touch, “And this?” And he laid his fingers to Dean’s pulse point and then his palm to his forehead.

“This,” Dean moved his fingers to Castiel’s face, tracing his eyebrow and his ear and the line of his jaw and lightly once his bottom lip, “Is for us.” Dean pulled Castiel’s hand back to his pulse point. “This is to reassure you.”

Castiel’s eyes widened at his few words. Of course, he was right. He always was about this sort of thing. He could reduce Sam and Ruby to a stuttering mess of their own when he wanted to and he had just pulled the same trick with Castiel. Cas dropped his hand from Dean’s neck. He was playing a very dangerous game with this patient of his. There were other things at stake here.

“Let me take you home.” Cas muttered. He grabbed his jacket on the way out and slipped it on.

In the garage, Bobby tossed him the keys to Ellen’s SUV, explaining that they could use Jo’s GTO for the time being.

The car ride passed in relative silence and Dean figured that he had done something wrong, said something wrong and that Cas would drop him off at home and that would be the end of that until their next tutoring session when Cas would drop his professional mask on and help Dean recover what he had lost.

It was curious, then, when Cas exited the vehicle with Dean and followed him up to the porch and into the front of the house. There, Dean pulled off his jacket and waited for Castiel to do the same. Castiel instead looked down at the floor, at the muddy droplets that Dean was bound to get yelled at for later and then he finally sighed. He dropped his shoulders and looked a little defeated.

“Cas?” Dean asked, taking a step closer and reaching his hand out to his shoulder. Cas looked up at the contact and slipped into Dean’s personal space like it was the most natural thing in the world. When Dean looked at him now, he did not looked defeated so much as resigned to an unsaid fact. His eyebrows pulled together in a crinkle that Dean wanted to smooth away with his lips and before Dean could even complete that thought, Cas had leaned forward that tiny little bit and pressed his mouth to Dean’s, all soft and warm and pliant. Cas gasped at the contact, even though he was the initiating it and Dean was now in control as he slipped his arms around Castiel’s waist, under his jacket. He pulled Cas so that they were flush together, his mouth opening and nudging Castiel’s jaw with one thumb to do the same. It was what Dean needed, what he wanted more than anything and now that Castiel gave this to him, he felt better than he had in months, since the hospital, since before his accident. His words and his speech tumbled away from him, but for entirely different reasons.

Finally Castiel pulled away, his fingers tracing Dean’s face once more and whispering, “You brave, beautiful man.” He kissed Dean once more, chaste and absolutely sweet, before turning and leaving.

 

~*~

 

Castiel did not answer his phone that night.

 

~*~

 

Castiel did not answer his phone for the rest of the week.

 

~*~

 

When Dean tried to see him at the hospital the following week, all his secretary would tell him was that he was in a meeting, but no, he could not currently schedule an appointment with Dr. Novak.

 

~*~

 

Gabriel could not help.

 

~*~

 

Balthazar would not breathe a word of his brother’s whereabouts or his confidences.

 

~*~

 

Samandriel would only listen sympathetically and gesture helplessly.

 

~*~

 

Sam threatened death. Ruby threatened torture. Dean believed them both.

 

~*~

 

Ellen let him cry on her shoulder while Jo provided ice cream. Bobby offered Dean more hours at work to bury himself in.

~*~

 

Three weeks passed without word or sign of Dr. Castiel Novak. He was alive, but that’s all Dean knew.    

 

 


	7. Think Around It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel had things he had to take care of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, if you follow me on tumblr, you'll see that I did this all between last posting and this posting. It was a lot, as you can see I don't update this close together unless the fic is already done.   
> All comments and questions are appreciated.  
> Enjoy!

Truth be told, Dean wanted to quit. He wanted to just lay down on his bed and do absolutely nothing but replay his actions of that last day he had spent with Cas. He wanted to sit in his huge shower (which he had been so eager to share with Cas) and drink a bottle of whisky and use all the hot water in the house.

But he got up. Everyday, he got up and went to work and straightened out a little more of the billing and ordering of parts that came through to him. Sometimes he had lunch with his family. Sometimes he just had lunch at his desk.

Ruby would pick him up still for his doctors appointments, his speech therapy and his physical therapy. He did as he was asked and Ruby even found some podcasts for him to listen to when he had a moment. She made up some flashcards for him that he kept in his back pocket and instead of regressing, his progress became more and more remarkable. He even began to outstrip some of the things that Tessa had so carefully formulated. To the outsider, he kept busy, he kept his head above water and if it felt like he was sometimes swimming against the tide, no one mentioned it. No one mentioned the nights he would lock himself in his room and wish for a friend he didn’t know how he had lost. He had to make the conscious decision to reach for coffee or water instead of whisky. He had to force himself to shuffle past songs on his iPod that were sad.

After almost three full weeks of this routine, Ruby came into his room.

“You are absolutely intolerable.” She said flatly. Pregnancy made her even more beautiful if anything. Her hair was thick and shining and she practically glowed. But now she was just glaring at Dean. It also allowed her tolerate Dean’s moods more but honestly, there was only so much a girl could take. He was doing everything he was supposed to; the doctor appointments, the therapy, the flashcards but he was positively miserable about the whole thing.

“Go away.” He muttered.

“We have money, Dean.” She said, apropos of nothing. She sat down on his bed and poked the back of his head.  

He peeked his way out from under his sheets and raised an eyebrow. “So?”

“We have money, I’m pregnant, your brother is at work, we have shit we have to go buy.”

Dean rolled over in the bed that fit just right a couple weeks ago but was now too big for him. “Ugh. Wait for Sam.”

“No. You are getting your mopey ass out of bed and you are coming to the store and you are going to buy shit for your niece and you are going to pretend to enjoy yourself until you actually do, you giant weenie. And don’t think I won’t get a bucket of water from outside to throw on you because I will.” She stood and straightened her shirt and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Do not test me, Dean Winchester.”

She left the room and closed the door behind her. Dean briefly considered locking her out and going back to sleep but he knew from previous experience that she could pick a lock under fifteen seconds. He and Sam had timed her once.

Sometimes, there were more questions about Ruby than answers.

He stood and stretched, pulling and pushing at his shoulder like Victor advised him to. He shuffled off to his shower and turned on all three heads and got in. He stood for a moment and wondered if Ruby would venture this far in with her bucket of ice water. It wasn’t completely out of the question.

He got out, brushed his teeth, put some clothes on and headed for the kitchen. Ruby was there with a travel mug of coffee and a list in hand. “Diapers” was at the top of the list and underlined three times. Clothes, toys, wallpaper samples, color samples, crib, stroller, bassinet, changing table, towels, bottles…

“Christ.” He muttered. He had forgotten how much stuff a kid needed.

“We don’t have to get it all today.” Ruby said. “But I want to put a dent in it before she comes along.”

Dean couldn’t help but feel a tiny piece of hope bloom in his chest at the thought of a brand new Winchester running around. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, ok.” He folded the piece of paper neatly and tucked it away into his pocket. He got his coat, grabbed the coffee and his keys-

“Ruby?” He asked, looking into the decorative glass bowl that usually contained Ruby’s keys, Sam’s keys, Dean’s keys, both of their wallets, both of their watches, the small St. Christopher’s amulet Ruby had given to Sam, the small amulet Sam had given to Dean and Dean’s thick silver ring.

“Yeah?” She replied, pulling her hair out from underneath her jacket.

“Have you seen-” Dean felt naked without the ring on his finger. “My ring?”

“No.” Ruby said glancing down at the dish herself. “You probably just left it upstairs. Let’s go. We’re burning daylight.”

Dean shrugged his jacket on the rest of the way, put his watch on and followed Ruby out the door.

 

~*~

 

“First of all, I want you to know that it is taking every ounce of self control that I have not to punch you in your fucking face, ok?” Sam said, leaning back in his chair and wishing for Ruby. She would punch him in the face, no questions asked. “Second, I really want to punch you in the face.”

Castiel’s gaze held steady. “I understand that, Sam. I just need to know that he’s ok?”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Sam sneered.

“Because he will punch me in my face. As will Bobby, Ruby and I do not want to think about what Ellen or Jo would do in a closed room.”

“You aren’t wrong.” Sam said, thinking on his family for a moment.

Castiel hesitated. “He isn’t regressing?”

“No.” Sam said and smirked. It was a cruelty, Castiel understood that. “My big brother doesn’t lay down and die. He stands up and fights even if he gets sucker punched. If anything, someone leaving him and hurting him makes him fight harder. These past few weeks have sucked for him, but Jo and Tessa found some podcasts for him to work with. Victor and him are work out buddies now. They run. He and Ruby cook. We tinker on the Impala. You know, we take care of him. As much as he’ll let us. If anything, he’s flourishing. His words are coming back to him in a huge rush, especially lately.”

Cas nodded and looked down at the edges of his suit. He had a meeting he had to attend to. A very important meeting and he knew that Samandriel and Balthazar were waiting for him impatiently.

“There are things that had to be taken care of, Sam. I’m sure you are aware of the legal parameters of what we were stepping into. Dean was my patient. If I had shown any favoritism-”

“You could have stepped back, explained what was going on and cooled things off for a bit.” Sam said coldly. He stood, went around to the front of his desk and leaned against it. There was a knock at the door. Kevin stuck his head in.

“Mr. Winchester-”

“A minute, Kev. We’re almost done here.”

Kevin nodded and closed the door.

Sam crossed his arms and stared down at Castiel who was still seated. “Instead, it seemed that you went out of your way to hurt him. So I’ll tell you that yes, Dean is fine. He is not regressing. But I will not hand over any other information concerning my brother. You can grow a pair and talk to him yourself.” Sam straightened and nodded at the door. “You know the way out.”

Castiel knew a dismissal when he heard one. He stood and straightened  his suit. “Sam, it’s not that I wanted to hurt him-”

“But you did and that is enough for me. You know how to contact Dean. Kevin has your check from you accident. That is all.” Sam turned back to his desk. Castiel let himself out.

 

~*~

 

“How did it go?” Samandriel asked when Castiel slid back into the passenger’s seat.

“About as well as Gabe said it would.”

“Can’t say I blame him.” Balthazar said. “If he had done to you what you did to him-”

“It was the only way that this could have ended as well as it did, Balthazar.” Castiel said.

“You call this ‘well’?” Balthazar snorted. “You have had your title taken from you, you have not been allowed near a patient in almost three weeks, you mope around the house, you snap at all of us, and now you are being hauled in front of a disciplinary committee and this was all your own doing. You and your damnable integrity.”

“And if I had said nothing and done precisely as I felt? Then what? I would have been found out and lost more than what I already have lost. At least this way,” Castiel sighed. “At least this way I will have a fighting chance.”

Balthazar was silent. “I know he’s pretty, but is he worth all this trouble?”

Castiel smiled down at his hands. “He’s worth so much more, brother.”

When they entered the hospital, all three of them stood up straight and went straight to neurology. Gabriel was just finishing his shift, a double thanks to being short one doctor, and he hurriedly tied his tie and waited for Missouri to straighten it for him. She smoothed down his hair, patted his cheek and released him to his brothers who waited patiently at the end of the hall for him. The four of them were silent as they made their way to the east wing of the hospital and Gabriel shooed a bunch of interns out of an elevator so that they could make their way to the top floor in relative peace.

“Do you think they’ll take your license away?” Gabe asked, cutting to the quick.

“I hope not.” Castiel said. And that was the only real hope he had. He could end up without a license, without a job and without Dean.

“Come on. Azazel didn’t get that for his patient, uh, what was her name? Meg?”

“I suppose that’s true. And their relationship was very much physical in nature.” Castiel muttered, staring down at his hands.

“Wait-” Balthazar said, turning to him.

“Did you-” Gabe started.

Samandriel hit the stop button on the elevator and turned to him as well. “You mean, you never-”

All three brothers stared at Castiel as he gazed back at them, somewhat serenely. Resigned. “No. I never had sexual relations with Dean Winchester.”

“All those eye fucking moments and you weren’t remembering…. things?” Balthazar gasped.

“No. Of course not. I may have proven myself a fool but I’m not a self destructive idiot. I knew I could only take this so far without having my license taken away. I stopped when I had to.” Castiel replied harshly.

Balthazar and Samandriel turned to Gabe who knew more about the AMA rules and regulations than anyone else in the elevator. “No sexual relations whatsoever?” Gabe repeated slowly, as though to clarify the thought in his mind.

“None. Well, I kissed him-”

“None of us heard that.” Gabe said, raising a finger to his other two brothers. They both nodded. Gabe turned back to Cas. “And you will not say that in front of the committee. As far as you are concerned, you began having intimate feelings towards your patient, something that you could see unbecoming a doctor and you had reason to believe these feelings were reciprocated. You stepped away from the relationship, both professional and personal and handed the patient’s files and records over to me who has been overseeing the patient’s progress. Got it?” Gabe said. Castiel hesitated and then Gabe was in his face, pressing him against the back of the elevator. “I swear on Anna’s grave, if you tell them about that kiss, it will not only end you but it will end everyone else here. We will be ostracized, Castiel. This is not just about you. You carry the weight of our family’s well being on your shoulders right now.”

“Gabe, come on-” Samandriel started.

“He’s right, Samandriel.” Cas said. “I won’t say a word.”

Gabe met his eyes and they stared at each other for one long, silent moment. “Good.” Gabe whispered and pulled him into a rough hug. “Good. We’ll get through this, ya know? You’re a certified genius. We’ll be fine.” He turned to face his other two brothers and slapped the stop button on the elevator once more. “We’ll all be just fine.”

The doors opened on the twenty eighth floor. The four brothers left the elevator and crossed the short hall to the conference room that waited. Directors of four of the departments waited in there for Castiel along with the director of the hospital.

“Crowley. Naomi. Lilith. Fuck, and Alastair. Joshua is already seated.” Gabe said, peering through the one of the glass doors. Balthazar straightened Castiel’s tie and coat. Samandriel rubbed his back. Gabe turned back to him and it was the wide eyed panic he had seen on his little brother’s face when he had seen his skinny, fifteen year old brother off to college in a different state. He was terrified.

“Gabe, I can’t lose this. This is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. Gabe.” Castiel said helplessly.

“You won’t. Ok? You won’t. Take a deep breath. You are smart. You did nothing wrong. You wisely removed yourself from the situation. You are fine.” Gabe had never so fiercely wished for his father or hell, even Dean, as he did at that point. “You put your poker face on, get your ass in there, and you give them hell. You can do this.” Gabe regretted his earlier words; he only put more stress into a more stressful situation. Castiel reached out and gripped Gabe’s hand.

“I wish dad were here.” He said softly.

“Yeah, me too.” Gabe confided. He glanced up at Balthazar and Samandriel and they all crowded closer together.

“Whatever happens in there, you did the right thing. You know that, right?” Samandriel whispered. “I’m proud to call you my brother. Even if I didn’t have mom or dad, I had you and Anna. We’ll be ok.”

Balthazar smoothed a piece of hair down on Castiel’s head and he was reminded of late nights when he was scared of the dark and Balthazar would come in with spiced milk for him. “They would be a bunch of foolhardy morons to let you go. And this is not the only thing you are good at. But if this is what you want, we will be here, supporting whatever decision it is you intend to make. Go. Make us proud.” Balthazar straightened his jacket once more and Gabe and Samandriel stepped aside to let him pass. Castiel pulled himself up to his full height, raised his chin and donned his most professional mask. He nodded to his brothers and walked into the closed glass room.

 

~*~

 

Castiel slid into the cool leather seat across from the other directors of the departments. Naomi looked serious, Lilith looked bored, Crowely looked mildly interested and Alastair looked positively delighted. Joshua bore his usual look of seriousness, but that was to be expected.

“Mr. Novak,” Joshua intoned, “We are here to discuss your case and figure out a plan of action.”

“Yes, sir.” Castiel replied.

“Let’s begin with getting all the dirty parts out of the way first.” Crowley said, a smirk pulling at his lips. He was in desperate need of a shave. “You and Dean Winchester began an intimate affair-”

“Could you define intimate, please.” Castiel requested.

“Sexual relations.” Lilith said, spinning a pencil between her fingers.

“I never had sex with him.” Castiel said. The directors looked at him and if anything, a look of pride and relief skipped across Joshua’s face. “There were, uh, the beginnings of a relationship there, to be sure. But I removed myself from the situation as soon as I thought that the feelings might be reciprocated.”

“And by what means were these feelings made clear to be reciprocal?” Naomi asked, jotting something down on a pad in front of her.

“We had a conversation.” Castiel replied, lying for the first time in his meeting. “And it became clear that we both wanted the same thing. At this point, I physically left the area and went to Gabriel Novak and handed over all the files and records of Dean Winchester. He has been overseeing his progression ever since.”

“Have you had any contact with Mr. Winchester since you had the conversation concerning both of your, ah, feelings?” Lilith asked, daring to meet Castiel’s eyes for the first time.

“No contact whatsoever.”

“If we requested your phone records-” Alastair began.

“Clear.”

“And his brother? Mr, what was it? Ah yes. Sam Winchester.”

“I was at Mr. Sam Winchester’s office earlier today to speak to him about an accident that one of his junior partners was representing me in. I collected a check from the junior partner and left.”

“If we spoke to these two, would they corroborate what you said?” Naomi asked.

“Of course.” Castiel lied again. He doubted that Sam Winchester would be doing him any types of favors in the near future.

“Could you relay to us what was said during your conversation with Mr. Winchester when these feelings became clear?”

Castiel squared his shoulders, took a deep breath and plunged forward.

 

~*~

 

There was a long bench in the hallway where the Novak brothers had taken a seat and taken up a vigil.

“If I had to guess that we would be at a disciplinary meeting for anyone, Cassie would be the last person on that list.” Samandriel muttered from between the two of the others.

“I would think Gabe would have had a couple by now.” Balthazar agreed.

“Don’t act like I haven’t seen you looking at Sam.” Gabe grumbled. “He’s probably lucky that he has Ruby to keep you back.”

“True enough.” Balthazar agreed.

The three lapsed into a silence.

“Do you think he’s ok in there?” Samandriel whispered.

“I think if anyone can handle that kind of pressure, it’s Castiel.” Gabe nodded.

“He’s been in there an hour already.” Samandriel said, twisting his watch on his wrist.

“And he’ll be in there for as long as it takes.” Gabe said, unbuttoning his jacket and leaning back. “And we will wait right here and whatever the committee decides, we take his side. We take his side no matter what. He’s put himself through hell these last few weeks and he needs someone to back him.”

“We could hire someone to take Winchester out.” Balthazar suggested. Samandriel and Gabriel both stared at Balthazar. He shrugged but did not take back his comment. “I know people.” Was all he provided.

They waited in silence for another half hour. Samandriel quietly played a game on his phone. Gabe texted Kali. Balthazar mentally critized a post modern picture hung across the hall from them.

 

~*~

 

Ruby’s first stop was some store called Babies ‘N More.

“What the hell kind of name is this?” Dean asked, pulling his coat tighter while Ruby tucked her hand into the crook of his arm. They crossed the street. “What more could you possibly want?”

“Don’t be such a cynic, Dean. I’ve heard good thing about this place.” Ruby said. The door jingled softly as it opened and Dean stopped at the threshold and blinked. Everything was so tiny.

“Hey there.” A woman with blonde hair said from deeper in the store. She waved at them over the top of the racks. “Come on in.”

Ruby wove her way through the racks, stopping occasionally to look at something. If it were too pink or too girly, she would pass it by. Dean stopped at almost every rack in, picking apart clothes and bibs and shoes before finding something in particular he liked. Ruby was at the strollers when Dean finally caught up with her. His arms were loaded down with varying shades of pastels. She raised an eyebrow. “I guess that insurance money and your claim went through then?”

“And Bobby never stopped my paycheck. I’m flush.” Dean said. “I found some stuff I liked.”

“Some.” Ruby said as she picked through his pile of clothing. There were jeans with pink cuffs, little tiny work boots with pink laces, a yellow shirt with guitars on it, sweat pants that strangely resembled the ones Dean moped around in, blankets with either sweet little bears embroidered on it or guitars and skulls. He even found a little hat with a drum set on it, proclaiming, “I rock!” She also tugged out a shirt proclaiming, “My uncle is cuter than yours.” And another that said, “My uncle could beat your uncle up.”

“It’s true.” Dean insisted.

“I suppose.” Ruby said. She turned to look at the stroller that was at her fingertips. It was ergonomic, had speakers for the baby and came with shocks so that you could take the baby over hills and rocks if you were so inclined.

“Is that the one you are getting?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know. It’s pricey.”

“I’ll get it.” Dean said. He shifted the clothes to one arm and waved at the lady at the register. “Miss! We’re going to get this contraption here.” The girl scurried out and pushed the large box over to the front register. She came back for the pile of clothes in Dean’s hands. “I’ll keep these up front for you.”

“Is there anything else you want from here?” Dean asked, tugging on a mobile. It had animals circling it and Dean wondered if he had anything like that when he was younger. He doubted it. Mary thought that things that were traditionally used to stimulate the minds of young children were a trap to deaden creativity from the start and rarely let things like that into her household. Sam hadn’t had anything like that either but that was from the lack of funds or stable parental figure at the time.

“I don’t see anything else.” Ruby said, her hand on her tummy. “But you did just buy half the store.”

Dean pursed his lips and nodded. “I’m hungry.” He declared.

“Me too. Let’s pay and go get food.”

Their small run to that store didn’t put a dent in what Dean had saved up, but it was no small amount of money. At the first Mexican restaurant they passed, Ruby swung in and they trooped inside, heads tucked against the wind that whipped past them.

They were seated quickly and Dean passed the salsa over to Ruby. She seemed to consume the stuff by the bucket these days.

“How are you, Dean?” She asked, her mouth stuffed full of chips and salsa.

“I’m fine.” Dean said carefully, stirring his iced tea.

“Liar.” Ruby declared.

“I’m handling it.” Dean said, realizing that there was no way out of this conversation. Ruby eyed him suspiciously for a moment before sighing and settling back in her chair. She waved a waiter over and asked for my salsa before returning to Dean’s comment.

“I just want you to know that if you need something, if you need me to find him, if you need to talk about whatever, I’m here.”

Dean smiled weakly at his tea. “I know you are, Ruby.”

“Quit being such a girl. I’m the one carrying a kid in her stomach.” She kicked him under the table. “I’m serious. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I won’t punch a certain neurologist out.”

“No.” Dean said softly. “I’m sure there is a reason for why things happened the way they did. It’ll be fine.”

 

~*~

 

Castiel was dismissed for a ten minute break while the committee convened on his disciplinary action. His brothers enveloped him immediately. Samandriel pressed a bottle of water into his hands and they all sat at the couch.

“Did it go ok?”

“It’s hard to say.” Castiel said. “I wish I could text Sam to ask him that he keep our conversation this morning strictly confidential, attorney client privileges or something.”

“I believe that he would. I know you broke his brother’s heart and everything but you know how lawyers are.” Balthazar said.

Castiel nodded and took a long drink of the water in his hands. Naomi came out and waved him back into the room shortly thereafter.

When Castiel was seated, Joshua looked him in the eye. “The committee and I can actually find no wrong doing in what you did. You certainly pushed the line and although there was obviously an improper relationship happening and especially considering the nature of Dean Winchester’s injuries, we still have to take into account all the contributing factors. So, here is our decision.” Joshua’s eyes slid sideways to Alastair who looked petulant, like a scolded child. “Your suspension will remain intact for the next two and a half months. You are not to set foot in this hospital unless you yourself are a patient. Your current patient load will be distributed appropriately. Second, you will have a court ordered no contact, restraining order to stay away from Mr. Dean Winchester for the next six months. This is to ensure that if Mr. Winchester does in fact want a personal relationship with you, he will have the time and space to do so without becoming dependent on you and your care. Are these terms to your satisfaction?”

“I can keep my job?” Castiel asked.

“You may return in two and a half months time, yes.” Joshua replied.

“I’ll take it.” Castiel replied.

And it was over.

Everyone stood and began murmuring words of departure to each other and Castiel all but fled the room. He flew into Balthazar’s waiting arms and felt his other brothers wrap their arms around him too as he stuttered out the committee’s final decision. The four of them began to shuffle off to the elevator before Castiel heard a voice call out to him. He turned to see Joshua waving him over. He detached himself from his brothers and rushed back over.

“These are trying times and I know you will be tempted. As well as Mr. Winchester. Please, do not attempt to circumvent what has been put into place, ok?”

“Of course.” Castiel murmured.

“However, these things take time. Usually they go into effect midnight of the day of the meeting but I have been terribly overworked, you see. I won’t get to it until at least tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.” Castiel said slowly, watching Joshua’s gaze.

“Tomorrow at midnight will be when the restraining order goes into place. And that will be the last time you will be able to legall contact Dean Winchester for six months without jeopardizing your job.”

“Tomorrow at midnight.” Castiel said. He nodded tightly and rushed back to his brothers. In the elevator he explained what happened. Gabe shoved his keys at him.

“Go. Go talk to him. Tell him what happened.”

“Gabe-” Castiel said.

“Go! Balthazar can take me home. We’ll be fine. Didn’t I say that earlier? We’ll be fine.”

The doors opened, Cas gave Gabe a hard kiss to his forehead before he was flying down the hallway and into Gabe’s car. He sped and took the corners too sharp and flew down the streets. When he arrived at Dean’s house, Dean was stepping out of his car and Cas barely had time to open his mouth to say something, anything, before Dean was on him, fists in his shirt, hauling him up and out of the car and slamming him against the closed back door.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He growled.

“I had to talk to you. I had to tell you-”

Dean shook Castiel hard against the door. “Tell me what, Cas? That you were leaving? That you didn’t give a shit?” Dean dropped his hold on Castiel and stepped back. He wiped a hand across his mouth and looked up at Cas. “Then you should have stayed gone.”

“Please, Dean. I only have a short time.” Cas half begged.

Dean waved a hand. “Say whatever it is you feel you have to say and then leave.”

“I was going to lose my job, Dean. I couldn’t-” Cas cleared his throat. “The only thing I have ever had in this life was this job. It’s all I wanted, all I needed until I met you. And now I feel like I can’t have either one. So I chose. I chose to leave and get the hell out and maybe save something for us later. When you weren’t my patient. I went to human resources. I had a disciplinary meeting today. It was all about if Castiel Novak, young genius extraordinaire got to keep his job.”

Dean crossed his arms. “So?”

“I’ve been suspended. Three months. Two and a half, whatever.” He took a deep breath and realized how cold it was outside. “And I can have no contact with you for six months. After which I may resume all of my normal routines including having a personal relationship with you, should you choose to do this.”

“Six months? What? Why?”

“To ensure that you will have no pressure on my part to enter into a relationship with me.”

Dean was silent and stared at him for a moment with hooded eyes. Ruby, who had witnessed everything from the porch, approached Dean with caution. She whispered something in his ear and his shoulders slumped and he looked a little defeated.

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that? I’ve been moping around this house, wondering what the fuck I did wrong when really it was you and your weird identity issues that were all fucked up. ‘If’ I want a personal relationship.” Dean smirked. “Yeah, Cas. Of course I do. But it ain’t gonna work if you just always run off without- What?” Dean stopped mid-sentence as Cas stared at him, dumbfounded.

“You- you can-”

“Tessa said I had some kind of breakthrough. A lot of my speech is back. Close to 85%.” Dean growled.

“Can we talk?” Cas said, feeling somewhat let down at the anticlimactic reaction from Dean.

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” Dean shot back.

“Inside?” Cas asked.

Dean sighed. “Yeah. Yeah of course.” He turned to the house and they trudged inside. They toed off their shoes at the entrance and Cas turned his face up to the sound of Ruby shuffling around upstairs.

“I’m sorry.” Cas said finally. Dean took a seat on the couch and Cas sat down across from him in the chair. “What I did was, it was- callous. I should have given us both a moment so that I might explain-”

“Well, I don’t have plans and it looks like we have a little bit of time.” Dean said and leaned back. “What would you have explained?”

Cas looked down at his hands. Trained hands and a trained mind that he hadn’t got to use in three weeks. “I would explain to you that I am not used to wanting anyone. Being with someone and wanting someone are two distinct products of thought. One is an action and the other- the other is something that is housed deep inside of me. And I’m not used to it, Dean. I’m used to being the one who is needed, the one who is relied upon but this feeling is brand new to me. I want you, Dean Winchester and it terrifies me.” Castiel rubbed his palms together and glanced up at Dean’s steady gaze. “I have almost always been alone. Even with Anna, there was always someone else for her to take care of. And I took care of her. You were correct in saying that I have weird identity issues-”

“Cas-” Dean started.

“No, Dean. Let me finish. I know I do. I have always known it. I’m self aware enough for that. My identity has always been intrinsically and explicitly tied to my intelligence. My mother and father praised me for it. My brothers envied me for it. My classmates resented it. Especially in college. And it’s taken some time for me to figure out that everything that I am isn’t just that. Just like you aren’t your injuries or your terrible parents or your recovery. But unlike you, if my status as a doctor is taken from me, if that one thing is lost-” Cas looked up and met Dean’s gaze forthrightly for the first time. “If that’s lost, Dean, I am nothing.” There was a tremor is his voice that he despised a little bit and Dean looked away, out the window. He swallowed hard and then shook his head.

“That’s not true, Cas. It’s not.” Dean said. He turned back to Cas but caught sight of movement at the door.

“I’m going to go over to Ellen’s for a little bit. She has some stuff she wants me to pick up.” She shifted her overly large purse on her shoulder and looked at Cas for a long moment. “I ought to punch you in the face.” She added thoughtfully but then turned and walked out.

“That is the second member of your family to threaten me with bodily harm. Today.” Cas said.

“Who else threatened you?” Dean asked.

“Sam. I spoke with him earlier. He said that I needed to grow a pair and come talk to you. I just had to-”

“You had to make sure that everything was ok at the hospital.” Dean concluded.

“I had to make sure you were ok.” Castiel corrected. “Before my meeting. I just had to make sure you were ok and this whole thing was worth it.”

“Is it?” Dean asked.

“Yes.” Cas said. “Of course.” Dean sighed and shifted in his seat. “Dean if this isn’t what you want, you have to be clear with me. I made my choice.”

Dean stood and went to the window. An engine started outside and Dean lifted a hand goodbye. Cas watched him and heard Ruby drive away. He was silent for a long time. “You are one weird, messed up little guy.” He finally said.

That stung.

“You are so much more to everyone than your job. Samandriel adores you. You are Balthazar’s best friend. Gabriel protects you like his life depends on it. And I just- Cas.” He huffed. “Even before the accident I didn’t know how to say this stuff.” He glanced down at the clock. It was a little after two in the afternoon on a Thursday. “How long do we have?”

“Midnight, tomorrow.” Cas said.

“I’ll try to find the words before then.” Dean said and hauled Cas to his feet. He cupped his face in his hands. “But until then, I need to stay occupied. Think around it.” He placed a soft kiss on Castiel’s mouth. “Don’t pressure, just let it come to you.”

Castiel returned the kiss easily, slowly. They did not have all the time in the world like they deserved, but this would be enough. It would have to be enough for now. Dean sighed against his mouth and Castiel trembled under his touch. Dean shoved his jacket off and tugged at the tie at his throat. Castiel’s fingers found his way to Dean’s shirt and his bare hip underneath.

“Ah! Cold, cold. Your hands are freezing.” Dean said, not pulling away. He finally got the tie undone and began to work at the buttons, pulling hastily.

“Just tear it. I’ve a dozen more-” Castiel started but that was all the direction Dean needed before he was pulling apart the shirt at the seams and growling into Castiel’s mouth.

“Upstairs. We gotta get to my room.” Dean muttered. He turned and pushed Cas towards the stairs rather roughly. Castiel followed his direction, and stumbled up the stairs, Dean’s fingers on his back already fumbling with the zipper at his pants, biting at his neck and still guiding him towards the bedroom. Cas all but tumbled into the room and Dean pulled him back into him, Castiel’s back to Dean’s front. Dean slid his fingers slowly up Castiel’s stomach and tugged at the edges of his now ruined shirt. It fell to the floor and it only took a slight nudge to rid Cas of his pants as well. He kicked them off and away. Using only his fingertips, Dean turned Cas so that he was facing the open door.

“You forgot to close the door.” Dean whispered, his breath hot against Castiel’s neck. Cas reached out and swung it closed and an instant later, he was pressed up against its smooth surface, the cool door and Dean’s body heat a confusing dichotomy.

Confusing but not un-appealing.

“I can’t think of the word to describe you, Castiel. I touch you,” Dean slid his hands down the front of Castiel’s boxers and gripped him tightly, “And all I can think of is need.” He began to slowly work Castiel with his hand and Cas all but slumped back into Dean who gladly took his weight. “I kiss you,” Dean continued, “And all I can think of is want.”

Dean reached for the table that was next to the door frame and pulled open a drawer. Dean pulled out a bottle of lube and handed it to Cas. Cas fumbled with it, it was so hard to concentrate with Dean using his fingers in such a distracting way, and finally got it open and poured a healthy amount on Dean’s waiting fingers. He felt his way down and in between Castiel’s legs and Castiel spread his legs for Dean and moaned and for once, he didn’t care what he sounded like because Dean had reduced him to this quivering, shattered mess of a man that could no longer think but was just this entity of feeling and wanting and needing and begging and when Dean had him relaxed enough and was two fingers in and he hit that spot that made Cas see stars behind his eyelids-

“Please, Dean. Please.” Castiel finally managed to whisper.

“I don’t want to-”

“You won’t hurt me. I need you.” Cas ground out when Dean brushed his prostate once more. He heard Dean sigh but then heard also him undo his belt and then he was right there, nudging at Castiel’s hole and gasping out tight little whimpers that could have been Castiel’s name but Cas was far past comprehension. Cas kept his hands pressed up against the door and then Dean’s hands were there, over his hands and they both just knew. This was it. This was the beginning and the end and this was not over.

Not yet.

Not by a long shot.

 

~*~

 

They stayed in bed all that day. Dean rolled over once to make two phone calls.

“Hey, Sam. Dont-”

“Oh she did? Well, Ruby is a smart lady. All right. Tell Ellen and Jo I love them.”

“Hi, yeah, can I order two large pizzas please?”

 

~*~

 

It was a little over twenty four hours he had with Dean but Castiel did all the things he had denied himself. He traced the constellation of his freckles across his back, he pulled himself close to Dean, nuzzled his neck with a cold nose and laughed when Dean tried to pull a shirt and pants on to answer the door for pizza.

They sat underneath the warm shower, Cas tucked in between Dean’s legs, holding out Dean’s hand and labeling all the bones there and kissing each one gently. They wasted all the warm water but not before Dean washed every single part of Cas but that was after he took him in his mouth and had Cas seeing stars for the third time that night. Cas got to trace the scar that was left behind from surgery on Dean’s shoulder and licked into the valley of Dean’s collarbone. He whispered praise and worship into Dean’s ear while he rocked slowly inside of him and he didn’t know if the tears that spilled from Dean’s closed eyes were from what he said or how he said it.

“I’ll never not tell you that you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever been graced to see.”

“The shit you say, Dr. Novak.” Dean replied, sleepy warm underneath the blankets, his hair a mess.

“It’s the truth.” Cas replied. He looked over at the clock.

11:47 PM

“Don’t-” Dean started. The words stuck, though, and he felt panic bloom in his chest. This hadn’t happened in weeks.

“I have to.” Cas said. He pulled Dean in and tasted him once more.

“Don’t go.” Dean begged.

“I’ll be back.” Cas promised. “Right here, in your bed. Or your shower.” Cas smiled. “But I need this. I need my job. I need you to figure out if this is what you want. Really want.”

“You,” Dean cleared his throat and he would never admit to the tears that were gathering behind his eyes or the lump forming in his throat. “Are all I want.”

“Then, in six months, I’ll be right back here with you.” Cas slid out of bed and began to pick up the tatters of his shirt. He sighed and turned to the closet. “I am going to take one of yours.”

“Give me something of yours.” Dean asked softly.

Cas cosidered for a long moment. Finally, he began to undo the soft leather band at his wrist. Anna had given to him after she had returned home from Ireland and in it was a deep engraving. Four circles encircled by one larger one. “It’s the Celtic symbol for healing.” Cas said and slipped the bracelet over Dean’s wrist and tied it securely.

“I’ll give it back.” Dean promised. Cas knelt against his legs and kissed him once more. Dean whimpered and held him there pressed against his lip for a moment longer.

Dean looked over at the clock.

11:58.

“Cas.” He whispered.

“Six months, not that big of a deal. I’ll be here, ok?”

“Ok.” Dean whispered. He watched while Cas slipped a Led Zeppelin shirt over his head and then stood for a moment.

“I’ll see you soon.” Cas promised.

And then he was gone.  


	8. Days Spent and Days Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things that are spent and there are other things that are lost.

_Day 1_

Castiel did not get out of bed.

 

_Day 3_

Dean finally returned to work.

 

_Day 5_

Castiel finished _Pushing Daisies_ and began to watch _Game of Thrones_. He turned it off after watching the Kingslayer push a little boy to his supposed doom.

 

_Day 9_

Dean finally finished catching up on all the billing and the paperwork that had to be done at the garage. Bobby was clearing himself a neat little profit and Jo’s college fund was practically secured for the next two years. His own paycheck had grown along with everyone else’s. It seemed like the story had gotten around about Dean surviving a nearly deadly accident because he was in a truck that he had repaired himself. Business was booming.

Dean missed Cas.

 

_Day 12_

Castiel picked through all the sitcoms he had watched. He hadn’t liked much of what he had seen and had taken up watching all the old movies he used to watch with his mom. _Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, Sabrina_ and _Funny Girl_. He missed her terribly. He missed Anna even more. He wished he could hear his father’s gruff voice once more, telling him he had done the right thing, made the right choice.

Cas missed Dean.

 

_Day 15_

Dean went down to the local bar and grill. He walked in alone and plunked down at his usual table. He flipped through a car magazine he had brought with him underneath the ruse that he was looking for parts for his Impala. He wasn’t. He just needed to get out of the office where everyone had been watching him like hawk. A young lady came and sat across from him.

“Don’t see you here often.” She said and batted her eyelashes. Her eyes were blue, a startling bright blue but it was all wrong.

Dean smiled gently. “I’m taken.”

“All the good ones are.” She huffed. She stood and left his table without another word.

 

_Day 19_

Cas made his way through the gravestones to his mother and father’s plot. He made the sign of the cross out of habit, he was no more Catholic than Gabriel was a demigod. He sat on the small stone fence that surrounded their plots.

“Hey guys.” He said softly. “I think I got lost.” He started before stopping and wiping at his face hard. “I think I got lost and I don’t know my way back anymore. It’s like when dad had a weekend that was too long and he got antsy. This is the weekend that will not end.” He sighed and looked at their gravestones. “But I think I can find my way back.”

He shuffled down a few rows to find Anna’s plot. Again, he made the sign of the cross, but here he laid buttercups down.

“I think you would like him, Anna.” He said. “He’s funny. And he’s smart in this really practical way that will sometimes knock you off your feet. And he’s beautiful, Anna. I want to tell him for the rest of his life how beautiful he is.”

Cas stayed for a moment longer before saying, “I have to go now. I have to find something to do before I start offering free neurosurgery in the alley behind that bookstore on second street. But I’ll be back. Maybe with Dean next time.”  

 

_Day 24_

“How many days are there in six months, Dean?”

“One hundred and eighty three.”

“What day are you on?”

“Twenty four.”

“What day am I due on?”

“One hundred and seventy nine.”

“You’ll make it.”

 

_Day 27_

“How many days are there in six months, Cassie?”

“One hundred and eighty three.”

“What day are you on?”

“Twenty seven.”

“What day do you go back to work?”

“Seventy five.”

“You need to find something to do until then. There is only so much Netflix.”

 

_Day 31_

Dean didn’t sleep as well. He would read a book or watch a movie and want to ask Castiel what he thought of something. Occasionally, he wanted to know if a show or movie was medically accurate but that wasn’t right either. He just wanted to hear his voice once more and know that he was ok. Know that he wasn’t sinking too far into that deep, dark well he had caught glimpses of. Something was dark within Cas; it took someone who knew a loss like Castiel’s to understand that. And while Dean’s loss wasn’t permanent, he could go find his parents, mend those fences, go one with his life, he knew there was a certain hurt and betrayal there that could not be altered with soothing words of love.

And sometimes that’s not what Dean wanted. What he wanted, what he really wanted that he never even told Sam about, and he told Sam everything, was to hurt his parents in the same way that they had hurt him. He wanted to walk out on his mother. He wanted to leave bruises on his dad’s body like his dad had done to Dean. He wanted to abandon them in some vicious, fundamental way that he didn’t know the human language could conceptualize so much, that it mounted under his chest, made his throat stick, his head swim-

And then he sat back and watched Sam and Ruby. He made himself see that some sacrifices were worth it. Now he could add Castiel to that list too. He hoped that one day he could see Cas and Sam and Ruby and everyone else around the table once more, and realize,  yeah. His childhood was shitty. Supremely shitty. But if that sacrifice is what he had to make to have what he had now, he would make peace with that. He would have his small amount of revenge, his peaceful life, Sam’s undoubtedly big and beautiful children, a thriving business, his family’s health and maybe a healthy serving of Castiel on the side and, yeah. He would be ok.

He could make it.

 

_Day 42_

Castiel liked the soup kitchen.

He liked being in the back, making the soup, warming it and carefully carrying it out to the front. He liked seeing the small smiles of relief on people’s faces when he remembered the roll and didn’t forget like some people who were serving court ordered time.

He liked to watch the people sometimes too. He would go out of his way to serve the single mother just a little bit extra because he knew that without fail, she would only eat half of her bowl and a fraction of her bread, claim she was stuffed and push the bowl to her daughter. Her daughter would wolf the food down and stare miserably because seconds were not allowed in this place.

He especially liked being useful in a way he hadn’t thought he could be. It gave him a measure of peace to help people but also lit a fire as well. There were inequalities here that gave him a certain amount of rage that, frankly, worried his brothers. It was only quieted when the other three agreed to donate time as well as money to his small crusade and they would watch with equal parts affection and curiosity as he shuffled off.

“Our brother…” Samandriel said, his controller still hanging from his hand after hearing Castiel’s latest tirade.

“Is growing, day by day.” Gabe finished for him.

The next day, when Castiel’s favorite mother and daughter duo came in,  he couldn’t help but notice the little girl limping. She limped from the door to the line and leaned heavily on her mother. Cas whispered to the small woman next to him, Becky her name was, to step in for him and he followed the mother and daughter to the end of line where he picked up the daughter’s plate and helped her to a table.

“Is your foot bothering you?” Castiel asked in a low voice to the girl. The girl hesitated, warned about men by her mother no doubt, before nodding.

“Do you know what it is?” Cas asked again.

“I had a blister.” She whispered. “But it might be infected now.”

“What’s your name?” He asked.

“Krissy.” She said softly, asking her mother that wordless consent again. Cas turned to her mother.

“I’m a doctor.” Cas said. “If, after your meal, you would like me to look at Krissy’s foot, I would be happy to.”

The woman was speechless after a moment before remembering what had been asked of her. “Yes, please.” She paused for a moment, “I don’t have any money-”

Cas quirked a smile at her. “Do you think I do this for the pay? Come find me after you are done with your meal and we will see what we can do.” The woman nodded and encouraged her daughter to eat. Cas left them and signalled to Becky he needed five more minutes. She nodded in return.

Out in the parking lot, Cas dialed Sam.

“Sam Winchester.” He answered smoothly.

“Sam, it’s Castiel. I need your help. How much is your retainer?”

“Usually a flat rate fee of three thousand, Cas I can’t be talking to you-”

“This has nothing to do with Dean. I can pay you the retainer, but I need your advice right now.”

There was a small hesitation. “What is it?”

“My license was not revoked but I am not allowed near the hospital. May I still treat someone if they are in need of help?”

There was a shuffle of papers and he heard a click and worried for a moment that Sam might have hung up on him. “You’re on speaker. And yes, I don’t see a conflict of interest as long as you are aware of the risks.”

“Naturally.”

Sam sighed and there was another shuffle of paper. “What’s going on, Cas?” He asked.

Castiel relayed his story quickly. “I can help her, Sam.”

“Do it.”

 

_Day 53_

Dean was not unaware of the limitations he had yet to overcome. Yes, his speech was mostly back. He was able to get back underneath the hood of a vehicle (finally) and still ran all the numbers for Bobby. He began to return to his life, bit by bit, and welcomed each little part back. His shop grew and Bobby began to take a more silent role in the running of the shop, often leaving decisions up to Dean.

So when a high school teacher dropped by with an interesting proposition for the shop, Bobby scoffed and called Dean on the phone in the shop.

“Boy, you need to get your ass in here right now.” Bobby said. There was an edge of amusement to his tone so Dean figured no one was in trouble and made his way up to the office. There, with Bobby, was another man that Dean would have deemed attractive before he met Cas.

“Dean, this Mr. Lafitte. He runs the shop down at the alternative high school.” Mr. Lafitte stood and offered his hand to Dean.

“I’m covered in oil.” Dean said, raising his hands as proof.

Mr. Lafitte nodded. “Fair enough.”

Dean took a seat next to Bobby in a hard back plastic chair that he figured he couldn’t get too dirty with his work clothes. “Bobby tells me you have a proposition for us?”

Mr. Lafitte looked between the two men. “Ah, yeah. See, I run the shop class down at the alternative high school. Lot of rough kids, some of them parents, some of them runaways, some of them seen the better side of a needle. And I wanted to know if you or Mr. Singer here would be willing to come in and speak to them.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and looked over at Bobby and couldn’t help but scoff. “I’m sorry, Mr. Lafitte-”

“Benny, please. I can barely stand the kids calling me that.”

“All right, Benny. I’m not sure you know but I got my GED when I was sixteen. I never graduated high school. My parents left me and my little brother-”

“A Stanford educated lawyer with his own thriving practice downtown. That little brother?” Benny asked, shifting through a newspaper article that had been written up about Dean after his accident. It detailed his life and his accomplishments.

“Well, yeah-”

“So at sixteen, you got your General Education Degree, raised a kid, helped him put himself through school, worked for this guy over here and eventually helped his girlfriend out as well, who is an absolute terror in the court room?”

“I, uh-” Dean felt the panic bloom in his chest and he heard Castiel’s voice, Breathe. In and out.

“And not only that,” Bobby picked up, “He began taking over the business at eighteen, little by little, remodeled his old house and did an apprenticeship with yours truly over the course three years, a year shorter than usual because he caught up with this shit so quickly.”

“Well, uh-” Dean tried to intervene.

“And then after your newsmaking accident earlier this year, you managed to pick things up right after you left off months before anyone thought you could in practically mint condition.”

Dean sighed. “All I have to do is talk to them?”

 

_Day 54_

“Cassie, are you sure about this?” Balthazar asked, tucking supplies into their father’s bag.

“Yes.” Castiel replied, chewing on his lower lip and making sure everything they needed was there. “It’s just the most basic of all care, Balthazar. These people do not have access to some of the most necessary supplies and while I am a genius, my speciality lies within the brain. Your experience and thereby your skills are what is really needed.”

“Are you trying to overcompensate for something?” Balthazar asked, tucking his scarf into his jacket and frowning at his brother.

“Oh, for god’s sake, Balthazar, not everything is about the size of a man’s-”

“Not that. But ever since the whole thing with Winchester, you seem to be in a bit of a manic state.”

Cas paused and looked over at his brother. “I’m not sure what you are implying.”

“I’m not implying anything. I’m asking my brother if he is ok. Are you ok?” Balthazar asked, snapping the bag closed.

Castiel thought about that last night he was with Dean, what it felt like, the pure and even calm that had settled deep in his chest and he wondered for a moment if he was all right. He was lonely and irritable but that was due to boredom more than anything. “I’m fine.” Castiel caught the look on Balthazar’s face. “I’m managing. I’ll make it and when that happens, we’ll figure out what to do from there.”

“And if Winchester does not want to continue on in a relationship?”

“I will not infringe on someone else’s decision. I might move out, go to Haiti, live in a hut on the beach and practice medicine there,” Castiel sighed and rubbed his forehead, “But if that’s what he has decided, I can live with it.”

“You have given up almost everything-”

“Almost. And it’s only temporary. Why do you hate him so much?”   

“I don’t hate him. I hate watching you suffer. After our sister-” Balthazar blinked and looked away. Anna’s passing was hard on them all and Castiel did not let go of the memories of Anna admiring Balthazar dance around the kitchen before catching her up in his arms and the two of them singing opera, badly, and dancing. “After Anna passed, I don’t, I can’t see that happen again. You’ve regained your footing and I only worry that-”

Castiel place a hand on Balthazar’s arm. “I’m fine. I will be fine. Us Novaks, it’s hard to keep us down for very long.”

 

_Day 58_

Dean signed into the office and showed his ID. He was given a visitor’s pass and a small boy was assigned to help him find the shop class. He wondered if he overdressed in his waistcoat and tie and wished, once more, that Cas had been there to pick out what he should wear. Castiel was never under or overdressed and Dean could never-

“Here you go.” The small kid said and gestured to a door at the end of the hallway. From inside he could hear shouts and tools being tossed into their appropriate place and he swallowed back the fear and called Castiel’s voice to the front of his mind once more.

No need to panic. Just breathe. In. And out. You’ll do great, Dean.

Dean opened the door and slipped in. The students were rearranging desks around a beat up 1977 SS Chevelle. The thing was beat to shit and Dean winced when he saw it. Some of the students noticed him slipping in and whispered to each other and he nodded to Benny who was near the car. He made his way over to him and with a wordless nod, slipped his hand under the hood and lifted it.

What he saw underneath made him want to cry. It would have been less expensive to buy a new engine and drop the damn thing in-

“It’s just a teaching tool, Dean. No need to get all teary.” Benny said mockingly.

“This is enough to make a grown man weep.” Dean admitted. Benny laughed and agreed.

“We have the rest of the school year. Come on. Let’s meet the kids.” He said.

Dean turned and was surprised to find himself nearly surrounded by teenagers. They stared at him, curiosity evident in their eyes.  

“They said you almost died.” One of the boys said, his dark hair dropping in his eyes.

“They are right.” Dean said.

“They said you were in a coma.” Another piped up in the back, blonde hair spiky enough to impale something on.

“Again, they are right.” Dean nodded. He knew that this question and answer process would have to pass before they would get much further.

“They said that you couldn’t speak.” One girl wearing a cardigan and neatly pressed slacks and heels said.

“They are… kind of right.” Dean hedged. He had forgotten how forthright teenagers could be with their words. He rubbed a hand across his left shoulder where the scar still tugged at him sometimes. It was quickly becoming a habit.

“They said that the brother you mostly raised went to Stanford, became this bad ass lawyer and met this bad ass chick who was also a lawyer and now they are tearing the city a new one for the lack of line of sight where you got hit.” A young black kid with a backwards hat on said. He popped a piece of gum in his mouth and offered a piece to Dean.

“My brother met his girlfriend before they went to law school. I just gave them a place to stay. But mostly right, again.” Dean said. He took the proffered gum. He could feel himself relax.The boy met his eyes.

“That’s tight.” The young man said. The others looked at him as he weighed Dean with his eyes. Clearly he was the leader here. “I can respect that, man. Got a little brother myself. Dad took off. Mom-” The young man dropped his eyes and cut himself off mid-sentence. Dean knew how that sentence. Maybe not all the little details, but he knew what it was like.

“I get it.” Dean said, clapping him on the shoulder.

The young man looked up again. “Yeah, you do.”

 

_Day 63_

The people at the soup kitchen had quietly spread the word about Castiel and his brothers. Older veterans who had trouble with their joints came in on Tuesday to see Samandriel. People with general maladies came in on Wednesday to Balthazar. People, but mostly children, came in on Thursdays to see Gabriel. He began to lollipops in bulk and for once, not for himself. Kali would drop in with him when she could spare the time. Every other day they would patiently wait at a table that had been wordlessly reserved for those needing to see Cas. They would all be served a meal and after Castiel was done serving and cleaning, he would gently take each one back to a spare office and with Missouri or sometimes Lisa Braeden from the ER at his side, talk with some of the people about how they were feeling and what they could do about it.

And for the first time in a very, very long time, Cas began to fill the dark hole that had been left by Anna’s sudden passing. He got down to the core of what he felt he had been missing as a surgeon. He missed the interaction with the patients and their concern. He missed their questions. He missed people.

His father had been religious and had felt that it was his duty to help those that he could. In doing so, in learning how to do that and teaching his children the valuable lesson of being useful, he had instilled in them the need to help in any way they could.

And so, the brothers Novak slowly took over the soup kitchen, packing away hours that had not been seen or heard of since any of them had been interns.

It helped pass the time for Castiel until he could hear from Dean once more. Until he could tell Dean how he papered his home office in pictures colored by his youngest patients and pictures that were given to him of people, healthy and hale now. He wanted to show them to him and he almost, almost reached for the phone when one younger mother apologized profusely for being late to an appointment. Her car had broken down. Instead, he scrolled past Dean’s name and punched in Sam’s. He explained the situation and Jo was there twenty minutes later with tools. She waved at Cas but immediately got to work. The car was up and running by the time the young mother’s appointment was over.

Cas was grateful for the help. Not only from Jo but from his brothers. There were times, usually late at night that he had to remember that.

He was grateful for so much.

 

_Day 72_

Dean sighed and glared at the sun that was beating down on him. It had seemed like a good idea to work outside. The sun was finally coming out after what felt like the longest winter of his life and it was warm enough to work in a tshirt. Now, he regretted the decision. He could feel a sunburn starting on the back of his neck and knew that he would have a fresh spread of freckles across his shoulders the following week.

He followed Sam’s new truck up the drive and watched as he stepped out and practically ran around the other side to help Ruby. She indulged him; Dean knew as well as everyone else that Ruby could do it on her own. But sometime in the last few months, Sam had become a nervous mother hen and wanted to do everything for her. She permitted him as much as she possibly could but Dean knew that she snapped at him sometimes.

There was no mistaking that utter look of adoration that she shot at Sam more often than not though. Dean felt a twinge of longing? jealous? misery? Everytime he saw them together.

It wasn’t just Ruby and Sam. Having lost the ability to shoot his mouth off at will made him observe his surroundings more. He couldn’t help but notice Ash and Jo. Jo often lingered by Ash’s side even after their conversations about the current project ended. Ash sat by Jo every chance he got when they had lunch together. It was an odd pairing to be sure; Jo was a classic beauty that was more knowledgeable about cars that ninety percent of the population. Ash looked like a garage rat that hid a type of genius that had him at ease in front of almost everyone. The only time he had seemed stumped was talking to Cas about partial differential equations. He snorted when he thought about Bobby and Ellen hearing about the pairing. He did not envy Ash that job.

“Dean!” He heard Bobby call. He turned and shielded his eyes and saw two people walking towards him. It was two of the kids from the class he had helped out with Benny. David, the unofficial leader of the class and Mandy, the young girl who was always impeccably dressed in slacks and heels. Even now, picking her way across the dusty and gravel filled yard, she wore high heels, even though she kept stumbling over the small rocks getting caught in her heels. David offered his arm to her which she readily took and Dean started towards them as well. David looked over at Mandy and asked her something but she hesitated before answering. Finally she did, looking at him curiously and he threw back his head and laughed. He picked her up easily and continued his way to Dean. He obviously didn’t care about his work boots or the worn jeans he had on.            

“Hey, guys.” Dean said easily. He smiled at both of them. “Let’s get inside. It’s too hot out here.”

He gestured to the office and nodded over to Ash. “Hey, Ash can you finish that one up for me? I got a couple of visitors.”

Ash nodded, turned up the music and started the car up to move it into the garage. Mandy and David followed him into the front office. The counter had a could of stools for them to sit down on and Dean went behind the counter.

“What can I help you two with? Can’t get enough of Mr. Laffite’s classwork?” Dean asked.

“Kind of.” David admitted. “School ended last Friday and well…” He suddenly looked shy and glanced at Mandy.

She smirked at him before picking up the conversation. “We were talking to Mr. Lafitte. David’s parents aren’t, uh, around much so a lot of the responsibility of taking care of his little brother falls on him. My parents aren’t around, like, ever so a lot of the responsibility of keeping myself alive and fed falls to me so-”

Dean held up a hand. “Whoa, whoa. Your parent’s aren’t around?” He asked Mandy.

“Dad is a long distance truck driver and the last time I saw mom, she was driving away on the back of some Harley six years ago.”

“My mom is gone.” David said suddenly.

“What do you mean, gone?” Dean asked.

“I mean, she’s just gone. The rent is paid forward three months, I’ve got my little brother all taken care of for the summer in some camp she signed him up for and paid for but, man, three months isn’t long.”

“Mr. Winchester-” Mandy started and then looked over at David, “Mr. Winchester, we need jobs.”

Dean rubbed his chin. “I bet you guys do. Did Bobby just send you down here?”

“The nice gentleman at the front in the baseball cap? Yes.”

“Nice? Gentleman?” Jo scoffed as she came in. She was literally covered in grease and Dean scoffed himself at the sight of her.

“Shut it, Winchester or you’ll be doing coveralls till mom gets tired.” She threatened as she shed hers and stuffed it in the large bin they used for dirty clothes and rags. She nodded to the other two as she grabbed another pair of overalls and headed back to the door.

“Who’s that?” Mandy asked and Dean couldn’t help but notice the admiration in her voice. Mandy wasn’t the type he would peg to be in a down and dirty class like auto shop, but the girl was brilliant with detail work. And anything that you were willing to teach David, he would learn.

“That’s Jo. The scrappy old guy at the front is our dad.”

“She’s your sister?” David asked.

“Yeah.” Dean watched as Sam pulled in in his shiny new SUV that made Dean roll his eyes every time he saw it. “And that huge moose creature is my brother, Sam. He’s a lawyer.” Dean said, cocking his eyebrow at both kids.

“We’re eighteen.” They both said at the same time as Sam entered the office. He turned almost immediately on his heel.

“Sam!” Dean bellowed after him.

“Whatever conversation I walked in on, I have to report if these two are younger than eighteen and there are illegal activities going on.” Sam said, his hands clamped over his ears.

“They just said they were eighteen and nothing is illegal.” Dean said and rolled his eyes.

“IDs.” Sam demanded.

Both produced their IDs and Sam eyed them warily for a moment. “What’s going on?” He asked warily. They filled him, somewhat hesitantly. They didn’t know or trust him as much as they did Dean and frankly, weren’t sure that he would be on their side. After their stories, Sam sighed.

“I should call the authorities.” He admitted. “There is a minor involved here.”

“Hey, Sam. Remember that time dad left us and even though we were fine, one of your teachers called it in and you were put in foster care for a week before Ellen could get you out and you came back with a black eye and three broken fingers? Remember that?” Dean asked.

Sam’s face darkened at the thought. “Fine, but if I get disbarred, it’s your fault.”

“Plausible deniability, little brother.” Dean turned back to the other two. He raised a finger. “Not that you have the job. I have seen what the both of you can do and yeah, I’m impressed. But, Mandy, we have a detailer. Garth is good at what he does and has years of experience here.”

“Fine. Give me the front office.” Mandy said with a shrug.

“What?” Dean asked.

“You prefer the cars. Bobby prefers his Spanish soap operas. Who else is going to take the front? And I’m more familiar with computers than probably anyone in the shop.” Mandy said. “You were complaining about the parts being ordered late and billing being all screwed up. Give me a week and it’ll be smooth sailing.” She said.

Dean looked at her curiously and then turned to David. “We don’t have an apprenticeship program or anything like that set up-”

“Come on, man. You can see what I can do. Anything you need, you know I can handle it.” David said.

Dean hesitated. He knew that David was more than competent and with Ruby being due soon, he might need someone to take up the slack. Sam had already shared with him that he was going to need him more than he expected.

“It’s going to be long hours. I’m not going to take it easy on you either. Until your brother comes back from his summer camp, we are going to work you.” Dean said.

“I’m not afraid of a little dirt.” David grinned.

Dean eyed him for a moment, “Fine. But only on one condition.”

“What’s that?” David asked.

“You enroll in the community college. We’ll work around it come fall.”

David hesitated for a moment but nodded.

“Looks like we got ourselves a deal.” Dean said. He turned to Mandy. “You aren’t off the hook either. I know you want to own your own shop and do your own thing as well. Same deal. You take classes, we’ll work around your schedule.”

She hesitated but in the end agreed.

“Dean,” Sam said and then stopped. He rubbed his face with one hand. “You can’t be taking in every kid you meet just because they remind you of me and you when we were growing up.”

Dean snorted. “Watch me.”

Sam sighed and leaned his head back. “Fuck. We’re going to have to clean out the apartment, aren’t we?”

Dean remembered the dusty old attic that he and Sam lived in above Bobby’s garage while he remodeled the house. “Yeah, I think so. David thinks three months is a lifetime, but it’s going to be up before he realizes.”

 

_Day 75_

Cas got up early and went for a run. He ran through the woods behind the house and only paused at the old treehouse his father had built for him and Anna.

“You’re my best friend, Castiel.” Anna whispered to him. They were laying in the dark and watching the trees pass by the open window.

“I thought Meg Masters was your best friend.” Cas murmured back.

“We’re close but she’ll never understand our family like you do. You and me, it’s a two for one deal. We’ll always be friends, right Cas?”

“Of course, Anna.”

The boards were rotted almost all the way through and the stairs leading up to the small house were all but gone. Anna had cried through her first heartbreak there, Cas had come out to Anna there first, Anna had confessed when she first kissed a boy and so did Cas. It was a small place, but all their own. For some reason, Gabe and Balthazar respected their need for their own space. Castiel thought that it was by threat of their mother.

He returned home and showered, combed his hair and put on his first suit and tie in almost three months. It felt strange to slip back behind that professional mask and for a brief second he was worried about how his colleagues were going to react to his return. It must have shown on his face because Gabe was there in the mirror, smirking.

“You’ll knock em dead, kid. Just like you always do.”

“You just want me to return to relieve you of some of your workload.”

Gabe grinned but did not deny his accusation. Balthazar stumbled in from his room, smiled at Cas and Gabe and wished him luck. Gabe drove that morning and when they arrived, Castiel sucked in a deep breath before entering the building. He straightened his shoulders and when he walked on to his floor, Missouri smiled at him. “Coffee is in the break room, Dr. Novak.”

“Thank you, Missouri.”

“Dr. Novak, we have a woman in room 1713. Reports of possible cluster headaches.” Lisa told him. “She is ready to be seen as soon as you are ready.”

“Five minutes. Is she sedated?”

“Sedated but alert, doctor.”

In his office, he found a glossy white box with a carrot cupcake in it. Welcome back. Love, Samandriel.

His day was off to a good start.

 

_Day 92_

It was sweltering. No matter how many fans were on, it could not make up for the fact that the AC was broken. Garth, Ash and Dean all moved at a sluggish pace, stuck only to minor tune ups and put everything else on the back burner. David hung out close to Dean, waiting for any further instructions. Dean had nothing, as he didn’t even want to do anything himself. David folded the towels idly while he waited.

David sighed.

Dean sighed.

Garth huffed.

It was just too fucking hot.

Jo had her hair up in a bun and wore the shortest shorts that she could get away while working in her father’s garage and a tank top. She fiddled with an oil change, taking her time about it. Ash watched her from the other side of the garage, mouth half open.

“If you stare any harder, I’m gonna go get Bobby.” Dean threatened.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Ash said, never taking his eyes off of her.

“Look, you are one of my closest friends. She’s my sister. But I swear to everything that I hold sacred and holy that if you do not ask her out-”

“We’ve been dating for about four months, Dean.” Jo called out idly. “And while I do appreciate a good big brother speech and a nice threatening attitude, I’m a big girl and can take care of myself. Besides, everyone here knows I can kick your ass from here to next Tuesday.” Mandy high fived Jo as she passed out half frozen lemonade that she kept stocked in the front freezer. Usually she kept it for the bored kids that come in with their parents but she took pity on the mechanics today. Mandy handed both Dean and David a frozen lemonade and Dean thought about swallowing his whole.

“I think I want to marry her.” Ash said softly. Mandy and Dean both raised their eyebrows but said nothing.

David smiled and raised his phone to take a picture of Ash’s astonished face.

“She is the most amazing person I have ever met.” He said.

“Put up or shut up, darling.” Jo called out.

Mandy and Dean stared at each other and blinked owlishly. They turned first to Jo and then to Ash. Garth smiled.

“There you have it, folks.” Mandy said and left the five of them in the sweltering building.

 

_Day 103_

“What do you do on your nights off?” Samandriel asked.

“I don’t know.” Castiel admitted. “I’ve been running myself ragged, trying to make the time go by quicker that I don’t really have nights off. I just have nights when I come home exhausted.”

There was a bowl of popcorn between them and the Hobbit in the DVD player. “I think this will be a good start.”

 

_Day 117_

“Dean you have to.”

“Why is it, Sam gets you pregnant and I have to do all the grunt work?”

“Because I can’t get one of you without the other!”

“You never really tried.”

“It would have been pointless to try. Dean, just pick a damn color.”

“Fine but if you hate it, I’m not painting the damn room again.”

“Fine!”

“Yellow with green accents.”

“God, you have horrible taste.”   

 

_Day 129_

Castiel could not help but feel like he was falling head long into something he was not prepared for. He worked at the soup kitchen, worked at hospital but there were times when he would simply stop and remind himself to breathe. That he was preparing for war and most of the hard part was behind him.

He mentally prepared himself everyday for the possibility that Dean might not want him.

 

_Day 145_

“Dean-”

“I’m not going, Sam. This is where I draw the line.”

“Please, she wants you to be there.”

“You are her significant other! You be there!”

“Yeah but you have been here every single time I couldn’t.”

“She loves you!”

“She loves you too, you idiot. And this is your niece. Come on, man. You have to save me from this.”

“I would say you owe me your first born, but at this point, it’s kind of a moot point.”

“So you’ll be there?”

“Yes, I will be at the shower.”

Sam pumped his fist in the air and left his brother’s room.

 

_Day 163_

“All right, doc.” The man said bravely. “Give it to me straight.”

“You have a headache.” Castiel said gravely.

The man looked at him and then over at Lisa. “Are you serious? My entire face hurts.”

“That is one sympton a headache. Rare, that is to be mentioned, but yes, it does happen.”

“So what do I do?”

Castiel wrote a prescription for extra strength ibuprofen. “Take two of these and if you have anymore symptoms, contact me straightaway.”

“Did you seriously just tell me, take two of these and call me in the morning?” The man asked.

“Sometimes the best remedies are those that have been passed down.” Cas gave the man a slight smile.

The man smirked. “I was convinced it was a toothache.”

 

_Day 180_

_4:30 PM_

“They had a cat.”

“They did not have a cat. She told me they don’t own any animals.”

“Ruby, the only thing in this world I am allergic to is cats and I’m ready to go home and down a bottle of Benedryl.”

“You and Sam still have the crib and bassinet to put together.”

“As a man in love with another man, I never thought I would have to hear the words ‘put the crib and bassinet together’.”

At this Ruby finally hesitated in unpacking all the things from the bags her and Dean had brought in from the Impala. She turned to him.

“You love him?”

“There is no other reason I would be waiting six months for the dude.”

Ruby smiled. “Do you think you can haul the rest of this upstairs? I’m kind of exhausted.”

Dean looked at her closely. “Yeah, go ahead. Call me if you need anything.”

Ruby turned and made her way to the stairs slowly. She had been more tired lately and had developed a fever a few days earlier.

“Ruby, you would tell us if you were sick, right?”

“Like I could get away with it with you two.” She said. She put her hand on her belly. “She likes to hear you talk. She kicks every time she hears you but rolls every time she hears Sam. Is that funny or what?”

“It’s remarkable.” Dean said thoughtfully.  

 

_Day 180_

_7:32 PM_

“You got her pregnant. You wake her up.”

“I almost lost an eye when I woke her up last time.”

“I almost lost the ability to have sex.”

“Fine. But if my baby girl grows up without parents because one was murdered by the other, it’s on your head Dean.”

“I can live with that.”

Sam headed upstairs, to the dreaded task of waking Ruby up from her beloved naps. Dean sliced the garlc bread and pulled out a red wine from the fridge and frowned at the label. The bottle was cool and green against his hand and it made him think of the bayous of Louisiana when he used to visit. He wondered if Cas would ever want to go there and see the swamps and pass a few lazy days in the bed and breakfast that Dean had stayed at-

“Dean!” He heard Sam scream from upstairs.

The bottle broke when it fell from Dean’s hands.

 

_Day 180_

_7:47 PM_

“You done for the day, Dr. Novak?” Lisa asked politely while Cas scribbled some notes on a chart.

“Just about. Kali prepared dinner, so I am looking forward to a nice night in. What about you, Lisa?”

“Ben is having some of his friends spend the night. It should be loud and unruly.” Lisa checked the calendar. “Almost there, yeah?”

Cas smiled. “Three more days.”

Lisa shared his smile and answered a ringing phone at her elbow. “Nuerology, this is Nurse Braeden.” She paused and raised her eyebrows. “Sure, Dr. Novak. He’s right here, hold on.”

Lisa passed the phone over to Castiel.

“Hey Balthazar.” He answered breezily.

“Cassy, I know you were about to leave but could you come down for a consult. I have a pregnant woman coming in via ambulance, seizing.” He sounded harried. Castiel had heard it was a busy night downstairs.

“I’ll be right there.” Castiel replied before handing the phone back to Lisa. “My night might be as restful as yours.” He told her.

He headed toward the elevators at a brisk pace. He was not aware of when the ambulance might arrive and would like to be there in time for anything that Balthazar might need.

He arrived just as the ambulance screeched to a halt outside the emergency doors.

“Chart?” He asked a nurse. She handed it over and he almost dropped it. Balthazar frowned at him.

“What is your problem?” He snapped.

“Ruby.” Castiel breathed. They brought her out of the ambulance just as she began to seize again and Castiel turned to the nurse. “Get Dr. Bradbury down here now.”

“Castiel!” Sam called out.

“Gynecology, room 3.” Balthazar said, pointing to the back. Cas caught Sam’s wrist. “Come with us.” He ordered. The nurse in charge of admitting was pushed away. “He’s family.” Cas said. “We’ll fill it out later.”

Sam stumbled after Cas and when he walked in, Ruby settled back down on the table.

“BP is 160/100.” Missouri called out.

Balthazar and Castiel both breathed out at the same time and she began to seize again.

“Does she have a history of seizures?”

“No.” Sam said, wiping at his face.

“Hypertension?” Balthazar asked.

“Uh, no. Not at all.” Sam shook his head.

Charlie Bradbury burst into the room right then. Missouri was drawing blood and handing them off to another nurse while Balthazar gently fit an oxygen mask over her face.

“Sam.” She said gently before pushing him out of the way.

“Preeclampsia?” Castiel asked of Dr. Bradbury.

“She wasn’t presenting as such.”

“Her BP-” Balthazar said.

“Was normal. Almost below-” She stopped and looked at the other two doctors. Preeclampsia sometimes presented as low blood pressure before it skyrocketed. “Fuck.” She said. She turned to Sam. “We have to deliver. Now. She was due yesterday. Baby will be fine, but the risk to her-”

“Cas?” Sam asked, reaching out a blind hand for his friend. Cas stepped into his hand and Sam clamped down on his shoulder.

“Sam, listen to her.” Cas urged gently.

“What is the risk to Ruby?” Sam prodded. His breath was hitching and he couldn’t remember the last thing it was that he had said to her.

“If we do not deliver right away she might fall into a coma. She might die.”

“Do it.” Sam whispered.

All three doctors turned to the door when Dean burst in. He met everyone’s eyes and Sam caught him around the waist. “You can’t be in here.”

“What-”

“I’ll tell you outside.”

Cas met Dean’s eyes for only a second. Dean saw only focus there and determination. Castiel only saw trust.

 

~*~

 

_Day 180_

_8:19 PM_

Half an hour later, Dean was holding his baby niece, Grace.

Ruby had yet to wake.

 


	9. Steady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Ruby in the hospital and Sam not leaving her side, it's up to Dean to take care of the newest Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, let's just note a few things here.  
> 1\. I am not a doctor.  
> 2\. What I have done here is relate a few things from personal experience.   
> 3\. I have made up a few things and moved a few things around for the sake of this fictional world. If there is something blatantly wrong, believe me, I know it. There is a reason why this update took so long.   
> 4\. I appreciate all of your comments, you lovely human beings.   
> 5\. Comment as you see fit! I love hearing from you lovely readers.

“What is it?” Sam asked. He sat by Ruby’s side and held her hand. He wished for his brother so hard, he could feel his teeth grinding and his chest ached. He reminded himself to breathe.

“Preeclampsia.” Dr. Bradbury said. She stood next to Castiel. His eyes watched Ruby closely.

“Why isn’t she awake?”

“It-” Dr. Bradbury sighed and rubbed her face. Her and Ruby had become remarkably closer in the past few months. “It happens.”

“Cas?” Sam pleaded softly. “Can’t you wake her up like you did Dean?”

“What happened to Dean- I put him in that coma so that his brain would have time to heal. What happened to Ruby is purely organic and-” Cas stopped. “No, Sam. I have no power to wake her up. She will have to pull herself out.”

Sam gritted his teeth. He looked over at Ruby, who for all intents and purposes looked like she was taking a nap, and the over at Cas.

“I need you to leave.” He said softly.

“Sam-”

“Castiel, I _need_ my brother.” Sam begged. “So, I need you to leave. Please.”

Castiel pursed his lips and nodded. He held on to Ruby’s folder for a moment. “If you don’t mind, I’ll have one of the interns make a copy for me. Just so that we can have two pairs of eyes going over what’s happening.” Dr. Bradbury frowned but nodded. Castiel stepped forward and place a hand on Ruby’s forehead. He shook his head and turned on his heel. Sam was on his phone seconds later and Gabriel was coming in just as Dean picked up.

“Sam, where are you? What’s going on?” Dean demanded.

“I’m in room 1238. Can you come?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, we’ll be there in a few.” Dean said and hung up, before Sam could ask who was with him.

Moments later, Dean came in through the door, a small bundle tucked closely to his chest. Gabriel turned and smiled and said, “Hey Dean-o. Whatcha got there?”

“The newest and best looking Winchester around.” Dean said, a smile tugging at his lips, even though his eyes were locked onto Ruby lying in the bed. He came over and handed Grace off to Sam, making sure that he was supporting her head and tucking the blanket neatly under her chin. Sam felt helpless with this brand new small person in his arms, all wrapped up in pink and white that Ruby had chosen for her weeks before. He remembered Ruby in the middle of their huge bed, surrounded by various shades of pastel, dressed only in a pair of bright red shorts and sports bra, her thick dark hair hanging down her back, her belly round with promise.

_“What do you think, Sam?” She asked, holding up the small clothes. Sam smiled at her and said, “Whatever you want. I am not an expert at picking out girl clothes.”_

_Ruby frowned. “Fair enough, I suppose.” She had shuffled through more clothes before pulling out a tshirt that was emblazoned with My Uncle Is Cuter Than Your Uncle and smiled. “Definitely this one.”_

_“You spoil him.” Sam accused, laying down next to her._

_“I love him.” She countered. She leaned over and kissed Sam easily on the mouth. She ran her hands through his hair and smiled at him. “I love him because I love you and you can’t exist without each other. I love you, Sam Winchester, and all your baggage.”_

“Dean-” Sam started, pulling Grace to his chest. He was being pulled in a thousand different directions. His daughter, in his arms needed him. She would not survive without him. But the woman he loved, the woman he would die for in a heartbeat, was not here. She simply wasn’t and he had no idea how to get her back. “Dean, I don’t know what they are saying to me.”

Dean nodded and straightened his shoulders. He didn’t glare but there was a business air to him that could not be mistaken. This was the businessman that people respected and admired. Ruby was a shark when it came to the courtroom, but there was a little bit of calculation in Dean as well. This wasn’t just about Ruby, this was about his family, his baby brother and that brand new little girl in his arms that had already shaken Dean to his core. He picked up the slack that Sam could not.  

“Gabriel. Could you-?” Dean asked. Dean gestured to Ruby.

Gabriel cleared his throat. He looked over at Sam and there was sympathy there. “From Dr. Bradbury and Castiel’s notes, it’s presenting as preeclampsia. The best remedy is to deliver the child, which has obviously been done. Usually, not in all cases but usually, this will even out the blood pressure spike and the woman will be ordered on bed rest for the following two to three weeks. However, in rare cases like this, there are times when the woman will fall into a coma. It’s not like yours, Dean, so don’t ask that we pull her out. What we did to you, that was on purpose. This, Ruby, is something the medical field does not have a lot of knowledge of.”

“What can you do?” Dean asked. He rubbed his mouth and stared down at his shoes. He place a hand on Ruby’s very still wrist. Sam was shocked at how, just under a year ago, Ruby and Dean’s positions were reversed.

“We can wait.” Gabriel said gently.

“That’s it?” Dean asked, startled.

“That’s all we have, Dean.”

“I almost _died_ and you got me out. Ruby had a kid and that happens everyday and you can’t get her out of this?” Dean demanded. His tone was angry and his shoulders hunched but Gabe met his gaze head on. He knew, better than most, that this anger was not at him; he just happened to be the most available target.

“We stitched you back together.” Gabriel corrected. “Ruby- she is a whole new set of rules. We can’t wake her up without the risk of brain damage.”

Dr. Bradbury sighed and tugged on her ponytail. “Our best bet is Castiel.” She said heavily. “I mean no offense, Gabriel, but we know that this is what Castiel excels at. Let him back in here,” She said, turning back to Sam, “And let him take her case. He can help her.”

Sam looked at Dean askance. Dean chewed on his lower lip. “Keep your phone near you. Keep it charged. You need me, you call me. Fuck the restraining order, you hear me? We can deal with it later.” Dean sighed. “It’s only three more days, anyway. We can do three days of this and then I’ll be here. Yeah?”

Sam nodded and his eyes were bright and his face was wet but he stood and hugged his brother. “All right, Dean. Ok.” He said. “But I need you to do something else for me.”

“Anything, man.” Dean said immediately.

“You need to take care of Grace.” Sam said. “Ellen and Jo are gone for the next couple of days at the store up north. Bobby, he doesn’t do babies, man. Can you-?”

“Of course.” Dean said, swallowing past the lump of panic that had lodged itself in his throat. “Hey, I took care of you all those years, right?”

Gabriel watched the two of them and wished Anna was there more than ever. She had taken care of Samandriel and Cas and later on, both him and Balthazar. It was in her nature to do that sort of thing. She would have known what to do here. She would have been here to soothe Sam’s panic and help Dean with a brand new baby. She would have been able to see past the calm demeanor of both brothers and known the right words to say.

Gabriel squeezed Dean’s arm on the way out and nodded at Sam and Dr. Bradbury. He made a beeline straight for Castiel’s office where Cas was at his desk.

“There is something else here, Gabe.” Cas said, frowning at the paperwork in front of him. “The antibiotics, the anti-seizure meds, should have taken care of it. The magnesium sulfate alone-”

“There is always a chance-” Gabe interrupted.

“I ensure that those chances are minimal, and rarities like this, do not just happen. What am I missing?” Castiel asked, spreading the paperwork out in front of him even further.

“Dean is gone. He has taken the infant with him, Castiel, and Dr. Bradbury and Sam are requesting you take over.” Gabriel said.

Castiel peered at Gabe over his glasses. “Naturally.”

“This won’t interfere with-” Gabriel waved his hand about in a futile gesture to encompass what had happened.

“You know as well as I that the job comes first.” Castiel murmured.

“Oh, right. What was it that dad said after you graduated?” Gabe cleared his throat, straightened his shoulders and looked at Castiel seriously. “Fixing people. Healing them. The family business.” He dropped the act and sighed. “This is hitting a lot closer to home though. You sure you are ok with this?”

Castiel tugged his glasses off and nodded. “It’s presenting differently. And as long as I am able to view Ruby as another patient and not a friend, or the girlfriend of a close friend or the near sister of the man I-” He cut himself off and made himself feel that professional veneer once more. “Then, yes. I will be fine.”

Gabriel stood in his little brother’s office for a moment longer and chose not to see Castiel’s hand shaking as he shifted through the paperwork. He chose to ignore the way that Castiel swallowed hard and blinked his eyes behind those black rimmed glasses. Sometimes, it’s the little things that you choose to ignore that help others push through.

“All right, Cas. If you are sure.” Gabe whispered.

“I’m sure. Let’s start the tests, shall we? Make sure Dean is out of the room and we’ll begin.” Gabe nodded and Cas slipped into his white lab coat and threw his stethoscope around his neck. They made the short walk to Ruby’s room and Cas made sure Dean had left before Cas came in. Missouri and Lisa came around the desk they were sharing to help him. No way he needed two nurses but he  held his tongue; they were as concerned as everyone else.

Sam was holding the small bundle to his chest but was otherwise alone. Ruby’s vitals were stable and she looked peaceful. Cas nodded to Lisa and Missouri who began to pull out vials and needles. Cas crouched in front of Sam. His head was lowered and his fingers were tense and clutching.

“You are having quite the day.” Castiel said gently and placed his fingers around one of Sam’s wrists. “You might even have to take tomorrow off from work.”

Sam choked back a sob and raised his forearm to his eyes to hide the tears. “How did this become the happiest and saddest day of my life?”

“Because life, in a word, can suck.” Castiel said gravely. He stood and crossed over to Ruby. He watched silently as Missouri and Lisa finished up what they were doing. Lisa placed a band-aid over the small puncture wound in Ruby’s arm and for a split second-

_What if she doesn't get to do that for Grace? What if Grace has to grow up without a mother but will see her everyday in the mirror? Her dark hair, her full mouth, the big brown eyes that belong to her mother and she won’t know how beautiful and kind and strong she was-_

Castiel cleared his throat and Lisa and Missouri looked up at him. He frowned and nodded to them both. They left the room quickly and when Cas turned around, Gabe had the baby in his arms and was cooing gently to her. Sam watched Cas for a moment.

“All we can do is wait?” Sam asked.

“For now. I need to run tests. If I find anything, I will let you know.” Cas said.

“I’m not leaving, Cas.” Sam said, his brow furrowed.

“But your baby-”

“This is going to sound super fucked up, Cas, but I’m not leaving. If Gracie has to leave and Ruby has to stay, I’m not leaving.”

“How do you plan on pulling this off, Sam?” Castiel asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Are you calling your mother? Ellen? Jo?”

Sam snorted. “No. Dean.”

Gabe and Cas exchanged a look and Cas was sure that Gabe cuddled the baby a little closer to his chest after he heard Sam’s answer.

“Ok, you guys think you know my brother. A tough talking macho mechanic dude who has a thing for Cas. Which, yes. But he also raised me. He has this natural rapport with kids, babies. I can trust him with Grace. I know that what he will do is what needs to be done.” Sam sighed. “And these past six months, they’ve changed him. He’s slowed down. He takes care of himself more. I can trust him to do this for me.” Sam said.

Cas and Gabe looked at each other. “If there is anything we can do-” Gabe started.

“Just- just give me Ruby back.” Sam asked.

Cas nodded. “All right, Sam.”

They left the room once more, after Gabe returned the baby to her father and Cas had smoothed a hand over her downy fine hair; dark brown, just like her mother’s. Lisa held the small basket that contained the vials of blood they had just drawn from Ruby.

“What do I order?” Lisa asked.

Cas scrubbed his hands over his face and at least two dozen things ran through his mind. “Everything.” He finally huffed before he picked up the phone to call radiology. As far as Castiel was concerned, there would be no stone uncovered.

~*~

Dean slept fitfully that night. The house was too empty. Grace had stayed the obligatory one night, despite the pediatrician proclaiming her in perfect health. Gabe and Sam had insisted that Dean go home to get what little rest he could for the foreseeable future. But it was too quiet. Dean had gotten used to hearing Ruby get up every hour to make a trip to the bathroom. He was used to hearing Sam putt around in the living room or kitchen, the nervousness of his daughter’s arrival troubling his sleep. And it was also just the feeling of knowing that there was someone else in the house, someone there to talk to if Dean needed that he missed. He reached over to the other side of the bed and missed Castiel so desperately just then that his chest ached with a hollowness and an indefinable misery that his throat closed and he had to force himself to count to ten before he could just deal with all the things that had happened.

_“I just happen to think that if you were to get together with this doctor, a May wedding would be preferable” Ruby said, pondering over a red sauce that was simmering on the stove. She reached for the oregano._

_“Jesus, Ruby.” Dean muttered, referring to the directions for the bassinet that lay in pieces in front of him._

_“It’ll be lovely. We can get the cake from that bakery downtown, Divine Delights.” Ruby said, nodding to herself. She added a bit of olive oil to the pasta she was boiling._

_“You just like their cupcakes.” Dean said, fitting a small piece into the larger piece and screwing it in tightly._

_“Speaking of which…” Ruby said, raising her eyebrows._

_Dean sighed and laid down his screwdriver. “I can only do one thing. Do you want cupcakes or a bassinet?”_

_“Silly boy.” Ruby said and rolled her eyes. “Cupcakes.”_

Dean rolled over and buried his head in the pillow. He willed his mind to shut up so he could get some rest.

Eventually, he slept.

~*~

The next morning, Dean pulled on a worn pair of jeans and as a force of habit looked at the calendar. Two more days. He had two days to get through before he could see Cas again, hear him talk to him, and just feel him near.

He was in Sam’s room, shoving clothes into an old duffle when his phone rang. He flipped it open as he tugged a giant shirt off it’s hanger.

“This is Dean.”

“Dean, hey, I know you have a ton of things to do today-” David started.

Dean sighed and rubbed his face. He had forgotten all about work. “Fuck. Man. Ok. Here’s the thing. Ruby is really sick. Sam’s staying with her, Jo and Ash and Ellen are up north and can’t get back for a few days. I can’t come in till next week at the absolute earliest.”

“And Garth just left here, puking his guts out.” David provided grimly.

Dean thumped his head against the wall. “I can’t come in. I just can’t. Grace is being checked out of the hospital today and I’m the only one who can take her.”

There was silence on the other end and Dean thought he could hear two other voices. “Dean, hey. It’s Mandy.” There was a familiar rumble in the background. “And Bobby is here too. He says not to worry, that we can handle it until everyone gets back. Take care of your family and don’t worry about us.”

“If you need me, if you have questions-” Dean started.

“We won’t. Go take care of them. We have it handled here.” Bobby said gruffly.

“Bobby-” Dean said.

“Son. If I see you around here in the next three days for any reason than to show off the newest and probably best Winchester produced, I’m going to kick your ass.”

“All right, old man. Keep your panties on.” Dean muttered.

“Goodbye, Dean!” Mandy chirped and the phone hung up.

Dean continued to shove everything in the bag and hopped into the Impala. He had already installed the car seat in the back. Once at the hospital, he slung the duffel bag over his shoulder and called Sam. “Is the coast clear?” He asked.

“Uh, yeah. Cas is checking on his other patients.”

“Be there in a few.”

Dean entered the room quietly to find Sam folding a blanket and putting it aside. He took the bag gratefully and hurried into Ruby’s private shower for a quick wash. Dean wasn’t entirely sure that was ok with hospital regulations, but he wasn’t going to tell. He pulled a chair closer to Ruby.

“Hey. I’m not sure you can hear me. People say that you can, but personally, I don’t remember anyone talking to me. Maybe it’s different for you. I’m, uh, taking Gracie home today. Wish you were coming with us, but looks like you have other plans.” Dean paused and looked up at the machines beeping away above her. She slept on. “I’ll take good care of her Ruby. I took pretty good care of Sam and you seem to approve of him. But she’s going to need her mom. Take it from me, moms are vital.” He heard the water shut off and scooted his chair back. “Come back to us, Ruby-girl.” He whispered softly.

Sam came out of the bathroom, hair still wet. He rubbed the towel through it and finally gave up. He took a chair on the other side of her.

“Well.” Sam said.

Dean could only nod. There weren’t words for what was going on. There was really nothing left to be said. This small family that Sam and Dean had made for themselves, well, one of it’s most vital pieces lay still and silent between them.   

“Remember that time she hot wired your old truck because you locked the keys in the house?” Dean asked.

Sam nodded. “Remember that time she drove you to the hospital when you almost sliced your finger off?”

Dean nodded. “There was that time she punched that girl for smacking your ass.”

Sam smiled. “There is really no one like my girl.”

“There really isn’t.” Dean agreed.

They sat in silence for a few more moments. Dean checked his watch and stood. “Dr. Bradbury told me to be up at the nursery at ten to pick up Gracie. Do you need anything else?”

Sam shook his head. “Have you called mom?”

Dean smiled. “I’ll let that question slide.”

Sam nodded and stood with Dean. At the door, Sam bowed his head. He seemed to try to say something but the words kept catching and Dean waited for a long moment. He knew his brother, probably better than anyone. He knew how to wait him out and he knew just how to push him over the edge when he needed it. Where Dean was often fearless, Sam took care to think his actions over.

So while Sam’s words failed, Dean understood what he was asking.

_Am I doing the right thing?_

_Is it ok that I stay and you take Gracie?_

_Is Ruby going to be ok?_

_What do I do if Iose her?_

Dean put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, a sign of solidarity. His own words expressed in the smallest of actions. And this is how Dean tells Sam that he loves him.

_If you fall, I’m here._

Sam tried to choke back his tears but failed. He grasped at Dean and Dean pulled him into his arms and all of a sudden, it was a twelve year old Dean and an eight year old Sam asking why their mom wasn’t around anymore, why dad drank so much, why they couldn’t just be normal and happy and why can’t things just be? He held onto his brother while he sobbed and fell apart in his arms and didn’t try to comfort him. There was no comfort to be taken here. Dean had no answers. He had no solutions. The only thing he could offer Sam was what Sam had done for him so many months earlier.

To be steady, to be his rock when there was no one else.

After a while, Sam caught his breath and stepped back. He wiped his face on his sleeve and looked down. Dean held on to his shoulder a moment longer.

“I got you, ok?” Dean said.

Sam nodded.

Dean left to go get Grace.

~*~

Dean made one more stop at Ruby’s room before he left the hospital altogether. Sam held his daughter for the better part of an hour and before he left, he had both Missouri and Lisa’s phone number in his cell phone in the event that he might need backup. Sam walked down to the parking lot with him, checking the car seat and making sure she was secure before walking back to the building. Dean couldn’t help but notice Sam look back more than once at the departing vehicle.

“Looks like it’s you and me against the world for the next couple days, sweetheart.” Dean told Grace. He watched her yawn in her seat and continue sleeping.

In theory, Dean knew how to take care of a newborn. Sam had barely been eight months old when Dean took over a lot of the responsibility from his father. He had changed more diapers before he was eight years old than any child had any business doing. He knew how to make a bottle one handed. He knew how to change a squirming child’s clothes.

But someone should have told him that newborns were entirely different. For one thing, Grace slept. Grace slept, like, _a lot_. So much so that within the first five hours of being home, Dean was genuinely worried. He keyed in Dr. Bradbury’s number who gave him the number of the pediatrician that Ruby had specified. He spoke briefly to a harried sounding man before being hung up on. He looked down at his niece who slept peacefully on, completely unaware of the panic she was causing her uncle. He jumped when she stretched and curled her small hands into fists and yawned widely. He keyed through his numbers, calling Ellen and Jo and hearing the same thing he heard from the pediatrician and the internet. The panic in his chest would not go away though and so he sucked in a deep breath and called the last person he thought he would.

“Dr. Novak.” A cool voice came over his speaker.

“Balthazar. Dean here.” He tried to quell the panic rising in the back of his throat.

“Dean, darling. What can I do for you?” Balthazar asked after a moment’s hesitation.

“I have a question. Do you have a moment?”

“I have several, as a matter of fact. Ask away.”

Dean inhaled deeply and started.

~*~

An hour and two specialists later, Balthazar finally put Dean’s worries to rest.

****  
  


~*~

For the time that Gracie did not sleep during the day, she sure was awake every hour and a half that night. Dean was too scared to leave her in her room by herself ( _damn right he used the word scared; he was scared of the spiderwebs he had swept out of the corner four days ago; he was scared she would stop breathing; he was scared she would cry and he wouldn’t hear her_ ) so she slept in the bassinet next to Dean’s bed. She woke often and he was barely keeping it together to mix the formula properly. She finally settled down around eight the next morning only for the two of them to wake to both of them soaking wet at nine thirty. The diaper had not been put on properly, Dean found out.

Bath time with a newborn is not enjoyable. Well, Grace didn’t find it enjoyable and promptly began screaming her dislike. Dean began to hum _Let It Be_ , mostly to keep himself from losing it. There is a quality to a newborn’s wails that was perfectly indescribable.

“You know,” Dean said to Grace over her wails, “Your daddy wasn’t this high maintenance. He got by on grape soda and Chef Boyardee.” Grace continued to wail as he stripped her sopping clothes from her and dropped them into the hamper. He set her down on her little bouncy seat that traveled with them throughout the house. Dean took off his own clothes, leaving only his boxer briefs on. He turned the water on to a steamy warmth and then gathered his niece in his arms once more. She continued to wail. Dean picked up singing _Let It Be_ once more. He cradled her against his chest and when they stepped into the warmth of the shower stall, her wails stopped like a switch had been flipped.

“Well, look at that. You could have just said you were cold, ya know.” Dean said, using some tearless shampoo on both of them. His shower was large and warm and they stayed in there for as long as he dared. He cursed his younger self for putting the closet where he kept the towels more than three steps away as Grace’s screaming kicked up a notch as soon as they stepped out of the shower and he hurried to wrap her in one of his huge towels. She quieted down and stuck a fist in her mouth and Dean instantly knew that hunger would be descending on them soon. He wrapped her like a burrito, keeping her small heat inside the towel, wrapped himself in a robe and dashed down to her room. He passed the laundry room as he did and a bright idea struck him. He gently laid Grace down in her crib and grabbed a soft pair of pants and a small tshirt from her clean clothes and threw them in the dryer. He ran back to her room, switched on the baby monitor, ran back to his own room, grabbed the extension that traveled through the house and dropped it in his pocket. He then took off down the stairs and around to the back of the house into the kitchen, washed a bottle, made a new one, ran back upstairs, grabbed the clothes out of the dryer, dropped them on the rocking chair and picked Grace up out the crib and as swiftly as he could, put a diaper on. It wasn’t quick enough for Grace and she began wailing again.

“I want you to know that when you are old enough,” Dean told her and she kicked her little feet up into the air, “I will teach you how to bake.” He picked up her neck and her back in one hand and pulled the shirt on over her head. “And you will bake me the most divine creations on the planet.” The clothes were still warm and Dean’s plan worked. Grace stopped crying almost immediately. He plucked the bottle from his robe pocket and dropped them both into the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Ruby had not taken his advice and had instead gone with the colors of her own choice; a pale pink with chocolate brown accents. Grace sucked hungrily on the bottle.

“You know, little one, this is not exactly what I had planned for tonight. I had planned on going for a haircut and maybe going to buy a couple new button up shirts. I had a hot date planned for tomorrow that’s been six months in the making.” Grace’s eyes looked up at him solemnly. That look was pure Sam. “I think you’ll like him. He’s a good guy. A doctor, nonetheless. He worked with at risk people, homeless people, children even, helped fix them up and make them healthy. He’s with your mom right now, so maybe it’s for the best that we postpone the date for tomorrow.” Dean sighed and leaned his head against the cushioned head rest of the chair. “I bought this chair for your mom. I had this whole vision of her and you in here, having some kind of sweet mother daughter moment. It’ll happen, but I just figured she would be the one in here with you and your daddy running around like a crazy person trying to fix everything. Not me doing both.” He peered down at Grace who blinked at him sleepily. “Not that I mind. I don’t, you know. I love you, sweet little girl. Even if you do have a pair of lungs to rival Brian Johnson. AC/DC will come later though.” Grace’s eyes fell shut right then but Dean continued to rock them for a few more minutes. After he figured she was good and asleep, he pulled the bottle from her mouth which remained puckered in a bow and stood and went to his own room. The bassinet was in its usual spot, right next to his bed. He laid her down and picked up the thick blanket that Jo had made her, a quilt that was not so dissimilar than the one she had made Ruby and Sam for the baby shower. He tucked it around her and pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants and glanced over at the clock. Less than twenty four hours before he could talk to Cas.

He looked down at his niece. It would pass, just as the last six months had.

~*~

Gabe watched his brother closely. He always liked watching Cas work, his brain going faster than the average person’s. Gabe himself was no slouch in the intelligence department but Cas put everyone to shame. He tried not to show it too much unless he needed it. And right now, he felt more than ever that he needed it. Interns were getting snapped at, Missouri had to soothe Lisa’s hurt feelings more than once and Samandriel was staying away from their part of the wing. Cas was ignoring damn near everyone who wasn’t a Winchester.

“So, Cas.” Gabe started.

“What, Gabriel?” Cas snarled. He ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t used to not knowing the answer right away. He was used to diagnosing while the problem presented itself and only being confirmed later by test results.

“You going to eat today?” Gabe asked.

“It’s only nine thirty. I’m not hungry.” Cas said. He didn’t lift his head from the book that he was currently buried in.

“It’s after one.” Gabe said.

“Don’t be ridiculous-” Cas said, raising his eyes to the clock behind Gabriel that only confirmed his comment. “Fuck.” He said, matter of factly.

“Let’s go eat.” Gabe said gently. “Come on, I’ll treat.”

“I can’t-”

“Yes you can and you will. Mercy Hospital and the Winchesters will not perish if you feed yourself. Get your coat.”

“We aren’t staying here?” Cas asked.

“Not if I can help it.” Gabe muttered.

Twenty minutes later they were being seated at a table in a nearby seafood restaurant. Cas ordered quietly and stared stonily out the window to their left.

“What’s on your mind, big boy?” Gabe asked, tearing a piece of warm bread apart and shoving it in his mouth.

“The Winchesters have completely fucked me.” Cas said. “I can’t sleep because all I can keep thinking is about Dean. You are taking all my patients because all I can work on is Ruby. And I switch back and forth in between work and sleep. What if he doesn’t want me? What if she doesn’t wake up?”

Gabe raised his cup in Castiel’s direction. “I will toast to that. They have completely and utterly fucked you. Turned your neat little world upside down, inside out, shook you up and dumped you out on the sidewalk and kid, you can’t tell up from down anymore.” Gabe took a deep swallow of his tea. “Ain’t love grand? You’ll live for him and kill yourself trying to make him happy which means figuring Ruby out, am I right?”

Castiel glared. “Whatever this is, it isn’t grand.”

Gabe grinned broadly. “What time are you going over?”

Cas fiddled with his napkin. “The restraining order ends tonight at midnight. Before all this happened, I planned on being there with a bottle of Jack Daniels at 12:01. But now. With Ruby and Grace and everything else that’s happened, I might wait until after work.”

“Driving directly from work to there?”

“Yes.”

Gabe smirked. “I think you are going to need some reinforcements.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked.

“Balthazar received a very panicked phone call from Dean yesterday. Seems that he is having a hard time with his small niece. He apparently spent an hour on the phone with Dean, soothing his outright panic. Now, I am aware of your need to have alone time with Dean, but right now, he is essentially a single parent to a newborn infant. If you would be, ah what’s the word?, amenable to the idea, Samandriel, Balthazar, Kali and I would like to join you.”

“You think that Dean and I can’t handle an infant?” Cas challenged, his eyes narrowing.

“I didn’t say that. But you don’t know what taking a newborn is like and I have a feeling that Dean is just finding out. We won’t stay long. Promise. But the parent of every newborn needs help.”

“When did you become this bastion of information?” Cas said, giving his consent and slumping in his seat.

“I always have been, you just never noticed.”

~*~

Day two was a little easier. Dean noticed the piles of laundry around the house where he would tear off his shirt after Grace spit up on him or when he didn’t put the diaper on correctly. He spoke to Sam several times, but there had been no change in Ruby’s condition. He napped with Grace, only a few hours at a time. He still had other things he had to do; take the occasional call from the garage, feed himself, take out the garbage, try to do laundry. None of it ever got done.

Dean sincerely hoped that if Cas came by the next day that he would call. The house was a wreck. It was two in the afternoon and Grace had just gone down for a nap and Dean was laying down as well. He closed his eyes and was almost immediately asleep.

When he woke, the late summer sun was filtering through the window. He blinked and wondered what woke him. In her bassinet next to him, Grace cooed but otherwise did not make much noise. Dean slid off the bed and gathered her close.

“I believe someone needs a change of diaper.” Dean said, wrinkling his nose. Grace leaned into his chest while they made their way down to her room. He changed her diaper and listened while she squeaked indignantly at him. He placed her in her crib and grabbed the baby sling that Ruby had bought on a whim but had saved his ass in the past two days more than once. It was olive green and didn’t even require him to wear a shirt. It was soft and cradled Grace to his chest and he was still able to do things with his arms. Like finally make himself a sandwich. He tucked her in there and she stared up at him. She squeaked at him once more and he walked down to the kitchen humming _Let It Be_. Grace waved a fist at him. He put a sandwich together and made a bottle for Grace. He walked around for a little while, talking out loud to Grace what it was like growing up with her dad and what living with her mom for the past eight years was like.

“You know, we hated each other.Your mom and me. I thought she was taking my brother away from me. And she thought I never wanted Sam to grow up. So when Sam finally said that he wasn’t going to take our attitude towards each other anymore, then I knew it was real. Your daddy, he knows what it is to value something. And if he valued both of us enough to keep up with the crap we were slinging at each day in and day out, then, you know this was it. Your mom was the one and I would have to deal with it.” Grace yawned and reached a small hand up and Dean caught her small fingers in his own. “And I am so glad that she stuck around. She helped me more than anyone else after the wreck. She was the one to help me pick up after myself more than anyone. Right now, I would say she is my best friend. Your daddy is busy at work so much that Ruby, your mom, she is the one that’s stuck with me. And I stuck with her. I was at your baby shower with about twenty five woman. Me and your dad.” Dean looked down at Grace who was paying rapt attention to her uncle. “That’s it. I’m only telling you this so you know how much you are loved. Because those women- they were not onboard with the idea of having two dudes at their baby shower.”

In jersey shorts and the sling, Dean ventured outside to the porch. He sat on the swing and it was quiet. He stared out on the road that he had wrecked on and the fields surrounding it. Sam had taken him out and shown him where he had landed. Ruby had tucked her hand in his when his voice shook as he talked about finding Dean partially hanging out of the side of his truck, the truck itself upside down. He talked about riding in the ambulance and Ruby having to bring him a change of clothes to the emergency room because his were blood stained. Ruby spoke quietly of holding Jo’s hand while they waited to hear from Castiel about what was going on. Of Ellen and Bobby holding on to one another when Castiel delivered the news of Dean being in a medically induced coma for the foreseeable future. Sam couldn’t help but add that his scrubs were stained with blood too. Ruby rubbed Sam’s arm when she told Dean about how he had blanked out and Castiel had to talk him down from an impending panic attack.

The wreck had happened to Dean but while he was gone, he hadn’t realized the damage that it had done to his family. He hadn’t realized that Sam and Bobby had gotten into a screaming match about calling Mary. That Ellen had quietly come down on Bobby’s side and the outright betrayal that Sam felt still stung when he thought about it. The shrubbery was just now growing back but Dean could still mark where his truck had hit the ground once, twice, three times. There were small crosses decorated with wilting flowers that marked the deaths of three people that had died there. Dean tried not to think about them and, strangely enough, only talked with Tessa about them. The guilt he felt was not his to bear, he understood that much, but it was still there. Were it not for Grace these past two nights, he knew he would have been up drinking warm milk and pacing the halls.

Instead he rubbed her back, softly sang _Here Comes The Sun_ and went back inside.

~*~

There was a fever. There was swelling on her brain and Cas was worried that if this carried on much more that he would have to perform craniotomy to relieve the pressure on her brain and he did not want to be the one the shear off Ruby’s much loved dark hair. Her kidneys were failing and were working at dangerously low levels. He had already ordered a fistula be grafted into her left arm in the event that they ceased function altogether. Samandriel was only a call away if a peritoneal dialysis catheter needed to be put into Ruby’s abdomen. These were all in place for the mere fact that yes, it looked like her organs were shutting down and her kidneys might be the first thing to go.  

This lovely, vital woman was falling to pieces in Castiel’s hands. And he was absolutely powerless to stop it.

Everytime he entered the room, Sam was there. Visiting hours meant nothing to him and even Missouri had long since stopped trying to get him to leave and go home and see his daughter. Sam would watch Cas with eyes that were, in turn, hopeful and steely. When Cas only had more bad news to deliver, Sam would nod and whisper, “What can we do?”

At home that night, Cas laid out all his paperwork on the floor, pulled on a much loved blue bulldogs sweatshirt and kept working. His brothers walked in every now and again and offered opinions. Kali brought him dinner. She hugged him, ran a hand through his hair and whispered something so soft in his ear that he missed what she said. He ate his dinner crosslegged on the floor, looking at x-rays, blood tests and medical histories. He placed his dinner on his desk and walked around the scatter of papers at his feet.

Balthazar poked his head in around eleven thirty. “Bed, Cassie. We all have another long day tomorrow.”

Castiel looked up and frowned at him. Balthazar frowned back at him. He pushed his way in and was followed by his other two brothers. Gabe collapsed into a chair across from the scatter of papers on the floor and Samandriel lingered by the door. Balthazar picked his way over to Castiel, careful not to mess up any of the papers on the floor. “You’ve been in here for hours. You’ve been over everything. You need to sleep.”

Castiel sighed and dropped in front of the pile of papers. He gathered them all up in a pile and slipped them in the manila folder with Ruby’s last name on it. He placed the folder on his desk and tapped a finger over it. His eyes were gritty from reading the same reports over and over. His head ached from thinking about different diagnoses and what they could all mean and different drug reactions that could make the whole situation worse. He was pissed because nothing was making sense.

Cas sighed and his shoulders slumped. “The answer is in here somewhere.”

“And you’ll find it, after you sleep.” Gabe said.

“I didn’t find it for Anna.” Cas muttered dismally.

“Anna was beyond any of our help.” Samandriel replied, anger in his voice. “Nothing could have saved her.”

He nodded and placed his hand flat on the folder and then spun it away and stared down angrily at the papers there. He shook his head. “It’s not there. It’s not. It’s something that I’m missing.”

All three brothers stared at the papers fluttering to the floor. They were unimpressed. For all his genius, even as a child, Castiel had a temper when he wasn’t able to understand things right away. He could be downright bratty.

“Come on, Superman. Bed.” Gabe said, pointing at the door. He raised an eyebrow. “Now.”

Cas stalked out of the room but paused at the gilded frame outside his room. It was one of the pictures that Anna had done for him. It was particular favorite from when she had spent time on the Navajo reservation. The land was flat with a Joshua tree square in the middle, a mesa rising in the distance. Storm clouds, angry and thick were over the mesa, descending on the tree. He traced her name with his fingers. Cas went to be, angry and disconsolate.

~*~

The next morning, Grace let Dean sleep for a solid three hours straight. It was the most glorious thing that had happened to him since Ruby had announced her pregnancy in the kitchen so many months previous. When she did cry, he stumbled to his feet, made his way to the kitchen and made another bottle. In her room, at the changing table, he propped the bottle up on a blanket and changed her diaper. After he was done, he placed the sling on once more and tucked Grace inside it and began gathering all her clothes that he had dropped unceremoniously on the floor. He threw them all in the washer and walked back downstairs to make himself some coffee and maybe an egg sandwich. As he did his cell phone rang and he turned around, hand still tucked inside the sling to hold the bottle and went back to his room for his cell phone.

“‘Ello?” He asked.

“Dean, hey.” Sam said from the other side.

“Hey Sammy. How’s Ruby?”

“Holding pretty steady so far. No changes. Cas hasn’t mentioned doing the craniotomy yet today, so maybe we are ok.”

“Dialysis?” Dean asked, scratching his head.

“No. She’s doing ok.”

“But they still don’t know?” Dean asked, pulling the bottle from Grace’s mouth gently.

“No, not yet. But it’s not for a lack of trying. Cas is killing himself over this, I can tell- Hey, it’s today, isn’t it?”

“What-” Dean asked and his eyes flew to the calendar. “It is.” He said.

“Have you heard from him?”

“No, but I imagine he’s at work.”

“He was just in here, yeah.”

Dean paused and didn’t let his insecure words surface. “I’m sure he’s busy.”

“And he knows you have Gracie.” Sam added.

“Yeah.” Dean breathed. “Hey, man. Me and your daughter just woke up. She let me sleep a solid three hours. I need some food before I starve to death.”

“All right man.” Sam said.

“Call me if anything changes, you hear?”

“Yeah, of course. And Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sure he’ll call.”

“I’m sure he will too.”

They hung up and Dean went downstairs and made himself a sandwich. He hummed _Little Girl Blue_ and changed Grace once more. He tucked her back into the sling once again where she yawned and fell asleep sometime while Dean was washing dishes. He noticed he was getting low on formula and frowned. He hadn’t left the house with Grace in three days. He sighed, resigned to having to wear real clothes for once and pulled on a pair of pants and an green tshirt. He dressed Grace in the last clean thing she had (while secretly congratulating his forethought of putting her clothes in the washer earlier) which was a black and green onesie with tutu ruffles on it, green leggings, black and green booties and a bright green headband to hold back the baby whisps of her hair. She slept through the whole thing and even the eventual diaper change as well. He carried her and a black diaper bag out to the Impala, buckled her in and drove to the closest place he could find, despite them being much higher priced than the other places.

Despite the time that had passed, Dean was still weary of other drivers.

When he got out of the car, he put the sling back on and secretly thanked the mother who had chosen such a dark green color because Dean didn’t think he could pull off a pink and purple sling he had seen another mother wearing. Grace was tucked back into her usual spot, just below his heart and Dean, his heart pounding, diaper bag slung over his shoulder, stepped into a grocery store for the first time with a newborn.

~*~

Cas worked hard throughout the day, consulting with other neurologists from around the country, talking with obstetricians and friends of his father’s. They all recommended what Cas had already done and reminded him, gently, that time was really all he could give at this point. Around three that afternoon, he slumped in his office chair, chewing on his lip. Samandriel poked his head in. “I got you a sandwich from downstairs and Balthazar asked me to remind you that we are all leaving at exactly five o’clock today if we have to drag you kicking and screaming from here.”

“That’s won’t be necessary.” Cas said.

Samandriel approached Castiel’s desk with the glossy box in his hand. “The sandwich or the dragging?”

“The sandwich is necessary.” Castiel said greedily. “Dragging me will not be.”

“We’ll meet you at the car then.” Samandriel said and left the room.

Cas ate his sandwich in three bites and signed off on some more tests for Ruby. He was monitoring her more closely since her kidneys have begun to fail and wanted to keep a close eye on her other internal organs. There were other insurance papers he need to take care of for her as well and talked to a very nice young girl about Sam’s insurance being able to cover them. He finally was able to stand and stretch before he headed to Ruby’s room. Sam was there, hand in Ruby’s and a thoughtful look on his face.

“Hi Cas.” He said. His voice was soft and unused. He knew Sam was only really speaking to Dean at this point.

“Hi Sam. How’s Grace?”

“Good. Dean had to go to the grocery store which was apparently a battle of nerves and will, but she’s good. Eating a lot. Dean says she’s going through a lot of diapers too.” Sam hung his head and leaned against the bed. “I don’t know, man. How do I even begin to pay him back for this?”

“There is no payback for this, Sam. He doesn’t expect it. You and I know that.” Cas placed a hand on Ruby’s forehead and watched her eyes move under her eyelids. “Just be grateful that you have someone like that there for you.”

“Today’s the day, isn’t it?”

Cas nodded and wrote something down on his pad. “It is, yes.”

“You haven’t called.” Sam accused gently.

“I’m leaving here and going straight there.”

“Oh.” Sam said. He nodded to himself and tightened his hand around Ruby’s. “Yeah, ok.”

“Balthazar, Gabe and Samandriel are going too. I believe Kali will be meeting us there as well. They are of the mindset that Dean might be a little overwhelmed and in need of a break.”

“He sounds like it. I mean, he doesn’t say anything, but yeah.” Sam nodded. “He probably needs it. He’s been alone and in the house for the past three days except for his grocery store trip today.”

“If you need anything, you have my cell phone. I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care how small a thing it is.” Cas reminded him.

“Go make my brother feel better, Cas.” Sam said and shooed him out the door.

At the door, Cas paused and turned around. “Sam?” He asked.

“Yeah?”

“Do I look ok?”

Sam smiled gently. “Cas, you could be wearing a tutu and Dean would still feel the same way.”

Cas laughed and headed back to his office to leave his lab coat and grab his jacket. Gabe caught up with him at the elevator and they met Samandriel and Balthazar at his car. They were fairly quiet on the way home until they passed by a market and Cas slapped his hand on the dash.

“Wait!” He practically yelled.

“What?” Balthazar said, slamming on the brakes and spinning into the market parking lot.

“We should get things. We weren’t at the baby shower.” Cas said, opening the door and walking up to the place. He grabbed a cart and headed straight to the baby section. There, he grabbed formula, blankets, diapers and more diapers. Balthazar and Gabriel watched him, mouths open. Samandriel met them at the cash register, his arms full of small outfits, more blankets, more diapers and toys.

“At least someone was useful.” Cas huffed, pulling out his wallet and glaring at Balthazar and Gabriel. They rolled their eyes at him.

~*~

Dean was half asleep in the rocking chair for the second time that day. He wore the jeans from earlier that day but his shirt was a loss and frankly, taking care of another human being, no matter how small, was draining. He couldn’t find it in him to put another shirt on mostly because he didn’t have anymore and partly because he was so tired he couldn’t sort laundry right then. Grace was a small sweet warmth on his chest and she huffed slightly and curled a small hand against his throat.

The doorbell rang and before Dean was quite awake, he had curled an arm around Grace and was standing up. He was on automatic pilot as he stumbled down the stairs and pulled the door open.

Cas stood there, arms full of packages. His hair was as fucked up as it had ever been and his face was a little more tan than Dean remembered it being. He had dark circles under his eyes but Dean was no one to judge on someone else having not gotten enough sleep.

“Heya, Cas.” Dean breathed the words out, words he had been waiting ages to say.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said, stepping inside. He dropped his packages unceremoniously on the floor and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. Dean pulled him in close with just one arm, the other still occupied with Grace. “Hey, Cas.” Dean whispered again, into Castiel’s neck, surprised at the tears in his eyes. He barely noticed Gabe and Samandriel and Balthazar and Kali troop in behind him, all carrying things as well.

“While that is all well and good, I believe you owe me something.” Kali said.

Dean stepped back, wiping at his face. Cas kept his hand on Dean’s lower back. “What’s that?”

“The baby. I believe I get to hold her now after you spending three days alone with her.” Kali said. Dean gently pulled Grace from his shoulder and placed her in Kali’s arms and found himself smiling at her as she talked to the sleeping baby in her arms.

“Don’t get any ideas.” Gabriel murmured next to her.

“I’ll do whatever I like, Gabriel.” Kali said softly.

Balthazar excused himself and went to the kitchen. Dean slumped down in a chair and Cas sat next to him. Samandriel pushed a pile of laundry aside on the couch and also sat.

“I’m sorry, guys. I’ve just been so caught up with Gracie- And without Ruby this place kind of goes to shit real fast.” Dean explained and yawned.

“We expected worse, actually.” Samandriel said. Dean yawned again and nodded. “When was the last time you got any real sleep?” Samandriel asked.

Dean furrowed his brow. “What’s today?”

“Jesus.” Gabe said. “We’ll take it from here, ok? Go take a nap. I’ll do a couple loads of laundry, Samandriel will pick up, I think Balthazar is cooking something-”

“Not before we return to the market! Winchester what have you been surviving on? Formula?”

“Take-out, but the formula was next.” Dean nodded.

“And Kali and I will sit here and spoil the baby.”

Dean frowned. “I can’t ask you guys to do that.”

“You aren’t. We are volunteering. Cas, take your boyfriend upstairs and make him sleep.” Samandriel said, as he began shuffling through the discarded newspaper on the coffee table.

“Come, Dean. You need to rest.” Cas said, tugging on Dean’s hand.

“Are you sure-”

“Go!” Gabriel, Kali and Balthazar all snapped at Dean. Startled, Dean let himself be pulled up the stairs to his room by Cas. He shut the door behind them and looked around his room.

“Sorry, Cas. I was going to clean but-”

“Never mind that, Dean. Come on. Get in the shower.”

“Will you join me?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded and began to pull at his tie. Dean marched into the bathroom and turned the shower on before pulling him into the bathroom and undressing him the rest of the way. The steam filled the room and Cas helped him out of his clothes and they kissed, long and lazy underneath the shower. Cas reached for the soap and washed Dean’s hair while Dean leaned into him and moaned. He finished his hair and got a small sponge and began to wash the rest of him, dropping to his knees in front of Dean. Dean let him wash his legs, calves and feet. Cas lost the sponge somewhere and ran his hands along Dean’s thighs, and before Dean knew it, Cas’s mouth had enveloped him tightly and he groaned. One of his hands found their way to Castiel’s hair and gripped there tightly. Cas worked him into a frenzy and Dean cried out and Castiel swallowed him down deeper than before. Dean practically blacked out from the unexpected orgasm and found himself on the ground, Cas leaning into him.

“Jesus Christ.” Dean muttered.

“You said that.”

“Did I? I don’t remember.” Dean said, sliding a hand into Castiel’s wet hair. He kissed him, tasted all the salt and slick of himself. “I missed you. I need you.”

“I need you.” Castiel replied, his lips tracing Dean’s as he murmured the words back. “Let’s get out of here. I want to get you into bed.”

“Reciprocity.” Dean nodded.

“No. I need to be the big spoon.” Castiel said. “No need for reciprocity. I do what I want because I want to. I want you. And once you are rested, I have a list of things I want to do to you.”

Dean’s eyes glinted. “I like the sound of that.”

Cas turned the water off and guided Dean out of the shower. They dried off and pulled on some boxers. Dean slid into the bed and sneezed. “Ugh. Allergies.”

Cas ran a hand down his arm. “Didn’t know you were allergic to anything.”

“Just cats.” Dean said. “You should have been there at Ruby’s baby shower. The lady that was hosting said she didn’t have any but I was miserable the entire time. I know she had cats somewhere in there.”

Instead of settling beside him, Castiel went stock still. “When was Ruby’s baby shower?”

“Actually the day she went into the hospital-”

Cas stood up faster than Dean thought was possible. He pulled on a pair of jeans that Dean was pretty sure were his own but he thought better than to say anything. “Get dressed!” Cas shouted at Dean. He threw the door open and shouted downstairs. “We have to go back to the hospital! Get the baby ready!”

“Why?” Gabe called back.

“I know what’s wrong with Ruby.” Cas said, triumphantly to Dean.      

 


	10. That's All That Was

Dean was shoved into a pair of jeans and a hoodie before he could comprehend what was going on. He packed the diaper bag as quickly as he could, shoving diapers, three changes of clothes, formula and bottled water into the black backpack that he used. Balthazar made sandwiches as quickly as he could and Kali and Gabriel helped to pick up some of the mess. Samandriel called the hospital and began to snap out orders that were very out of character for him. It was the first time Dean had seen him use his authority as a doctor and he was struck by how very _Novak_ it was of him. He took Grace out of his hands and changed her diaper while Dean brushed his teeth and Cas took over the phone call, talking in complicated medical jargon that Dean didn’t even try to decipher.

Twenty minutes later Balthazar and Kali stood at the door, waving Gabe, Cas, Dean and Grace off. Samandriel was already on his way to the hospital to prepare everything that Cas would need for his eventual arrival.

“Dean, I know this car can go faster.” Cas complained from the passenger seat.

“Says the doctor to the man who is driving a newborn that’s not even his and was in a coma after a near death crash less than a year ago.” Dean growled.

Gabe chuckled.

Their arrival at the hospital was quiet and hurried. Cas was practically clawing at the elevator doors to open and rushed down the hall to where Missouri and Lisa sat. They stood when they saw him and Lisa rushed around the back and down the hall to the pharmacy. She must have already been aware of what drugs Cas needed.

“Missouri, is Sam in there?” Cas asked.

“Where else would he be?” Missouri asked.

Cas hurried down the hall and turned the corner to Ruby’s room, Lisa already entering the room. Gabe followed close behind, and Dean brought up the rear. Grace was already in the sling and Sam blinked up at the sudden onslaught of all the people. He looked to be dozing near Ruby’s hip, music playing softly from his phone.

“Cas. Dean, what-?”

“Sam, I know what happened to Ruby.” Cas said, gesturing to Lisa who brought up the small tray she had been carrying. There were two syringes on the tray and Cas nodded to Lisa, “Clear the line, please.”

Lisa pulled out another syringe from her front pocket and pushed it into a juncture that led into Ruby’s arm. She emptied it into the line and stepped back. Cas took one of the needles from the tray and nodded at Sam. Sam watched him with wide eyes and turned to Dean. Dean stepped up and Sam grabbed the back of his sleeve and Dean couldn’t help but remember-

_“Dean, I’m too old to you hold your hand.”_

_“Sammy, we are crossing the street and you are four years old. Gimme your hand or I’m not making you a peanut butter and banana sandwich when we get home.”_

_“Can’t I just hold on to your sleeve? Please? I’m big now, I won’t let go, I promise.”_

_“Fine.”_

“It was the preeclampsia yes, but it was something else we missed. It’s called toxoplasmosis. It a bacteria that lives in cat feces but can also be transmitted through dander.”

“She wasn’t around any cats.” Sam said.

“The baby shower. Remember?” Dean said softly. He saw the dawning realization in Sam’s eyes.

“Between the preeclampsia and toxoplasmosis, it created this perfect storm in her body. The preeclampsia is putting added stress on her heart and her liver and the toxoplasmosis is attacking her brain and kidneys. Both of these happening in one person is unheard of and created this perfect storm of events. Everything else is just shutting down because it’s too much stress on one single body that’s already been through so much.” Cas held up a syringe before stepping over injecting it into the same line Lisa used. He gestured for her to come forward with the other one. He pushed the needle in and emptied it into her line.

“Will that wake her up?” Sam asked, his hold tightening on Dean and for a moment Dean was terrified of Castiel’s answer.

“Yes.” He said softly.

“Will she-” Dean cleared his throat. “Will she be ok?”

“While the pressure on her brain has been high, I don’t see any reason why she would not come out of this exactly as she was before.”

“How long?” Sam asked and Dean felt the familiar tug on his sleeve and knew that Sam was clutching to him desperately. “How long until she wakes up?”

“Hours, at the most.” Gabe said.

“We can wait.” Dean said, pulling Grace close to his chest and nodding to the chair. “You gonna sit, man?”

“No.” Sam said, pushing Dean towards the chair. Dean sat and forgot about the backpack on his shoulder. Grace yawned and blinked up at him. Dean scooped her up out of the sling and adjusted her so that she was cradled in his left arm. She stuck a fist in her mouth and Dean knew he was only moments from a breakdown, so he reached into the backpack for a bottle already filled with water and then pulled the formula out. He unscrewed the top of the bottle and dumped the appropriate amount of formula in, still holding Grace against his chest. He managed to pull it off while humming _Call Me Irresponsible_ to her. He put the bottle in her mouth, put the formula away and sat back, bringing one leg up to prop them both up against the back of the chair.

He looked up and met the astonished looks of nearly everyone. Sam only looked proud.

“If you guys think this is the first time I’ve ever had to do something I am not qualified to do at all, you don’t know me at all.” Dean said with a cocksure grin. Sam shook his head and clapped him gently on the shoulder. Dean looked up at him. “You looked like you’ve gotten as much sleep as me.”

“Was she hard on you?” Sam asked.

“Just like her mother. She kicked my ass. The house is trashed. There is no food there. Laundry is piling up. It’s all going to hell.” Dean looked down as Grace placed a hand on his finger and he smiled. “I need my family back, man.”

They both turned to Ruby. She had yet to move. “We’re coming.” Sam whispered, a promise that Dean hoped he could keep.

 

~*~

 

Lisa and Missouri eventually rounded up more chairs for everyone and they all sat, occasionally talking but usually just sitting. After a while, Dean stood and changed Grace’s diaper and handed her off to her dad. Dean sat next to Cas on the couch and leaned into him. Cas stroked his wrist, a nervous gesture that Dean wasn’t even sure that Cas was aware of. Sam held Grace against his chest, and she eventually fell back asleep. Her mouth puckered up in a small bow that Dean had memorized by now. He was nodding off against Cas when he felt him tense up the same time that Sam stood.

“Ruby?” Sam whispered.

Dean blinked his eyes open and stood as well. Sam and Dean stood on one side while Cas and Gabe took the other side. The Novaks watched the machines steadily for a full minutes, reading the medical minutiae silently. Ruby kicked her feet and Cas put a gentle hand to her arm to keep her from tearing out the tubes there. Sam cradled Grace in his arms and Dean held his hands out in a wordless gesture. With a look of gratitude, Sam handed her over.

“Hey, Ruby. Baby. It’s me.” Sam said softly. “Baby, can you hear me? Can you- can you come back to us?” He begged. Dean watched as Ruby’s face scrunched up in utter distaste and he knew what she felt like. Her body hurt from disuse. She was going to be thirsty. There was not enough painkillers in all the continental United States to take away the pounding in her head that would only cease on its own.

But she opened her eyes.

Sam choked back a sob. “Ruby?” He half asked, half begged.

She nodded. “Sam?”

“Yeah, baby, I’m here.” He said.

“Sam, could you-” Gabe said, trying to get around Sam. He moved the barest inch so that Gabe could move in and get a closer look at the machines surrounding Ruby. Dean shuffled over to stand by Castiel and caught Ruby’s eye. He smiled at her and she closed her eyes and smiled back.

“Ruby, I need you to open your eyes.” Cas said gently. She did and blinked up at him.

“Water?” She asked.

“No.” Sam said immediately.

Cas smiled. They all remembered when Sam had been too eager to listen to Dean’s demand for water. “Just a sip, ok?” He said. Gabe leaned over and braced her up on his forearm and she took a small drink from the cup that Cas held out to her and then leaned back. Gabe laid her back down.

“Sam?” She asked, reaching a hand out. He was there in a second.

“Hey, there.” He said, kissing her fingers. “Long time no see.”

“What the hell happened?” She asked. She was groggy, loopy from being asleep for so long.

“It’s a long story for another time.” Cas said, smoothing her hair back from her forehead. “But for right now, just know that you will be ok.”

“The baby?” Ruby asked. Cas stepped back and Dean shuffled forward. Grace was wearing a pink and green onesie with a skirt. Her small hands were wrapped up in gloves to prevent her from scratching herself.

“You feel like sitting up a little?” Gabe asked. Ruby nodded, her eyes glued to the small bundle in Dean’s arms. Gabe manipulated the bed and after a moment of shifting pillows and blankets, Ruby had Grace in her arms. Sam stood the side, his hand on the back of Ruby’s neck, rubbing gently.

“Hey there.” Ruby said, echoing Sam’s own words. “Hey there, you sweet little jellybean.”

At her mother’s voice, Grace yawned and opened her eyes. She blinked slowly and stared up at her mother. Ruby raised a hand to her mouth and no one was surprised when she started crying.

“She’s beautiful.” She said up to Sam.

“I know.” Sam nodded.

“You took care of her all by yourself?” Ruby asked.

Sam chuckled. “Actually, no. Dean took care of her all by himself. I was here with you.”

Ruby’s brow furrowed but she didn’t say anything. She tugged one of the little gloves off of Grace’s hand and traced her small wrist with one finger.  

“She’s ok?” She asked Dean.

“Ah, well. She doesn’t like to be cold. She has made that _abundantly_ clear. She likes to hear people. She likes to be sung to.” Dean shrugged and leaned against Cas. “Stuff you’ll learn.”

Ruby blinked at the two of them. “What day is it?” She asked.

“Wednesday.” Sam provided.

“I thought it was Sunday.” She whispered.  

“No, baby, you’ve been out for awhile.”

“She’s ok?” She asked once again.

Sam’s brow furrowed but Cas and Gabe just smiled. “Yes, Ruby. Dean made sure she was. He had Balthazar over and calling specialists across the country- yes, she’s perfect.”

Ruby wiped at her face and Dean placed a box of tissues next to her. She smiled at him.

“I want to go home.” She declared softly.

 

~*~

 

Three days later, Ruby was declared fit to go home. Jo and Ellen had stocked the kitchen up with all the supplies the small family could need while ordering Bobby, Dean, Cas, Balthazar, Gabriel and Samandriel around to fixing the house up. They wanted the place spotless for Ruby for her arrival home. Sam took care of Grace while everyone shopped, cleaned and cooked. Every night, Dean would fall into his bed, exhausted, with Cas pressed against his side. Every morning, they would wake early and take a long shower together. Then Dean would head off to the garage with a stupid smile and Cas would head off to the hospital, an equally stupid smile on his face.

The day that Ruby was scheduled to come home, Cas and Dean took off from work. Jo and Ellen were there, along with Bobby. Everyone gathered on the porch and when Sam drove up with Ruby and Grace, Dean ran down the walk to meet them and take Grace so Sam could help Ruby. She swatted ineffectively at him but they managed to make it up the walk and into the house.

“My god, it’s never been so clean.” Ruby muttered, looking around. Jo and Ellen stepped forward and gave her a hug.

Bobby came forward and enveloped her in a hug and she buried her face in his neck. “Girl, don’t be pulling anymore shit like this again. I’m an old man and I only got two girls.” He stepped back and nodded to Sam and Dean. “Let them take care of all the work. We don’t want you back in that godforsaken place, you hear?”

“Sure, Bobby.” Ruby said.

They didn’t want to stay too long, afraid of wearing her out. Jo gave her a quick list of all the food she and Balthazar had prepared that only required Dean or Sam to heat up. Thanks to Castiel and his brothers, Grace was stocked with enough diapers to carry her throughout the remaining year.

Sam helped Ruby upstairs and Dean and Cas trailed after, stopping in Grace’s room where Ruby sat in the rocking chair. Sam scooped Grace out of Dean’s arms and handed her off to Ruby. He sat in the other chair in the room and leaned over to watch his daughter sleep in Ruby’s arms. Dean and Cas stepped back into the hallway.

“Welcome home.” Dean murmured into Castiel’s lips and led him back to Dean’s bedroom.

  
  
  


**Epilogue**

_Day 1_

Dean was finally able to sleep through the night, untroubled.

 

_Day 2_

Castiel swore that he would never get tired of waking up to Dean. Even if he did snore loud enough to wake the dead.

 

_Day 15_

“I’m just not interested in planning a huge elaborate wedding.” Ruby said, frowning at the magazines spread in front of her and Jo and Dean. “I want something nice. Simple. Sweet. _Easy_.” She flipped through one of the magazines and groaned. “I do not want to think about place settings or telling people where to sit. Grown ass adults should be able to sit wherever the hell they want anyway.”

“All right, fine. Let’s forget about theme and all that crap.” Jo said. She frowned at the magazines too. Her and Ash had already decided they would be taking a trip to Vegas and whoever could make it, would. “Where do you want to have it at?”

Ruby shifted uncomfortably and looked down at her daughter. “I’ve always wanted to be married in a field of sunflowers.” She finally admitted.

Dean and Jo grinned.

 

_Day 27_

“Do you want to have some? I mean one day?” Cas asked, kicking his feet up on the rail on the porch.

Dean frowned down at Grace. “I haven’t thought about it much, honestly.”

“Really?”

“Cas, I have you. Sam, Ruby, Grace. Then Bobby, Jo, Ellen… and I’ve got a lot of people to add to that list. Your brothers for example. Everyone at the garage. Lisa. Missouri.” Dean shrugged. “I don’t want to get greedy and jinx it all.”

“You are a strange man with strange suspicions, Dean Winchester.”

 

_Day 34_

“Do _you_ want some?” Dean asked while they were doing the dishes.

“Yes.” Cas answered immediately.

“How many?”

“One would do. I would like four or five though.” Cas said softly. He couldn’t forget his own childhood, filled with his siblings.

“Well, let it be known that Castiel Novak goes big or goes home.” Dean said.

“Does that bother you?”

“That you want a big family?” Dean snorted. “No, not at all. I had Sammy. Then Jo later on. Now I work with Ash and Garth, man, it’s like I am always surrounded by family.”

Cas smiled down at his soapy hands.

 

_Day 73_

The days grew colder and shorter and Cas was still offering free services at the soup kitchen. That night, he was locking up when a woman approached him. “Excuse me, Dr. Novak?”

Cas turned and smile down at her. Dark hair, bright brown eyes, she appeared to be nice enough. Dean waited patiently in the Impala for him a short distance away.

“Yes?” Cas asked.

“I’m sorry, you just saw my sister and now I think we need a jump. Would you be able to-?”

“Oh! Oh sure. Just let me tell my ride. Where are you parked?” Cas asked. The younger woman parked to a small beat up car underneath a street lamp. Cas nodded and said that they would be right there. He spied the patient. She was a young girl who was unable to afford rehab but desperately wanted to kick her habit. Balthazar, Samandriel and Cas saw her almost every night they could to keep a close eye on her. Cas jogged over to Dean and ducked in.

“The young woman over there is asking for a jump.” Cas told him. Dean nodded and drove over to the much smaller car. He parked as close as he could to her and jumped out. He had jumper cables in the trunk and asked the girl to pop the hood of her car. He insisted that they stay in their car where it was a little warmer than outside. He popped the hood on the Impala and turned to open hers.

Cas stood next to him. Dean liked to tease him that he had a mechanic kink and liked to watch him work. Cas had yet to deny such claims. But he also like to watch Dean think. The way his brow furrowed and how he would chew on his lip when he was deep in thought.

“Cas, I can’t do this.” Dean muttered.

“What? Why not?” Cas demanded, immediately feeling his hackles rise. He was protective of his patients and their circumstances.

“This motor is fucked.” Dean said. “I can’t send them away when it looks like this.”

Cas let out a breath.

“We can jump it now, but they need to come into the garage like, tomorrow.”

 

_Day 134_

Dean had a mile long list of pro bono work he had to get done. Cas was right; sometimes doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing was the only thing.

 

_Day 157_

Jo and Ash’s wedding was hilarious. Married by an Elvis impersonator, everyone squeezed into a tiny chapel, Bobby walking Jo down the very short aisle…

It was perfect for them.

And it did not escape anyone that both the bride and groom were quietly crying.

 

_Day 163_

Cas and Dean fought for the first time.

Cas spent the night in his own bed for the first time in months.

Neither one slept very well.

 

_Day 164_

Dean showed up at Castiel’s house with his head hung low. Balthazar opened the door and smirked. He let him up to Castiel’s room where Dean made up for his angry words the day before.

Earnestly.

 

_Day 193_

It was a Saturday and Dean and Grace were up early. Dean had his feet kicked up on the railing on the porch and coffee on the small stand next to him. Both Cas and Sam had gotten in late the night before and Dean liked to have alone time with his niece. Ruby was still asleep but she would wake soon, as Dean noted the time on his cell phone.

Grace sat on his legs, a magic marker in her chubby fist, drawing on Dean’s shirt. Her bottle was next to his cup of coffee and he watched the traffic slow way down under the new traffic cam. Grace watched as he raised the coffee cup to his lips and made the sign for _more_. Teaching her sign language had been Samandriel’s idea and not a terribly popular one at first. Sam and Ruby felt she would become too dependent on signing and worried about her developing speech. Their worries were soon quelled when Grace began signing for things she wanted, like she was hungry or she wanted her mom or she was wet… Her vocabulary astounded quite a few people. It had also received a few strange looks in the store aisles when Cas had gotten into a quiet argument over a new toy for his adopted niece. As Cas would sign he would speak the words so that Gracie could pair the two together and she would simply sign back to him.

See Cas with Grace made Dean fall in love with him all over again. But watching Cas argue with a not quite one year old? Dean cracked up every time.

Ruby shuffled out onto the porch next to the two of them, wrapped up in a blanket and a cup of coffee in her hands. She handed her cup to Dean, scooped up Grace, ravaged her with kisses and set her back down on Dean’s lap.

“Good morning, Dean.” Ruby said, voice still a little throaty from sleep.

“Hi Ruby.”

“What’s on your mind?” She asked, following his gaze across the street to the empty field where Dean had crashed his beat up old truck so long ago.

“Did you know Sam and I own that land over there too?”

Ruby sipped her coffee. “I did not. Sam, that bastard, never tells me anything.”

Dean smiled. “I think I want to build Cas a house over there.”

 

_Day 217_

Dean presented his blueprints to Cas. It included three bathrooms, a master suite, a three car garage and three additional bedrooms, a loft and a bonus room that could be easily converted to another living room or bedroom.

“That’s a lot of room for just the two of us, wouldn’t you say?” Cas asked, tracing the blueprints with his fingers.

“I-” Dean looked confused and looked over his shoulder at Ruby and Sam who were in the Novaks kitchen with Balthazar, Samandriel, and Kali. Gabe had made a run to the store with Jo and Garth. “I always thought that you wanted it to be more than just us.”

Cas turned his steady gaze and Dean didn’t ignore the glimmer of hope he saw there. “You mean to have Grace over? And Bobby and Ellen and Jo and my brothers?”

“No, you idiot. I thought you wanted to have some of our own. I can changed the design if you don’t want to- I mean, if you don’t want to look into, I don’t know, maybe adopting? I can change the plans. I can make it smaller-”

Ruby and Kali caught sight of Dean stumbling past the kitchen opening with Cas attached to him, kissing him hungrily.

Ruby rolled her eyes and Kali laughed.

“Morons.” Balthazar said lovingly.

 

_Day 227_

Dean wondered how his life had come to this. He wondered what he had possibly done in a past life to end up spending an entire Saturday in a bridal store. He had a mimosa in hand and Kali at his side. Jo was in the back, lacing Ruby in what had to be the seventh gown in the last hour.

This was not what Saturdays were made for. This was especially not what Saturdays were made for when the garage was closed and Cas was not on call. Saturdays like this were made for Dean to trace Castiel’s neck with his tongue and that little divot next to his hip; Saturdays like this were made for Castiel to leave Dean a sweaty panting mess; Saturdays like this are made for reading the newspaper over breakfast; Saturdays like this are made for Dean to drive and sometimes end up in another state with Cas in the passenger seat.

“Chin up, dear. I’m sure your torture will end soon.” Kali said and patted his thigh.

She was right. It ended ten minutes later when Ruby entered the room and stood up on the raised platform in front of the huge mirror in a simple lace gown. Jo wiped away tears and Kali had a hand over her mouth.

“Dean?” Ruby asked, tears shining in her own eyes.

“I-” Dean cleared his throat and gestured to the gown. “Well, I just-” He stood up and wiped at his mouth. “Ruby, you could show up in a burlap sack and Sammy would think you are beautiful.”

Ruby rolled her eyes.

“But this- You are going to bring him to his knees.” Dean whispered.

 

_Day 232_

The sunflowers Jo and Dean had planted behind Sam and Ruby’s house began blooming in earnest.

Ruby asked Bobby to walk her down the aisle. The old man cried like a baby.

Sam asked Dean to be his best man. For some reason it ended in a wrestling match.

 

_Day 265_

Like Ruby had requested, it was a sweet and simple affair. The sunflowers that Dean and Jo had planted bloomed all around the arch that Gabe had made for the couple. Dean walked both Jo and Grace down the aisle, feeling like he was the most loved man on earth. Castiel watched from the audience, chairs draped in a pale yellow. Missouri, Ellen and Lisa held hands and wiped away tears from their face. Garth and Ash gave Dean a thumbs up. Dean handed Jo off but kept Grace in his arms and took his spot behind Sam. As the string quartet started up, everyone turned to see Bobby and Ruby enter from the back, David, Kevin and Mandy throwing open the barn doors that had recently been converted to a staging/seating/dance area for the event.

Dean was right. Ruby brought Sam to his knees.

Everyone but Grace cried during the vows. She fell asleep.

Balthazar’s cake dominated the barn area, four tiers of sunflowers and delicious cake. The feast he and Ellen prepared had everyone talking. Samandriel took pictures of the couple on the floor dancing, barn doors open to the night sky, rafters draped with lights. He got a picture of Sam and Grace spinning slowly on the floor as well. He took a picture of Dean and Cas, slowly swaying back and forth on the dance floor. He got a picture of Gabe looking up adoringly at Kali. These would adorn the walls of Sam and Ruby’s house as a wedding present from Samandriel.

 

_Day 294_

Cas and Dean moved into their house across the street from Ruby and Sam.

Sam cried.

 

_Day 295_

Dean was out on the porch when Sam left to work. He raised his coffee cup in a goodbye to his brother. This became a tradition for them.

 

_Day 334_

It was another blessedly free Saturday. Cas was asleep on his side and all Dean could see from the top of their white down comforter was his messy hair. Light filtered in from the large windows that Castiel had requested be put in their room.

Dean rolled away from Cas and opened the small drawer in his bedside table. He pulled out a small wooden box and turned back to Cas, curling himself around him. Cas mumbled something and pulled Dean closer to him. Dean slid his arm across Castiel’s ribs and in between Castiel’s arms.

“Cas?” He whispered.

“Dean?” Cas whispered back.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“I want bacon. No eggs. Yes to coffee.”

“Not that, you idiot.” Dean nudged the box into Castiel’s hand. He felt him pull it away and open it. It wasn’t much, just a simple ring made of titanium, polished to a high gloss. Cas didn’t say anything.

“Well?” Dean asked, his chin hooked over Castiel’s shoulder.

“Well what?” Cas said, pulling the ring from it’s snug black velvet holder and gently placing the box on his own bedside table. Dean knew he would keep it. “You haven’t asked me anything yet, you moron.”

“Will you marry me?” Dean whispered into his ear.

 

_Day 373_

Dean stood underneath a gazebo him and Sam had built the week before. Large standing heaters surrounded their guests, a smaller affair than Sam and Ruby’s wedding. It was early spring and the air still had a chill to it. Sam stood behind Dean, his best man. Gabe stood behind Cas, his in turn.

After several false starts and a couple of watery throat clearings later, Dean started.  

“It’s not that I don’t have the words. I do. You gave me back all my words.” Dean cleared his throat and looked Cas in the eye. “It’s just, even with all the words you gave me, all the things I knew before and all the things I know now, none of it can express how much you mean to me. You are my words, my world, my life, my hope. You are my light at the end of the tunnel.”

Cas cleared his throat and he saw from the corner of his eye, Missouri lean into Ellen and Ellen lean back as she reached for Bobby’s hand. Ash put his arm around Jo and he wiped away tears.

“I thought that spring was the best time for this. For telling the entire world that you, Dean Winchester, belong to me. With me. It’s the start of everything new. Because that’s what you gave me. Something new from all the bad things that have happened. Something new to hold on to, to come home to. You are my place to fall apart because I know,” Cas reached out and gripped Dean’s hand and raised his knuckles to his lips. “I know that you will put me back together. You ground me. You keep me. You are what fills the empty parts of me.”

 

_Day 512_

Jo gave birth to twins. Not hers and Ash’s, no. She was the surrogate for Dean and Cas.

They named their girl, Anna. They named their boy Michael.  

     

                

 

    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick reminder: Not a doctor! Not even remotely.  
> So this is the last chapter. I'm all done! Any and all comments are welcome and thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
